Highly Melanated Podcast
Hosted by PJ, Blair & Red A safe space for you to enjoy every bit of your melanin no matter how "melanated" you are in skin tone, we are ALL Highly Melanated.Come enjoy funny and dynamic conversations that people of color face on a day to day basis with various topics such as loving ourselves, knowing who we are as a people and uplifting each other with a mix of class and rachetness (CLATCHETNESS)
Highly Melanated Podcast
Melanated Boys Club: Finding Strength in Facing Fear
Ever found yourself running from a 'Jason' during a family Halloween game, only to laugh about it later? We kick off this episode by sharing personal stories that blend humor and reflection, looking back at a year of unexpected changes and missed moments like Comic-Con and Halloween. While we’ve felt some fatigue, it's also been a year of growth and celebration. We've embraced cultural milestones and the joy of personal achievements, such as exploring the impact of Marvel's Agatha series and teaching a class on anti-gun violence, all while eagerly awaiting Blair's return in November.
The conversation takes a lighter turn as we chat about the evolving dynamics of Halloween fun. From humorous costume choices like being a 'hotep' or a 'spotted lanternfly' to the importance of context and safety in pranks, age and maturity seem to have refined our festive tastes. We also discuss a wide range of fears, from the benign — like questionable potluck dishes — to the more significant, like the fear of not using our voices for change. The importance of voting comes to the forefront as we share our dedication to encouraging informed participation in elections, a critical tool for shaping our communities.
Our discussion deepens as we explore the fears that accompany relationships and personal identity. We tackle modern family dynamics and the shift from traditional roles, touching on the fear of commitment and the stereotypes that prevent emotional expression. By offering techniques to challenge these fears and anxiety, such as rewarding oneself and adopting a healthier lifestyle, we hope to inspire mental resilience. Throughout, we emphasize that while confronting fear is daunting, it’s essential for success and personal growth. Join us for an insightful episode and don't forget to connect with us on social media as we gear up for a brief hiatus and anticipate exciting returns.
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I don't know what it is, but I just love being black BJ here. What up doe. It's your girl, blair. You know, mel Melanin was popping yesterday, it's popping today and it's sure enough, gonna be popping tomorrow.
Speaker 2:It's your boy, red, and you're listening to the Highly Melanated Podcast.
Speaker 1:Hey guys, hey guys, guys, hey guys.
Speaker 2:Welcome back to another episode of highly melanated podcast the safe space where it is okay to neither trick nor treