Highly Melanated Podcast
Hosted by PJ, Blair & Red A safe space for you to enjoy every bit of your melanin no matter how "melanated" you are in skin tone, we are ALL Highly Melanated.Come enjoy funny and dynamic conversations that people of color face on a day to day basis with various topics such as loving ourselves, knowing who we are as a people and uplifting each other with a mix of class and rachetness (CLATCHETNESS)
Highly Melanated Podcast
Apology Languages: Understanding How We Receive "I'm Sorry"
We discover how differently we receive and process apologies through a quiz that reveals our "apology languages" - similar to love languages but focused on how we prefer people to express remorse.
• Exploring the five apology languages: accepting responsibility, making restitution, expressing regret, genuinely repenting, and requesting forgiveness
• Realizing that most of us need more than just "I'm sorry" - accountability and action matter most
• Discovering that PJ and Chris value direct admission of fault as their primary apology language
• Learning that Blair needs concrete actions to make things right after someone apologizes
• Finding connections between how we receive love and how we receive apologies
• Noticing how certain apology phrases can feel passive-aggressive or put unfair burdens on the hurt person
• Discussing how repeated apologies without change become meaningless
• Celebrating Jane Kennedy, one of the first Black women sportscasters, for Women's History Month
Take some time to discover your own apology language by taking the quiz on the Five Love Languages website - understanding how you and your loved ones prefer to receive apologies can transform your relationships.
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Ladies and gentlemen, we are on hold. Blair is talking to her agent.
Speaker 1:Meanwhile listen to Blair elevator music.
Speaker 2:I don't know why.
Speaker 1:That was it. What's like is that a song? It's kind of catchy. Well, that was the face change.
Speaker 2:Oh she's got a lot to say la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la la la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la, la, la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la la la, la, la, la, la, la, la la la, la, la, la, la, la la la, it's got like nine cameras one is a telescope that's why it takes such great pictures, bro.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I'm telling you.
Speaker 2:One is a telescope, jesus how many damn lenses does this phone need?
Speaker 1:if you, if you buy this phone right now, you can get a piece of the hubble telescope as well you too can see the rings of Saturn.
Speaker 2:I'm going to keep all of this in because she has this turned down. So she has no idea what we're talking about. I'm going to put this before the episode.
Speaker 1:Want to see stuff under a microscope? Get your Android today.
Speaker 2:Shout out to all the Android users out there.
Speaker 1:Right, this is not hate, because some of y'all will be ready to start war this is not hate.
Speaker 2:This is not hate. We are admiring the fact that you guys can take a picture of the moon right bastard, you know you can get you.
Speaker 1:You can get a picture of the moon on the, on the, on the, on the iphone, as well too, but you have to adjust your settings you have to do a lot of adjusting. Oh my gosh, you have to adjust your settings and do all this extra shit. You have to do a lot of adjusting.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh. Ladies and gentlemen, presently, right now, Blair is on the phone and her face is doing so many things, so many. But what we are looking at is the 12 screens, the 12 lenses that she has on her phone, it's it. You know that? Um, I don't know what it is, but it looks like. It looks like the circles that get bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger on, like like for the. What is it? Like the alley wrench, or like different, like screwdriver pieces or some shit Like drill bits.
Speaker 1:It looks great. Stares at you in a blank stare. He tried to sell that. I was just like I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Oh, it's the scratch on the frontal lobe on the 12th lens of Christmas.
Speaker 2:my android gave to me this will be the beginning of the podcast you guys make up a song we said a whole bunch. You'll hear it at the beginning of the show. I don't know what it is, but I just love being black BJ here.
Speaker 3:What up doe? It's your girl, Blair. You know, Mel Melanin was popping yesterday, it's popping today and it's sure enough going to be popping tomorrow.
Speaker 1:It's your boy, red, and you're listening to the Highly Melanated Podcast hey guys, hey guys, hey guys.
Speaker 2:Welcome back to another episode of highly melanated podcast, the safe space, where it's okay to let monday know you aren't its bitch I cannot, pj I cannot.
Speaker 2:PJ. So here's the thing PJ wants. All you people who post nice little shorts or videos or movie clips on social media that don't put the titles in the actual thing and we have to go searching through the comments. Pj is sick of y''t put the titles in the actual thing and we have to go searching through the comments. Pj is sick of y'all. Put the name of the movie, short or whatever in the description, so we don't all have to go to the comments looking for what the name of this is. That's what I'm sick of today.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay, red, and that goes for people too. Good looking people.
Speaker 3:We want to know who they are who they is, wear a name tag or something tag them hoes um, and Blair, for whatever reason. All I have in my head right now is everything needs to be labeled as scam, likely because it is not scam, likely Wait a minute.
Speaker 2:Wait a minute. First of all, there is no reason why I am. I have a 973 number still from Jersey, but I am getting all of the scam likely numbers back to back to back to back to back.
Speaker 3:I'm saying it's obsessive.
Speaker 1:Are you getting people that are actually saying something or is it just like dead air? I'm getting a lot of dead air calls.
Speaker 3:I'm getting both. It's really annoying.
Speaker 1:I'm getting. I feel like, every time I pick up, like they're just scanning my soul or something.
Speaker 2:At first it was it's always spam risk, spam risk. And then, as of today, it started to be uh Jan packaging uh, gregory Gilmore, uh, deidre Metzgen.
Speaker 2:Like, who are these people? Like, deidre Metzgen, I'm just tired. Like you know, when you watch it, you're waiting on a phone call and you're like, okay, the phone's ringing, alright, let me go to it. Oops, scam, likely. It's like that clip that goes the guy was like we just need you to verify your social security number and he was like, oh, I'm not doing it, you think I'm stupid? He said, okay, uh huh, and then he gives the guy's address and he goes uh-huh, you thought I was scammed?
Speaker 1:likely, no, I'm scammed, for sure, okay wow, I remember that as soon as I get your social security.
Speaker 3:It's over I'm secure.
Speaker 2:No scam, for sure oh, absolutely.
Speaker 1:This is definitely a scam and you gonna get got you gonna get got yo for real y'all?
Speaker 2:I would love to know how are you guys doing?
Speaker 3:I don't even really know how to answer that. Somebody else asked me that today and they claimed that I gave them a surface level answer and I said well, it's cause I'm juggling a lot of shit right now and I, if I get into it, it's going to be a thing. So I'm not trying to get into it. So that's where I am currently.
Speaker 1:Well, I think I'm in like a similar place. I think it's gotten like really busy lately. It's been for me at work. It's been very busy at work, but also I feel like I always feel like for the most part I'm very current and I'm present, but for the past week I feel like I've been behind the ball. So I'll give you a perfect example On Sunday I was up up, I was on the phone and I was talking and it was. You know, I was having a good time, because it's Sunday right, it's not necessarily the next day before work and I was up until like about one o'clock and it was about to be two o'clock and I didn't realize it, but then it jumped to three surprise, surprise, surprise surprise, what in the hell you know?
Speaker 1:and I went to bed, just you know, not thinking anything of it. But then the next day I woke up my microwaves were all wrong, the clocks were, wrong.
Speaker 2:And it was damn, damn fucking daylight, thanksgiving, whatever you want to call it imagine going this, imagine going to sleep at like 1 30 and then getting you close your eyes for a little bit, and then you get up because you got to go use the bathroom and you're like wait, I slept for two hours already. What the fuck?
Speaker 1:wait a minute I was so, typically, I'm aware of that it's coming, but right, I just was so taken back. So, yeah, I'm behind the ball with everything and then.
Speaker 3:And then monday jumped me you are a monday jump you gotta, you gotta prove that you are not monday's bitch I'm not monday's bitch, but I just think it's real funny.
Speaker 1:I said I ain't scared of you Monday, and then next year no, I didn't leave work Monday, said hold my drink. I didn't leave work until like 9.30, and then I had other stuff that was going on.
Speaker 3:So yeah, I'm buying the whole thing. What would even prompt you to take on Monday like that? What even motivated you to even call Monday out its name like that?
Speaker 2:Disrespectful, by the way, because Monday gonna show.
Speaker 1:I'ma still do it. I'ma still do it because a lot of good things came out of it. But yeah, now I'm very exhausted. I'm here dealing with Tuesday with remnants of Monday yikes, well, I'll say this the week has been good, as you guys can see.
Speaker 2:I shifted things around because I finally did the unthinkable I threw out one of my three dressers, so I got rid of a bunch of clothes, but I think the part of it that brought me the most joy was, you know, besides the fact that I have to carry, uh the longer, not the tall dresser, but the six drawer wide dresser with the mirror um, I had to carry that four flights of stairs, but I really didn't, because the joy came from me busting it down like kicking it, breaking it, like knocking it out and like letting all my frustrations out on this piece of furniture. Like you really don't realize how good you feel sometimes when you just break some shit. I remember I felt like that when I did that with my kitchen table. Oh my God, it was so relieving and I just kept going.
Speaker 2:But when I did it with my kitchen table, I was wearing flip-flops Not flip-flops, I was wearing slides and I hurt my foot. So I realized this time not to do that. So I was wearing my sneakers and it felt so good. But I did get rid of at least 30% of my clothes and the flip-flops. I'm just.
Speaker 1:I'm just still, it's the fact about how dangerous I just keep, I just keep picturing you falling down the steps like um, but yeah.
Speaker 2:So I'm like really excited the fact that I actually did what I said I was going to do for a long time and I think it needed to get done and I'm moving more into the all right now. There needs to be a shift that happens so I can say Monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday and Sunday and Saturday I'm not your bitch either, because I've been tired these past I mean also like is this a thing? Like, as you get older, the itis really really kicks in. I was telling my uncle this and he was like you know that ain't good man. I was like what?
Speaker 3:ain't good there's a lot of things that ain't good for us apparently to be exhausted.
Speaker 1:We're freaking, we're adults. I think it's part of it in our contract somewhere. I still haven't seen that god damn contract but it's in there somewhere. I want a refund.
Speaker 2:I don't recall signing it either.
Speaker 1:I don't recall signing it either.
Speaker 2:I don't, and it was like a silent sign when you turned, when your puberty hit. It just began.
Speaker 1:Right, Well, that actually brings me to my question of the week. So, question of the week, question of the week. Question of the week, your questions as they pertain to you prospectively and introspectively. You actually started going into PJ. You started going into, I guess, essentially spring cleaning. I think everybody does that. But that made me think about when you was talking about destroying furniture. Have we ever been to a break room before?
Speaker 2:Oh my God, yes I want to go.
Speaker 1:Can we all go? I want to go to one.
Speaker 2:Yes, oh you haven't gone either With a nice sledgehammer and you just go at it, throw plates against the wall and shit.
Speaker 1:I think that would be very beneficial to us. The only thing is, I think that we, because we have so much pent-up anger, I think we become addicted.
Speaker 2:It's like same time next week guys.
Speaker 3:Well, the thing is I also feel like that exerts it makes you use a lot of energy. So I think, get it out of you one good time and then afterwards we're already tired, so it'll just add to the exhaustion yeah, I mean, it feels so good.
Speaker 2:I mean, what we can do, uh, let's, let's, let's. If we're gonna plan this, let's plan a night like a day where it's everything. So let's do an escape room for blair, because you asking for a lot in one day already.
Speaker 3:Already, I was about to say I was like what's happening right now? Multiple activities in one day. Yes, yes, yes, we are old.
Speaker 2:We're going to do an escape room.
Speaker 3:You know, my bedtime is 930.
Speaker 2:We're going to do an escape room, because you love escape rooms. We're going to do Pilates and all this other activity stuff for Chris Well, for me, because I'm fat and then for Chris, we'll go to the break room.
Speaker 1:We're going to have to do that over the course of a few days.
Speaker 3:That is not a one-day activity, but I'm down, but it's going to have to be multiple days. Yeah, okay, oh, I'm excited. Now down, but it's going to have to be multiple days.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay, oh, I'm excited. Now we should like create. It could be by other people too. I'm sure they have like break room parties.
Speaker 3:It's funny that it's called like a break room, because it makes me just think of like an office break room. First thing you break is the water cooler speaking break is my patience, because I'm sick of y'all. I'm sorry that's something I should apologize for you know.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much there because you are a gem. So I had this idea, and it's the funniest thing also is I have after. I had this idea about apologizing. I remember us having a conversation about apologies. We kind of left it open-ended, and so I think that this conversation that we're going to have is perfect for it. So, if a lot of you recall or don't recall, or those of you who are brand new here hey, niggas, welcome. We had a conversation in September of 2023 about a situation that I was having with someone where they were telling me that they miss waking up with me and I said, no, you didn't, and you both made me feel so bad that I apologized later. But that apology really never meant anything, because we don't speak now to this day, and so I was scrolling and I saw this thing about apologies and I saw it about, like, because we all talk about love languages but did you know that there's an actual apology language?
Speaker 3:you guys, we're about to find out what ours are us I didn't know. I like I know there are different ways to apologize, but I didn't think about it in the same sense as, like, love languages, Love languages yeah, you know, there's like specific like categories of like apologies that are impactful and you know that speak to you and that speak to others. So I'm interested to see what my apology language is.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I normally.
Speaker 1:Just I normally didn't just talk about you know, when I apologize I'm just thinking in the lens of just like I'm sorry, just moving past it. So it is going to be interesting to see what they are, or even how many there are, because isn't like love languages?
Speaker 2:There's five love languages, yeah, and so this. So for everybody who listening, this is actually on the five lung love language five lung, five love languages website. So it's another quiz and we are going to take 25 questions. Oh, my God.
Speaker 1:Not y'all making me do an exam after work.
Speaker 3:No, you have to do it in real time because we have to see what everybody's answer is at the end. So maybe, like, the best way to do this is like we each take turns asking a question and then saying what our answers are, so we can just kind of go through them in sequence. But I'm, I'm, I think this would be interesting because, like I I'm a very big proponent of the fact that there is like a proper structure for an apology. So I don't know, like what all the options are like with the love languages. I know there's like physical touch words, affirmation, gifts, etc. Like I don't know, like, what all the options are like with the love languages I know there's like physical touch words, affirmation, gifts, et cetera. Like I don't know, like, what the categories are for an apology language. I'm assuming they'll show us at the end, but this should be interesting.
Speaker 1:So, according to the website, I'm going to say the same thing. Plot twist.
Speaker 3:My apology. Language is physical touch.
Speaker 2:Actually no, it's not.
Speaker 3:Because if there's something that you're apologizing to me for, I don't want you to touch me.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:But, some people do that's the.
Speaker 3:Thing.
Speaker 1:Some people would love that. Let's just have fucked down and get it over with.
Speaker 3:I mean, if it's anything other than words of affirmation, I don't see the point I don't know.
Speaker 1:Are we clicking start?
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:All right, all right. So before we actually press start, so for all you listeners out there, we suggest that you guys take this, take this exam along with us. So while you're listening to this, you know, go ahead, answer the questions honestly, the way we're about to answer them, hopefully, honestly. Okay, we're actually doing this in real time. None of us have actually seen any of this before we wait, before we begin, I don't even know what to expect, um, and but what do you think you're? I?
Speaker 3:don't know what the categories are.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't know what the categories are.
Speaker 2:I can't really say Okay, yeah, should we look at the categories? Is there a way to look at them?
Speaker 3:No, I don't think that we should.
Speaker 1:I don't think so either.
Speaker 3:I think we should.
Speaker 1:just I don't think that we should, because then that'll change your.
Speaker 3:Your answers That'll change how you answer the questions, all right.
Speaker 2:All right, so we're clicking start.
Speaker 1:Okay, I'll read the first one Me me, pick me, teacher. Okay. Okay, it's more meaningful to me when I hear someone say I deeply regret having embarrassed you like I did, or our friendship is really important to me. Will you please forgive me.
Speaker 3:I'm going to say our friendship is really important to me. Will you please forgive me. I feel like that holds more weight for me yeah, I, I feel the same because I also I guess, just like for me like you, telling me that you embarrassed me is embarrassing. I don't want to hear that yeah, I.
Speaker 1:I mean the word embarrassed, I think, is like what's the heavy hitter in that that holds a lot of weight.
Speaker 3:Like I don't like that. I'm like I'm not embarrassed. I'm sorry I embarrassed you. Like I don't. I don't want to hear that.
Speaker 2:I don't, I really don't so what I want to hear?
Speaker 3:instead is this is what's important to me. You're what's important to me. How You're what's important to me. How can we figure this out? How can?
Speaker 2:we work this out. Yeah, I wish it didn't say embarrassed, but I chose the other one. Please don't let this be the thing where I choose the opposite of what you both choose. I chose the other one because I need you. I want to know that you feel bad for what it is that you did Like. The regret stands out more to me than the embarrassment.
Speaker 1:But it's saying but it's saying I deeply regret having embarrassed you like I did. It's talking about the other person saying that to you.
Speaker 2:But, like I did, they're taking ownership for what it is that I did. It's talking about the other person saying that to you, but, like I did, they're taking ownership for what it is that they did.
Speaker 3:That's part of it, so that means more to you than I value our friendship. How will you forgive me? What about you, Chris? No.
Speaker 1:I'm staying with my answer. You said Our friendship is really important to me. Okay, you said the same thing. I answer. You said that our friendship is really important.
Speaker 3:OK, so the same thing I did. You see how this is shaping up. I hate it always. Ok, I'll do the next Question. Two it's more meaningful to me when someone says, ok, I admit it, I made a big mistake, or I want to grow from this experience. Would you be willing to help me figure out steps to handle this type of situation better?
Speaker 1:I don't like this game.
Speaker 3:Um, I will say my answer is going to be okay, I admit it, I made a big mistake. I. I think both of them are important because I do think that you should learn from every mistake. Every you know situation like if. I do think that you should learn from every mistake, every you know situation Like, if there's something that you can get out of it, that you can grow from, I want you to do that. But if this conflict is dealing with, just like you and me and what you're saying to me in this moment, like the growth thing I want you to do on your own, I want you to do on your own, you know, like I don't necessarily really need to be a guiding factor for you in this, like I want you to have the autonomy to be able to do it. I guess, like the responsibility to me is for you to say, for you to admit, like, hey, I made a mistake, that I messed up and I'm admitting that. So I'm going to say, okay, I admit it, I made a big mistake.
Speaker 1:I will also say okay, I admit it, I made a big mistake. Only because the type of people that I see myself see surrounding me and me being around if you made a mistake, then you're correcting it, you're doing something, you're taking the steps to correct it. So it kind of encompasses the second one as well. I don't expect someone that I'm going to be either close with or intimate with to say I made a mistake and then repeat the same one, because that's how you get the chop. So that's how I'm rationalizing that.
Speaker 2:Okay, great, fantastic y'all. So I too will say that, first of all, pause. Should we, should we like, answer it and then say what we like did. So we're like, not like, influenced, influenced okay, sure okay, um, so I, I picked, I picked.
Speaker 2:I'll admit again, accountability is everything to me. The problem that I have with the other one is, like, would you be willing? Like asking me for some? Like I don't think that it should be my responsibility whatsoever, I think that you should be the one to come up with. So here's our next step forward. Like, how do you feel about this? Instead of would you be willing? Now, what if I said no?
Speaker 3:Like I want that to be a conversation that we have.
Speaker 2:What if I said no nigga Much later down the line, like I?
Speaker 3:want us to be kiki and ha ha about whatever, whatever, and then reminiscing on like, whatever this argument was or something that we had, and then for that person to be like you know what. I remember what that situation was like and that was really impactful for me, so I made sure I took the opportunity to grow from that. I'm glad you did the work Great.
Speaker 1:That part. Yeah, you have to do the work, yeah, you have to do the work, all right. Fantastic.
Speaker 2:The next one goes, question three. It is more meaningful to me when someone tells me what can I do or say to make things right between you and me, or I had a bad attitude and it shows I should have thought about it. I should have thought more about what I was doing this one's a standout one for me.
Speaker 3:I know immediately which one I would pick, and that's the thing. Remember, like with, like the I remember with, like with the love languages thing. Like the idea is to just go like with your immediate gut. You know, not spend too long trying to like, pick it apart, but just go with the love languages thing. The idea is to just go with your immediate gut, not spend too long trying to pick it apart, but just go with the one that you gravitate towards immediately.
Speaker 2:I also believe that they're going to start like the love languages did the same thing and I think the 16 personalities and all this stuff did the same thing where they're going to start asking the same question in different ways to just make sure that you're really honed in on the same kind of idea.
Speaker 1:They're so smart.
Speaker 3:So okay.
Speaker 2:You know, yours, Chris.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 1:You ready? Uh-huh, I have a bad attitude and it showed. I should have thought more about what I was doing. Is that what you picked?
Speaker 2:That's what I picked. That's what I picked as well.
Speaker 1:I picked the first one.
Speaker 3:You picked the first one.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 3:What made you pick that one?
Speaker 2:What made you pick that? Yeah, judgment free.
Speaker 1:No, no, no, yeah, I ain't worried about that shit anyway. No, no, no, yeah, I ain't worried about this shit anyway. I think I like once again. I think it has. There was an issue or there was some type of problem, and so instead of doing the whole rigmarole and going back and forth, I'm just cut like cutting to the chase. Just, you know, if you ask me what could be done differently, I'm just going to tell you. You know, and I think for me it's as simple as that. So here's where here's where here.
Speaker 2:As simple as that. So here's where my toxic trait lies.
Speaker 1:You should already know.
Speaker 2:What can I do or say? What do you think you should do? What do you think you need to do?
Speaker 1:And a lot of people are like that.
Speaker 3:I don't want an apology where I have to. If you're apologizing to me, then why am I doing the work? Why am I telling you what to do to fix the situation? Or why am I telling you what to say to fix the situation? Like I mean, like I understand, like there's like some degree of like you need to know how to approach me, you need to know what to say, you need to know how to respond and all of that. But I don't want that to be the basis of the apology.
Speaker 1:I think there's a threshold right, and I guess for me that threshold is on the lower end. I'm a firm believer that if you're having issues, it's because that person truly doesn't understand, and that's how y'all got there to begin with. So sometimes I'm just very much so just cut to the chase. What do you want me to do? I need you to do this. So now I told you there ain't no way around that.
Speaker 3:Well, that's the next thing. It's like how many times are we going to have to do this whole apology thing? Because if that's the case, then we have a whole different problem.
Speaker 1:Well, exactly, exactly. And then that makes you wonder whether or not you should be with that person, whether it be intimately or, you know, friendship wise.
Speaker 2:I already, I already feel myself getting triggered, hilarious the way that this, the way that this, this did not, was not supposed to be, because it was nothing but apologies in a certain situation, and I was, I was over it.
Speaker 3:Maybe that's also why, like I'm feeling the way that I'm feeling, but continue. Okay, chris, you're up.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay. Question four it's more meaningful to me when someone says I don't want to do this again, so I will come up with ways to avoid mistakes like this in the future, or I apologize for my actions. You obviously don't have to forgive me, but I hope you will.
Speaker 3:Can it be both?
Speaker 1:Worst game ever there are only two choices.
Speaker 2:I could have sworn with the love languages. There were three options.
Speaker 3:They've simplified it.
Speaker 2:I'm going to go with the first one.
Speaker 3:Me too.
Speaker 2:Yep, me too.
Speaker 3:All right.
Speaker 2:Okay so, and here's the reason why, let's see if this is, I feel like the second one is very passive, aggressive. It is Okay so, and here's the reason why, and let's see if this is, I feel like the second one is very passive aggressive, it is Okay.
Speaker 3:That's how I feel about it too. It's very passive.
Speaker 2:I feel like it's it's very much. Now I apologize for my actions. Now it's your fault.
Speaker 3:It's like you don't have to forgive me, but I hope you do.
Speaker 1:I don't know if I would say that they're thinking that it's now your fault or placing blame, but I do feel that it takes out the accountability.
Speaker 3:Exactly. It's very much like hey, I said the words, I did what I had to do.
Speaker 1:You can take it or leave it. I hope you take it, but if you don't, oh well, no, like there's the door.
Speaker 3:At least the first one I don't want to do this again, so I will come up with ways to avoid mistakes like this in the future shows that there's like some type of like forward thinking into like continuing to build a relationship, whereas the second one is just kind of like you could take it or leave it, kind of thing, and I don't like that you can take your ass out of here and leave immediately. And leave.
Speaker 2:Okay, Bye nigga.
Speaker 3:It's more meaningful to me when someone asks me can you possibly forgive me or what can I do?
Speaker 1:to mend our relationship. I have my answer yeah, so do I.
Speaker 3:So now, this is kind of contradictory to what I had been saying before and so it begins but this time I am going to go with.
Speaker 3:What can I do to mend our relationship? In this kind of space, I do want you to like check in with me about, like, what actions they can take to make things better. You know, can you possibly forgive me? Is like you know it's, it's a right here kind of thing. It's like a do you forgive me, yes or no, whereas what can I do? Shows like more involvement, like I want to do something that's going to be beneficial to this relationship. Please help me figure out what it is which is really important to me.
Speaker 2:In an apology like it's like I need you to like, not mouth surface, because can I possibly forgive you? The answer could be no today and yes tomorrow, you know. So I can't possibly forgive you because I'm so angry right now and tomorrow, after I've taken, you know, several bowel movements, maybe I might feel better. Sorry, y'all.
Speaker 1:Y'all know me. I know, but I agree. Right, I think you have to do some work. Can I possibly forgive you? Sure, but like, if you do it again, no, then I take my forgiveness back, and that's, that's real. That's all. Mary had a little lamb all right.
Speaker 2:Question six it's more meaningful to me when I hear someone say I totally, totally messed up. I could make excuses, but really I have no good excuse for my actions, or you have every right to hold this against me, but will you consider, will you please consider forgiving me, jesus Christ, they're doing it, they're doing it. I know what your mind is.
Speaker 3:Yeah, i're doing it, they're doing it I know which one mine is?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know mine too. Do you know PJ? Yeah, Okay, I'm picking the first one. I totally messed up.
Speaker 3:I could make excuses, but really I have no good excuses for my actions. I'm saying you have every right to hold this against me, but will you please consider forgiving me.
Speaker 2:I say the first one, I totally messed up, but I could make. I could make excuses.
Speaker 3:Now let me tell you why I didn't pick that one. I don't want to hear excuses Like I don't want you to try to justify or give a justifiable response for whatever it is that you're apologizing for.
Speaker 2:See now hearing that makes me want to change my answer. So I'm glad Too late Too late.
Speaker 3:I mean like I understand that there's like a range, but like I don't want to hear, like I couldn't think of a good reason to there is no good reason why I did what I did or why I said what I said now that I read it back.
Speaker 2:Now that I read it back, it's like well, I could tell you an excuse, but but I couldn't come up with one.
Speaker 1:I didn't necessarily read it because because, remember, we had how I had, a whole conversation about people making excuses and how people define what an excuse is, and so that's where I read that, as they, that person might have a legitimate excuse, but it's up to you on determining whether or not you want to accept that Right To me.
Speaker 3:Like an excuse wrapped into an apology means that there's a but in there. Like that's just like with me, like, oh, you know what, I'm so sorry that I was late, but you know the train took too long and I couldn't get off at the next stop. You know, like whatever it is like, whereas what it really could have been was like I didn't leave my house in time, or like whatever it is like. You know what, that's my fault, that's my bad. I don't have a good reason for whatever it is. But like I don't know, that's just to me. Like I, I me, like I don't know, that's just to me. Like me, I associate excuses and apologies Somehow. There's like a but, there's a contraction in there, and that doesn't sit well in my spirit.
Speaker 1:I think it just depends on, like, I guess, the scenario and everything, absolutely Sometimes the excuse. I feel like it's not, you know, it's just a messed up situation. There's nothing that you could really say, and that's just that. You know, it's just a. It's just a messed up situation, there's nothing that you could really say, and and that's just that, you know but here's the thing okay, wait, which one did you who say what you said?
Speaker 2:but you said the second one, so right, so I picked the first one. Um, and I think the biggest different is the first sentence for both of them. Well, the first parts of it like I totally messed up, you're taking accountability for it. You kind of are with. You have every right. But it's the difference between I totally messed up, I fucked up, versus you know what, I didn't really fuck up, but you have every right to do whatever to feel how you feel. Like that's how that one reads to me Like you have every right to feel what you feel.
Speaker 3:So I feel how you feel, like that's how that one reads to me like you have every right to feel what you feel. So I think, obviously for all of them there's going to be like that. There's, you know, there's something that we find valid in both options. Just one of them just has more weight than the other one. For us, um?
Speaker 1:question seven. It's more meaningful to me when someone asks me I'd like to make things better between us. What can I do to make things right? Or you don't have to answer immediately, but will you consider forgiving me for making this mistake? No, motherfucker, I'm so tired of your apologies already yeah, it's starting to turn now it's starting to do it.
Speaker 2:It's starting to do it now. We's starting to do it. It's starting to do it Now. We're starting to see how that's a little aggravating.
Speaker 3:I think they're really starting to kind of dig into yeah.
Speaker 2:They're adding a little key words, though, yeah.
Speaker 1:To make things better between us.
Speaker 2:Okay, I have my answer.
Speaker 1:I have my answer too. What's your answer? I think the first one. Still, I'd like to make things better between us. What can I do to make things right? I picked that answer because PJ, I picked the second one.
Speaker 2:I picked the answer because I feel like PJ. I picked the second one.
Speaker 3:I picked the first one too. I'd like to make things better between us. What can I do to make things right?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, I picked it because no one gets anything right perfectly. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship it is, and I think that I'm ultimately I'm looking for a progressive betterment of whatever that state is. So with this, the second answer, where you say you know you don't have to answer immediately, first of all, that sounds like you don't care, kind of like you answer whenever you answer, you come back to me whenever you're ready, kind of thing, and I don't know if that highlights a certain level of urgency. Um, but I like not just the apologizing. Once again, it's about the work. You want to make things better. Okay, then these are the things that we need to do, or try and stop, or try and start.
Speaker 3:I feel the same way and I know I was saying before that, like when it comes to an apology, I don't want to be the one who is making the actions on your behalf, or however I worded it before. But I think, in this particular scenario, I do feel like the second answer is it's there's again. It doesn't go anywhere, Like it's putting off the responsibility on me yet again. You don't have to answer immediately, but will you consider forgiving me for this mistake? Where's the what? What's the? Again? You're putting the ball in my court. Where's you taking some type of responsibility? Where is you taking some type of action? At least in the first one? I'd like to make things better between us. What can I do to make things right? Yes, yes, you're involving me, but at the end of the day, you're the one who's still making the action, who's making the move, who's doing the work. So that's why that one sits better with me than the second one does.
Speaker 2:You know I want to see my answer now, but we can't. I do. I do agree where both of you guys are coming from, because that's the one that stuck out to me, but it was the idea of like you understanding that you wanting an answer right now, um, doesn't like you once, when people want an answer right now, like that means that you're you're impatient. So, like, yeah, to acknowledge the fact that, hey, you don't have to answer me immediately, like, take your time to think about this, but I want you to consider, like the words those are the two words that jumped at me with the second answer like immediately and consider, because the other one was possibly. So possibly and consider, kind of, I guess, make me the same thing some one time sometimes. But for consideration, let me give it some thought and at the end of my thought, you know what I can't. I thought I could, but I can't.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I can't. I thought I could, but I can't.
Speaker 1:You know what the problem that I have with that? I see what you're saying about the answer immediately and giving enough time for you to process, but the first question doesn't, the first answer doesn't imply that you don't have to answer immediately. They're not saying I need an answer right now. So I would never take it as that, because at least that way, the if I want to be, I can be in control of the situation. You're apologizing to me, right?
Speaker 2:So See, but the problem that I have with the You're, you're apologizing to me, right, so see, but the the problem that I have with the first answer is I'd like to make things better, like no, we're good, I'm there, I'm glad, that's what you want, but you fucked up, so I, I I'm glad, so it's the you things better between us, like I.
Speaker 1:I know, but my question is to you then.
Speaker 3:But so then you would like to make it better when they the one, that when they're they're one, I think it should be saying is that you can still give that answer, like if somebody says I'd like to make things better between us, what can I do to make things right? Your answer could still be you know what? There isn't. There is nothing. I'm not interested in making things better. You know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think I think that the my, my, my, I won't say issue a problem, but my pause with the first one is that it's solely based on your need and your want whereas you're right.
Speaker 3:You're absolutely right because in the second one it does give more consideration for the person who's being apologized to, like the I'm putting things in your court, it's on your timetable, you make the decisions when you're ready. So I do appreciate that part of it. But I also personally don't like things lying in limbo either, like. I would rather have like some type of like action or understood action towards a solution. So, again, that's why I kind of gravitate towards the first one. More alright, question 8 who we, at speed of 8 of 25 y'all, some of these we just gonna have to answer and not give explanations if we all agree, we all agree, we all agree.
Speaker 2:How about if it's two out of three, then the person who gave the not majority answer Okay.
Speaker 1:I like that. That might be every question.
Speaker 3:It might be, we it might be, we'll see lightning round okay, question eight. It's more meaningful to me when I hear these words from someone. I want to ask you to forgive me. It deeply pains me to see you hurting like this. I know, I think you know.
Speaker 2:Being paid.
Speaker 3:Are we all in agreement?
Speaker 2:I will say the first one.
Speaker 3:The first one.
Speaker 1:Thank you. Okay, good, so we're all sane.
Speaker 3:We're all on the same page. It deeply pains me. That sounds real narcissistic.
Speaker 2:Thank you, okay, great, alright. Next Question nine Go ahead, go ahead. What was it, man?
Speaker 1:Or is it you?
Speaker 3:PJ. Is it you PJ? No, it's Chris.
Speaker 1:I think so go ahead. Question 9. Question 9 it's more meaningful to me when someone says I've really messed up this time. We missed the deadline because of me. Or can we back up and let me try to fix this? I really want to mend the damage I've caused.
Speaker 3:I know mine.
Speaker 2:I know mine too.
Speaker 1:I don't mind too. I don't know.
Speaker 2:And remember listeners. There are no wrong answers in these.
Speaker 3:There are no wrong answers.
Speaker 2:These are purely like when you, when you take these quizzes honest, like you said, blair, first gut feeling maybe think about it a little bit more, you know when you think about it, but go with your first initial gut okay, I know which one I'm gonna go with the first one. I hate the way you called your name first I'm going with the second one.
Speaker 3:I'm going. Oh okay, I went with the first one, so explain yourself, so I going with the second one.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay, I went with the first one. So, explain yourself. So I went with the Dale.
Speaker 3:Again, I went with the second one because I feel like it's Even if the answer is no, it's taking responsibility for what that person did. They're admitting that they cause damage and they're trying to see if there is some type of solution or something can be salvaged. You know like, maybe it's not going to be perfect, Maybe it's not going to be. You know, obviously it's, it's, it's fucked up. You know, obviously it's, it's it's fucked up, Whatever happens. You know, like I cause damage. Let me see if I can at least try to stop the bleeding a little bit. You know kind of thing as opposed to man, I fucked up, we missed out.
Speaker 3:Sorry y'all this one kind of reads to me as I really messed up this time. We missed the deadline. You know what I like about and like maybe I can reach out to the administrator, to, you know, plead my case and let them know that this is my fault. Let me ask them if they'll make an exception. There's no, there's no try. You know. There's just acceptance of, you know, defeat. There's no try. Which is why and again, like the answer very well may be like nah, you fucked up too bad, but at least you tried, at least you asked.
Speaker 2:A person is dead on the table right now and you want to go back and bring them back to life. How are we going to fix this?
Speaker 3:It's more so. And in that, ok, in that scenario, it's like's like man, like let me go back and review and like see like what it is that I did to get us here. Like did I like, did I, did I, did I miss something on their ekg? Did I like not chart them properly? Did I like take their blood pressure wrong? Like, let me assess this situation and see, like what happened here, as opposed to man, that nigga dead I love it how we're on.
Speaker 2:This is an episode of Grace.
Speaker 3:To the next one.
Speaker 1:So I see, I see what you mean by that. I just think that for me, I think, is the directness of it, cause I think when it comes to apologies, so many people suck at it. To even begin with, they've been typically dancing around it and doing stuff and I think in that moment, especially if I'm angry, upset, I think I just need to like damn, like you fucked up, like just done deal right like so to your point with the, with the uh, or to pj's point with um, you done killed somebody.
Speaker 1:They land on the surgery bed. You killed them. Like what are you? What are you going to possibly say in that moment? Like there's a moment of solace, that is just like all right yeah you, you messed this up fair, yep.
Speaker 3:And again, it's all about the scenarios too yeah okay.
Speaker 2:I was just waiting for the city of New York to stop being loud.
Speaker 3:I don't know if y'all heard that.
Speaker 2:So cause it was right at my window. All right, the next one Is it me?
Speaker 1:I think so. I think you just try to skip reading questions.
Speaker 2:Question number 10. It is more meaningful to me when I hear someone say I'm upset with myself. Right, I'm upset with myself over how I handled our disagreement. I cringe when I recall the way I act, the way I reacted or acted. Second one is or I know what I? I know that what I've been doing is not helpful. Would you like to see me change? I already had an answer. What would you like to see me change that would make this better for you?
Speaker 3:this is very. Yeah, it's all about how they're wording these questions, because I know what my answer is.
Speaker 1:The second one. I got it. Sorry, I don't know why, I just blurted it out.
Speaker 3:PJ. What was yours?
Speaker 2:Hello, this is the one that um. I will say the second one.
Speaker 3:I said the first one. Explain yourself honestly. I think the reason why I gravitated towards this one was because this literally, literally just happened to me and this is exactly how I felt. Like every time I thought about it, I literally cringed, like it was a cringe. And I remember when I was speaking to this person, that's what I said. I said I'm I'm really upset with how I behaved, and every time I think about how I behaved, it really makes me upset and I want to apologize to you for it. I was wrong and I promise I will do my best to never act like that again with you.
Speaker 2:The petty in me wants you to feel it, so I'm going to let you keep cringing, keep cringing, all right, but thank you for involving me in this part of this is when I because I think the questions beforehand weren't really given how you feel about it. Maybe they were, but the cringe is what jumps at me and I would let me take control now.
Speaker 3:So that's why I also just kind of feel like in the second one. If you know what you're doing isn't helpful, then you probably already have some idea about what you should be changing. So why are you asking me? I don't you know.
Speaker 1:I hear you, blair. I just don't know if I can wrap my mind around that, because some people are just completely lost, they're just lost and they'll if I can wrap my mind around that, because some people are just completely lost, they're just lost and they'll know, based on, like, maybe, some of your emotions, that something is still not right, but they still don't know exactly what it is that they should be doing. It's quite the phenomenon to watch, if you're ever watching somebody from the outside looking in and you're just all like I don't understand why they didn't just do X, y and Z, because that's what they want. I don't know.
Speaker 2:Next. It is you my love, it's me See. Now he's hit it, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:Okay, question 11. It's more meaningful to me when someone tells me I know what I did was wrong or I'm so sorry I feel terrible that I let you down.
Speaker 1:I know mine.
Speaker 2:I know mine.
Speaker 1:I know mine, I know mine, I know mine.
Speaker 3:I'm going with the second one.
Speaker 2:As am I.
Speaker 1:I'm changing mine.
Speaker 3:You want with the first one. I know what I did was wrong. You can't change it now. What was your first answer? You can't it now. What was your first answer?
Speaker 2:You can't. That was your answer.
Speaker 1:I think it was.
Speaker 2:You know, it was Explain yourself.
Speaker 1:I think it simply just was. I think it was just the directness of it. I think it's just. I truly wish that. I, because I didn't take a lot of time to think about it. I probably. The second answer is probably better for me, but I will follow through and then pick the first one. But it has to deal with the directness, because a lot of times people think about almost every argument that you've ever been in or every problem that you've ever been in. It's almost like the person doesn't know that they are in the wrong until they realize that they're in the wrong and typically, when they realize that they've been in the wrong, they normally do better. And that's the lens that I'm looking at it and that's the lens that I'm looking at it. Almost every conversation that I've ever or argument that I've ever had, it was always back and forth until that person went aha, I see what you mean.
Speaker 3:And then they go. I'm sorry, I hear you, and it's all about perspective. I think for me the first one doesn't mean that they're actually taking any responsibility. They can be like yeah, I know what I did was wrong yeah, yeah, absolutely right.
Speaker 1:And when I when I read it the second time, I was like they're just like yeah, I know what I did what you said was some bullshit.
Speaker 3:I knew it was wrong when I was doing it, and I still did it anyway I said what I said and I still live by.
Speaker 2:I live very much by. I said what I said and I still live by. I live very much by. I said what I said. Creed.
Speaker 2:But I think listen, okay, and what I said was probably some bullshit, but I said what I said. But after a while I think the part that gets me between these two is the fact that you, you disappointment is is is I come from the disappointment, versus making me angry like if, if I'm disappointed, if I disappointed you, that makes me feel worse than you're being angry with me because I'm number one. Where does that anger lie? In disappointment or abandonment or whatever the hell the issue is? But that's so. That's why I feel over the second one.
Speaker 2:All right, sorry, explaining issue is, but that's so, that's why I feel over the second one. All right, sorry explaining.
Speaker 1:Okay, this is me, it is okay, question 12. It's more meaningful to me when someone asks me what changes could I put into place so that you might begin to trust me going forward, or? I hope this won't permanently damage our working relationship. Will you please accept my apology.
Speaker 3:Okay, everybody got theirs.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 3:I'm going with the first one.
Speaker 2:As am I.
Speaker 1:Me too. Yay, we're back on the same page. Okay, so we all said the first one, right? Okay, yep Me too.
Speaker 3:Yay, we're back on the same page. Okay, so we all said the first one, right?
Speaker 2:Okay, yep, we can. We can skirt past that one then. All right, it is more meaningful. Oh, do you want to skirt past it? No, no, it's you. Yep, it is more meaningful. It is more meaningful to me when someone says I can see my actions cause you pain and I feel terrible about what I did, or is there anything I can do to repair the damage I've created?
Speaker 3:I know mine, Me too.
Speaker 2:Me three. I'm going with the first one.
Speaker 3:I'm going with the first one.
Speaker 1:I'm going with the first one.
Speaker 3:Yes, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding. We're going to make Chris answer first from now on. You're going with the first one or the second one? The first one, oh okay, yeah. I can see my actions cause you pain and I feel terrible about what I did it's also sound like that really is a song lyric.
Speaker 3:So like you, win me now oh, ain't nothing like a 90s r&b apology. I don't think you wrong. I don't think you're wrong. Okay, question 14. It's more meaningful to me when someone tells me if I had only thought about what I was doing, I would have realized it was wrong, or I know that I've caused you a significant amount of trouble. I would greatly appreciate it if you would forgive me. First of all, these are both nigga ass responses.
Speaker 1:I was sitting there like why is it like that?
Speaker 2:Yo, who's the fuck boy that wrote this?
Speaker 3:If I had only thought about what I was doing was wrong, I would have realized that is a terrible. I know I caused you a significant amount of trouble. I would have greatly appreciated if you would forgive me.
Speaker 2:It's the way we're reading it there's some bump nigga ass responses. I think that it's just we're putting the wrong emphasis on the wrong syllable, that sounds so gross.
Speaker 3:I think that it's just we're putting the wrong emphasis on the wrong syllable, not emphasis on syllable that sounds so gross. I do know my answer, though.
Speaker 1:Yeah, me too. Do you want me to answer first, since?
Speaker 3:you guys don't trust me we do.
Speaker 1:This is the second one I'm going with.
Speaker 2:Okay, interesting.
Speaker 3:I'm going with the first.
Speaker 2:I'm going with the first.
Speaker 3:I am too.
Speaker 2:Okay, good, no, she's going with the first.
Speaker 3:I'm going with the first, so now you have to explain why you chose the second. I just think that I know that I've caused you a significant amount of trouble. I would greatly appreciate it if you would forgive me.
Speaker 1:That's the way you read it, Yo. I would greatly appreciate it if you would forgive me. They're all answers, son.
Speaker 2:Yo, I would greatly appreciate it, son, if you would forgive me nigga.
Speaker 3:That's what I feel like needs to be at the end of it.
Speaker 1:I don't think that I have like an explanation. I just think that, like you know, you're at this point. You're just asking for forgiveness. Well, I will just asking for forgiveness. Well, I will say this, this, before we even go to any further explanation, because I don't really have an explanation for this one. This is draining the fuck out of me. It is because I'm just all like stop apologizing, I don't want to talk to you ever again.
Speaker 3:I was like I don't ever want to hear this many apologies ever. I will say that, at least for the like I said. They're both some fuck ass responses, but they are at least with the first one. It at least shows me that you analyzed, that you went back and you reviewed. You know, like dang, like, if only I'd really thought about what I was doing, as opposed to like. The second one doesn't necessarily doesn't have any implication that they went back and looked at the situation. They just looked at what's happening. Now they see you like, oh, dang, like. I didn't really you really feel some type of way, I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:Like could you? Yeah, that's what that gives. That gives very much. You feel some type of way.
Speaker 3:I'm apologizing because you feel bad and not necessarily like I looked back on the situation and I see why I made you feel some type of way. It's just the oh, I see currently that you feel some type of way, so I'm sorry, nigga.
Speaker 1:I think the first one is not even asking for an apology or forgiveness, though, and I think that's what's. It's not, it's just ownership.
Speaker 3:It's, it's ownership. You're right, exactly. And again, these are all, of all of these. It's the way the quiz is set up and the way the love language is set up too. It puts different things in different scenarios and it depends on, like, how it hits you or how you hear it, because we've all kind of gone through like same iterations of the same thing hearing, hearing it it's, it's I, I. I always loved these quizzes Cause I think that hearing it different ways like hits you different, and all that jazz, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 2:It is my turn.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 2:All right, I think is it.
Speaker 3:Sure.
Speaker 2:Go for it? Yeah, that's the name of. Is it sure go for it. Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 3:episode is it my turn? Somebody just volunteered to read the questions uh-huh.
Speaker 2:It is more meaningful to me when I hear someone say I am truly grieved, good night said no one ever not said no one ever I am truly grieved and sorry for my actions plus the way they affected you. What if I, if no man, go to or or if I'm ever again upset with you? I promise to gather my thoughts and approach you directly and respectfully.
Speaker 3:Now that we've actually fumbled through that, I know mine.
Speaker 2:I know mine. I know mine Because this Child these are terrible answers.
Speaker 1:Oh my God.
Speaker 2:But remember, they're just between the two, so like they're not supposed to sound perfect, but it's like which one is.
Speaker 3:Which one would you rather hear Like? Which one holds more weight for you? I think the second one, the second one for me.
Speaker 2:The second one for me Great, fantastic, because the whole I am truly grieved.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Like what the hell? I am truly grieved. It's not even that that threw me, but I feel like the second one again shows actions towards the future, like how are we going to combat this if this were to ever happen again?
Speaker 1:No, but that first one is definitely like chat GPT, make an apology for me. Okay, okay, okay, I guess this is me.
Speaker 3:No, it's me Question 16.
Speaker 1:I guess this is me, or is it you?
Speaker 3:no.
Speaker 1:I think question 16. It's more meaningful to me when someone says I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, or I simply should not have done that.
Speaker 3:I know mine.
Speaker 1:I know mine I know mine, I know mine, I know mine.
Speaker 3:I simply should not have done that.
Speaker 2:PJ this is the time where I'll say I hope you can find it in my heart forgive me between the two it's funny I went back and forth in my head a lot because I like the direction what is your answer? First?
Speaker 1:I am. I'm going to tell you my goodness now, apologize.
Speaker 2:I simply should not have done that.
Speaker 1:I right, I think I think I'm still gonna go with the I would. I would be going with the first one. I hope you can find in your heart to forgive me. I simply should have not done that. Should not have done that Leads me to believe that it leaves room for you to have known that you shouldn't have done that and for you to be passive, aggressive and just say oops, my bad I did it again and and, and this is what we've been saying this whole time.
Speaker 3:But in this scenario, as with these being the two answers, I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me, and I simply should not have done that. I appreciate the directness of the second one. I like that. It's direct, it's right there.
Speaker 1:But I appreciate the directness of it, but I guess in this instance, where you have the two, I like the sincerity of the first one.
Speaker 2:It's really sincere Everything's going to hit different at different points, I think we're all going to get different answers at the end.
Speaker 1:Of course I hope so. Nobody apologizes to anyone.
Speaker 3:Y'all don't like apologies, period. Don't fuck up Question 17. It's more meaningful to me when I hear someone say I realize that talk is cheap. I'll work to show you that I'm changing. Or is there anything I can do to make up for what I did? I know what mine is and I'll tell you why, if it's different from what you guys said in a minute.
Speaker 1:And I'm on to.
Speaker 2:What's yours, Chris?
Speaker 1:Two Is there anything I could do to make up for what I did?
Speaker 3:PJ. I agree two.
Speaker 1:I said two also whoo, this is like a really bad game show and I don't have to retraumatize myself.
Speaker 2:I don't know. The talk is cheap.
Speaker 3:One Like I just it's not even the talk is cheap part.
Speaker 2:That bothered me. How do you know?
Speaker 3:It was the I'll work to show you that I'm changing kind of thing I like again that that's triggering for me, specifically because of previous very much so experiences where that was said over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and there was nothing. Because it said over and over again I'm so like just blocked from, just like hearing that that has no impact on me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I said the same thing too. I feel like you've been down this road before for you to say, like talk is cheap, like how much talking have we done already?
Speaker 2:It is more meaningful to me when someone tells me I am really embarrassed about my behavior. I am so, so sorry. Or no ifs, ands or buts. I admit that I was wrong. This is devilish, Just like your laugh. I know mine what Are you coming back up. Okay, so wait. I think I know mine too, but is the objective of this to? Accept the apology.
Speaker 3:No, it's just what would be more meaningful to you hearing.
Speaker 2:What means more to you. It does say that what's more meaningful.
Speaker 3:Not if you accept the apology or accept what they're saying. It's just, if somebody were to say one of these two things to you, which one would you rather? Which one means more to you?
Speaker 2:I'll say the second one.
Speaker 3:I say the first one.
Speaker 1:I say the first one too. Pj, explain yourself.
Speaker 2:I think that you said the second one. All right, I said the second one because there's just no, I don't hear an explanation. I don't want you to make up how you feel. I don't care about you know anything with this. You made a mistake and I need you to just own up to it. Like accountability is everything to me. You need to just own up to it and just. I don't care about how you feel.
Speaker 1:Because you hurt me. You know what's funny about these responses. I like certain ones. I feel I there's a lot of trauma in them, the whole no if, ands or buts. I feel like people only say stuff like that after they've only gone through it for the 18,000th time with that particular person and I feel like at that point it's abusive. So I don't think that I would want to hear that, because what you if and me if and no conjunction junction, what's?
Speaker 3:your function.
Speaker 1:What you doing. I'm tired of hearing it.
Speaker 3:I think for me, the first one is more meaningful because there's a bit of shame involved with it, which again means that, like, you took the time to reflect and if you're embarrassed by it, it means it. It it gives me reason to believe that you wouldn't repeat the same behavior. Whereas with the second one no ifs, ands or buts I admit that I was wrong. Like yeah, I was wrong. No ifs, ands or buts. I admit that I was wrong. Like, yeah, I was wrong. End of sentence.
Speaker 2:Like I, don't really get any.
Speaker 3:Now that I hear you say like end of sentence, I don't get like any like impacts, Like I don't understand how, I don't know if what you did impacted you, Whereas with the first one, you're telling me that you were embarrassed by your behavior and you're sorry that you did it. Like I, like I can, you're telling me that there was an impact.
Speaker 2:But you can be embarrassed and still be right or still think that you're right. So that's why I like you're. You're saying but.
Speaker 3:But this is also saying and I'm so, so sorry, so so sorry, there's two, so's not just one, not I'm so sorry, but I'm so so sorry all right, moving on to the next one um question 19. It's more meaningful to me when I hear someone say I apologize, will you please forgive me? Or, going forward, I will manage my time and prioritize my schedule so that I won't have the same difficulties.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 3:That's your answer, both of them, or just the second question? Because, they're both questions. Well, no, the first one is a question, the second one isn't and that's why I have my answer. I have my answer. Yeah, I have my answer too.
Speaker 1:It's my answer. Yeah, I have my answer too.
Speaker 2:It's the first one. It's the first one yeah, yeah, okay, going forward. Bitch, how do you even know that we're going forward?
Speaker 3:Like, not you trying to time manage this apology, Like this feels?
Speaker 2:so bad?
Speaker 1:There are people who do that, like you know, most definitely just telling you what's going to happen.
Speaker 3:Exactly, I feel like you're trying. That feels weird. Alright cool. I'm glad we all feel the same about that one.
Speaker 2:It just took seven tries Question 20.
Speaker 1:It's more meaningful to me when someone says I want so badly to avoid this type of error again. Let's talk about what I can do in the future to follow through on my commitments. Or I don't feel right saying my bad. I want to make it up for what. I want to make up for what I've done. What would you consider appropriate?
Speaker 2:I know my answer.
Speaker 3:I see what they did with this one.
Speaker 2:They did too.
Speaker 1:I don't like them.
Speaker 3:I know my answer.
Speaker 1:I know my answer Avoid this timer. I know my answer too, which is the second one, the second one Explain yourself PJ.
Speaker 3:Go ahead. Tell the class why you picked the first one, you. Why do you prefer? I want so badly to avoid this type of error again. Let's talk about what I can do in the future to follow through on my commitments oh wait, I didn't read the.
Speaker 2:I didn't read it all the way through. I'm so sorry. Can we talk about we?
Speaker 3:don't report after nine o'clock.
Speaker 2:I'm so sorry. Can we talk about what it is that I need to do, going forward like this Between the two of them, like I'm glad that you just don't feel right saying my bad, but you want it's, it's, it's, it's still a lot of. Both of them are actually giving a lot of. I, I, I, you know, but the first, the first one between the two, comes to some like agreement between the two.
Speaker 2:Is there is there a way that we both can work through this? And if not, then okay, but the first. The second one is just I did this. I feel bad. I don't want to say my bad, so would you?
Speaker 3:I feel like with the second one, the person is taking ownership of their actions, essentially Like I feel like they're, they're taking responsibility, whereas in the first one it's like oh, that sucks, I wouldn't, I don't want that to happen again. Let's talk about how we can make sure that doesn't happen again. Whereas with the second one it's like you know, I messed up. I want to make up for what I did. Let's talk about how we can make sure that this doesn't happen again.
Speaker 1:I personally, I also think that these, these two are one in the same.
Speaker 3:I think one.
Speaker 1:I think. The one on the top, though, is a command, and I took offense to that, because, now, going back to what we were saying before, you're trying to dictate how I should respond, and you really shouldn't. It's it's apology towards me. I think that you should be taking the time to ask me questions, I think, and that's what I think the second one does what would you consider appropriate? Like? I don't think that that is enough.
Speaker 2:So upon reading for the fourth time, I do agree with you. I think that the let's is the problem in that second sentence versus can we.
Speaker 1:Yes, but then that would be a question If it was a question, I think I would have went with one. Right, right yeah.
Speaker 2:So, but I'm also the usually person who say you know what, let's talk about this, and then you can say let's not, and I'll be Okay, and there's that, okay, all right, okay.
Speaker 1:And there's that, okay, all right.
Speaker 2:Next one Question 21.
Speaker 1:We almost there. We are y'all Almost there.
Speaker 2:Thank you for hanging out with us y'all. Did we start early too? We started very late so. Okay, okay, okay, all right. It is more meaningful to me when someone tells me I know my actions were totally unacceptable, I own that, or it stresses me out to know that you had to stand there waiting on me. I regret the frustration and worry I caused you.
Speaker 3:I know my answer. Who the hell is you?
Speaker 2:I'm going to walk away. Who the?
Speaker 3:hell is you? I'm gonna walk away bro so we're all saying the first one, huh. I think we're saying like wow it felt very like shaking like a leaf oh my god, I'm stressed because I made you upset like again, fucking triggering. I'm stressed because I made you upset which?
Speaker 2:Again, fucking triggering, which goes back to the way. This is like the stress, the grieved.
Speaker 3:Next 22. It's more meaningful to me when someone says I know that I've inconvenienced you. What can I do for you that could help balance things out? Or I am unhappy with how I've hurt you.
Speaker 1:I'm enormously disappointed in myself.
Speaker 3:As you should be. I know my answer, I know mine too, it's so. It's just again. It's like the way that they like put these sentence structures together that make me I feel like I'm going back and forth on everything with each question Like I keep like going flip flop. But it really is just about like the way that, like the word, the words are all coming together, the way they're presented that create different feelings evoked from them. I'm picking the first one.
Speaker 2:Oh wait, oh well, chris, yeah, I'm picking the first one.
Speaker 1:Oh wait, chris. Yeah I. I don't like the fact that I'm going to go with the second one, but I don't like the fact that there's no work in there same.
Speaker 3:I'm going with the second one, but it's mainly because I felt like in the first one it was a whole I don't. I don't like the phrase what can I do to help balance things out? Like how can we even the score? Like how can we? You know that. That's just how it, that's how it landed. With me it felt like very like oh, I'm in the deficit, Let me try to get back in the get back in the black.
Speaker 3:Like what can I do to earn? What can I do to earn some brownie points and?
Speaker 2:I Right, right, no-transcript no-transcript.
Speaker 3:Are you going to try not to do it again? I don't know. You're not giving me any indication as to what this means for the future.
Speaker 2:I I just I agree, I see that, but I raise you I'm not thinking about the future at this moment. I raise you this is the moment, right now like I think that I need you to just own it and shut it up. Shut the fuck up on the top of shut fucketh mountain, where there are no more shuts to fuck it up.
Speaker 1:I'm pretty sure I said that wrong.
Speaker 2:Thank you.
Speaker 1:But, but, but, but okay, to, to, to add my my two cents to it. I liked the directness of it, but then I also. The problem that I had with the first answer was I've learned from this bad experience. Nigga, you're the bad one. I'm confident that everything I've learned from this bad experience will prevent me from doing it again. When I think of apology, like you realize that you were so wrong that you're not going to do it again. That whole word of prevent, I just feel like this is a repeat offender and we don't need to Right, right.
Speaker 2:I feel like there's going to be some missteps. We're going to get it wrong.
Speaker 1:Like could you imagine?
Speaker 3:like it's like somebody cheated. I don't get that. I don't get that. I feel like it's one of those like crime and punishment things, like they're saying that like they did the crime, the punishment was everything that came out of it this bad experience, and that was enough to make them be like I don't want to go through this again. I'm not going to do what I did before to repeat this same kind of scenario.
Speaker 1:I just, I just think, put put like the most extreme you know scenario in that situation, Like, for example, like let's just say, you had a boyfriend and they cheated on you, and now he's saying I think that this situation is going to help me learn from this bad experience and will help prevent me from doing it again. You're going to look at him like prevent, what do you mean prevent? But you're also assuming in that scenario.
Speaker 3:You're also assuming in that scenario that we're staying together like what? If we break up, we broke up and he's like you know what that was such a bad experience? I'm never going to repeat that behavior again but there's some people that that stay together there are, but in this, in the let's, let's, let's go either way.
Speaker 2:I want to up the ante really quick. So let's say that you're a leader of a nation and the choices that you have been making are really fucked up. Okay, and I'm not saying any nation, you know, every country has things and you say something and do something that would you rather the leader say you know what I was wrong. I own it. Everything that I did was bad. Everything, not everything I did, was bad. Let me prevent it from happening again. No, let me just not do it again. It's the prevent word that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the prevent is bothersome.
Speaker 3:I think we have different interpretations of prevent.
Speaker 2:The prevent doesn't bother me. So here's the wonderful thing I like about taking these tests before I click it so we can read our results. I love it how we, the human brain, each of us, we think and we see things differently.
Speaker 3:I mean, that's the whole premise of this podcast. That's how we came together, because we all have different Black experiences.
Speaker 1:So one stands out for me in particular. But what I find?
Speaker 3:so interesting. Wait, what did you get? What's your primary?
Speaker 1:Wait, I'm going to get to that. I'm going to get to that. One stands out in particular.
Speaker 2:Sounds like his kind of apology.
Speaker 1:Go ahead, bitch bitch one stands out in particular, but only by a couple of points. But it was the same thing with love languages they're almost all equal for me. So on your highest end.
Speaker 3:What percentage is it? 24 and on your lowest end, what percentage is it 24.
Speaker 1:And now your lowest end. What percentage is it 16.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay.
Speaker 1:And the same thing with love and hatred, and then what are the three in the middle?
Speaker 2:Are they all the same? Yes, okay, so what's in your order?
Speaker 1:So the first one that is for me is accept responsibility, that's 24%, followed by request for forgiveness, plan change, make restitution, which is 20%. And then the last one is expressing regret, which was 16%. But it was the same thing with me when it came to. Maybe it's the way that they answer the question, but it was the same way with love languages. I have like three that are like super duper close.
Speaker 3:So now go through and read. You said yours was what was the primary for you.
Speaker 1:Accept responsibility.
Speaker 3:So now read through what that means, okay.
Speaker 1:Accept responsibility. It is very difficult for some people to admit that means. Okay, accept responsibility. It is very difficult for some people to admit that they are wrong. It makes them doubt their self-worth and no one likes to be portrayed as a failure. However, as adults, we must all admit that we make and will make mistakes. We are going to make poor decisions that hurt our mates and we are going to have to admit that we were wrong. We must accept responsibility for our own failures. For many individuals, all they want to hear the words is I am wrong.
Speaker 1:If the apology neglects to accept responsibility for their actions, many partners will not feel as though the apology was meaningful and sincere, will not feel as though the apology was meaningful and sincere. Many partners need to learn how to overcome their ego, their desire to not be viewed as a failure, and simply admit that their actions were wrong. For a mate who speaks this apology language, if an apology does not admit fault, it's not worth hearing. Being sincere in your apology means allowing yourself to be weak and admitting that you make mistakes. Though this may be hard to do for some people, it makes a world of a difference to your partner who speaks this language Makes sense to me do you feel like your primary love language really resonates with you?
Speaker 1:apology. I think it's pretty apology, I think it's, I think it's, I think it's pretty accurate because I, because I know, like I I just said I I have to send it to you guys. There's this, um, a video on instagram that I just literally sent to a couple people and it talks about people being wrong and how majority people don't like being wrong, and that's that's one of the hardest things to just to just do, just admit and say, and if I think people don't do that, then they always remain with themselves and they never, they never grow so um, and not for nothing, I think. For me, I always question myself on whether or not I'm wrong, because I always want to know that I'm making the best decision possible.
Speaker 3:I don't see a lot of people typically doing that and what was the one that was the least for you? What was 16?
Speaker 1:expressing regret. Cool. Who's next? Who's?
Speaker 2:next um, so I have. I have it as charlie put. This mic is not close. Gotta put the screen closer to the mic. I'm blind. I have my. Number one is accept responsibility. Number two is plan changed. So number one accept responsibility to plan change. Three is expressing regret. Four is request forgiveness. Five is make restitution, and it goes 32, 24, 16, 16, 12 oh 32, that's significant and I and I and so like. For me, accountability is everything in an apology If you do not. Okay, now you're too close.
Speaker 3:Read the, read yours, the description for accepting responsibility.
Speaker 2:It's the exact same thing. It's the exact same thing. It's very difficult, your first one is accept responsibility. Yeah, my first yeah ours is the same.
Speaker 3:Oh, yours was Accept Responsibility too.
Speaker 2:That's my top.
Speaker 3:Oh, okay, okay, okay. So I think that probably the descriptions are just what those no, no, no, I know I'm sorry, I thought that you had a different one, okay. I will say that both of your guys was the same, but yours holds more weight, yours. Yours was more significant to you than it was I am.
Speaker 2:I am more likely to forgive you honestly and this is probably one of my things I've been working on um as much even if you repeat the same mistakes. I just really need to know that you are you take yourself accountable for what you did, open up and say what I did wrong. Now, if you keep making the same same same, same same thing, it's gonna take me a second for me to be like, okay, this nigga keep making the same mistakes, or this. You know this, he's making the same mistakes. Or this woman, man, person, dog, cat, whatever cats do no wrong, I'm sorry, don't you?
Speaker 1:throw that cat in my face but it's gonna cat whatever um cats do no wrong. I'm sorry, don't you throw that, don't talk about comment like that, but it's gonna.
Speaker 2:It's gonna make me like I, I, you have to accept responsibility, you have to come out accountability for me, or else I just I. I don't want to hear it, I don't. Yeah, let me see this. What about yours, blair?
Speaker 3:mine, uh, so I had the same percentages that you did, Chris. My top my primary apology was 24%, the next three were 20% and the last was 16%. So they're all kind of in the same kind of space. So I didn't. I just think the 32% for you is really interesting, PJ. But mine was make restitution as my number one, and then next was expressing regret, accept responsibility, planned change, and then in last place was request forgiveness. And I haven't read this yet, so we're reading this together. So for make restitution, it says.
Speaker 3:In our society, many people believe that wrong acts demand justice. The one who commits the crime should pay for their wrongdoing. A mate who speaks this love language feels the same way towards apologies. They believe that, in order to be sincere, the person who is apologizing should justify their actions. The mate who's been hurt simply wants to hear that their mate still loves them.
Speaker 3:There are many effective ways to demonstrate sincerity in an apology. Each mate must learn the other's love language in order to complete the act of restitution. Though some mates may feel as though all is forgotten with a bouquet of flowers, that might not necessarily work for all mates, Every mate should uncover what their partner's main love language is words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch and receiving gifts and use that specific love, use that specific language in order to make restitution in the most effective way. For a mate whose primary apology language is making restitutions, no matter how often you say I'm sorry or I was wrong, your mate will never find the apology sincere. You must show strong efforts to make amends. A genuine apology will be accompanied by the assurance that you still love your mate and have a desire to right the wrongdoings committed.
Speaker 2:So I guess- that seems pretty accurate for you.
Speaker 3:It does, because just saying I'm sorry or just saying I was wrong don't mean nothing to me, like it doesn't mean enough, like I need to see. I I need to see or I need to know, or I need to feel that you are sincere, like there is some sort of like change or something that is affected because of this. Just saying I'm sorry isn't gonna be enough for me. That's why I feel like the make restitution is interesting, and maybe that's just because like this is taken in the context of like romantic partners now that I, now that I've read this and listened to that part like and now we're sitting here talking about people dying on the operating table right.
Speaker 3:We're like this this is the, this, this and I guess we should have really looked at it in the beginning. But like this is like with your like mate or your romantic partner, like how you would want them to apologize to you or like imagine them saying these things to you. If I had thought about that like before, I think my answers might have been a little different. But now that I see, like, what the five categories are, I think that I would and I'm glad we didn't do this in the beginning but I think that I would have gravitated towards planned change, because I need to know that you're sorry and I need to know what you're gonna do to make sure this doesn't happen again.
Speaker 3:In general relationships but yes, in romantic relationships I do need the restitution. I do need to feel like you still love me. I do, I do, and my love language is physical touch. If somebody, if my romantic partner, were to apologize to me and hold my hand or, you know, put their hand on my face or like hug me while they're apologizing, I'm all good, All is forgiven, I'm good.
Speaker 2:So I will say this in in in romantic relationships, make restitution is absolutely correct for me ladies and gentlemen, understand that when she says that she's good, that doesn't mean keep fucking up and then just hold her hand, she'll be alright thank you for the clarification, because that part was she bad that part, thank you that's not science.
Speaker 2:I would love for for all of our listeners out there to take some time. I mean, I we've been recording for quite some time. I would want to read the other two, the other three I. I will say this, though make restitution is bottom of my list, right, so, like, which is odd, because I think the request for forgiveness for me would be at the bottom, but I think I chose a few that based on the two that they were kept saying I'm like you know what, I would prefer this over that, did that, but accept responsibility Plan changed is my definition of which is 24 percent, which is my definition of restitution itself. Like, I would prefer that, but I see restitution according to this has to do with touch, like my love language is acts of service. So if you do not take responsibility for me, then you know you can't service me, giggity. So like I see how that makes sense. He's lagging again. Okay, he's back.
Speaker 3:Okay, let's see what was your bottom one pj? Make restitution so when you're thinking, about romantic partnerships. When you're thinking, do you think that accepting responsibility is what you would think you would want from a romantic partner? Yes yeah, and then as far as making restitution meaning they're apologizing to you with acts of service, do you feel like that would be like the bottom of the list, like do you really care about that?
Speaker 2:I guess. So you know, um, yeah, um.
Speaker 3:Chris, what was your bottom one?
Speaker 1:Expressing regret.
Speaker 3:And what's your love language?
Speaker 1:Touch, I think it was expressing regret.
Speaker 3:Interesting Can you read expressing regret Like what? That, what the definition of that is?
Speaker 1:Yeah, let's see. Expressing regret is the apology language that zeros in on emotional hurt. It is an admission of guilt and shame for causing pain to another person. For those who listen for expressing regret, apologies, a simple I'm sorry, is all they look for. There's no need for explanation or payback, provided the apology has truly come from the heart. Expressing regret is a powerful apology language because it gets right to the point. It doesn't make excuses or attempt to deflect blame. Above all, expressing regret takes ownership of the wrong. For that reason, expressing regret is understood as a sincere commitment to repair and rebuild the relationship. The expression regret apology language speaks most clearly when the person offering the apology reflects sincerity, not only verbally but also through body language. Unflinching eye contact and gentle but firm touch are two ways that the body language can underscore sincerity me because I feel like accepting responsibility and expressing regret should be.
Speaker 2:It should be a one-two punch, you know, certainly because you can still take response. It's the same thing as we were saying. It was like, you know I, I, you know what I I fucked up. Am I sorry that I fucked up? No, I just know that I fucked up.
Speaker 3:And that's what I'm saying, like for me, like I feel like.
Speaker 2:It should be.
Speaker 3:I would like for them. I feel like they should be paired together. I feel like you should be direct and say I fucked up, I'm so sorry, as opposed to one or the other. Except the responsibility, I did this, it's my fault Express the regret. I feel awful, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:I see what you're saying, but something that I am picking up, though I don't know if it's the same way with you. You might be different, blair, but with me and PJ there seems to be an inverseness between love languages and an apology languages because, in this one, it mentioned that you would want touch.
Speaker 3:And.
Speaker 1:I would think that this should be higher up on the scale of my love languages touch.
Speaker 3:Because your, your definitions didn't involve your love languages at all. Did it, whereas mine did Right?
Speaker 2:This is interesting because well guys just so you know everybody.
Speaker 1:We did the little hand thing.
Speaker 2:Well, guys, there are two others, but we're not going to read all of that, because we have been recording for quite some time and I think that this is an important conversation. I think you all should should take the time to actually do this for yourself. These kind of quizzes are important to you. Um, there, I mean, this episode is not sponsored by, but we would love to have the author on this on this podcast. I think it's the same author that wrote that. Uh, gary chapman, and including with jennifer thomas. Uh, it should have been her first. Uh, because this is women's history month. Um, okay, and I oop, before I end this, I actually did, you know, I did want to mention this because this is women's history month. I was watching something earlier with my uncle and it was in reference to Jane Kennedy, and so I do want to give a special shout out to Jane Kennedy. If those of you who do not know who Jane Kennedy is, I suggest you do your research.
Speaker 2:Blair, you know who she is right yes jane kennedy was one of the first black women sportscasters gorgeous she's 73 years old. It was beautiful to hear her speak about um being one of the first black women to do this and how she created these, this avenue for other women to be sportscasters, because we need more especially black women, um, in that space. And I think that is here. You know, I'm probably gonna swap this out and put this at the beginning of the episode. We'll see how this, how it sounds put them everywhere yes, everywhere, everywhere.
Speaker 2:I just want us to get to a point where black women do not have to straighten their hair and to be acceptable in a lot of these spaces. You can walk in with your natural beauty and be everything that you are meant to be, because that's the only thing I didn't enjoy about seeing the other five women on this panel, which I suggest you actually take a look at it. If you Google it, it's a seat at the table. Look at it, y'all. Anyway, thank you guys for taking the time to listen to another episode of highly motherfucking, melanated mf mfm okay, the safe space where it is.
Speaker 2:it is the safe space where it is okay to learn how to apologize and just understand it, just saying sorry isn't enough. It's got to be backed up with something. On that note, guys, peace, love.
Speaker 3:And make restitution.
Speaker 2:Accept responsibility.
Speaker 1:Apologize Correctly.
Speaker 2:And then touch me later.
Speaker 3:Wow, Well, I mean hey, depending on who you are, that sounds like yeah, depending on who you are.
Speaker 1:Thank you, Bye.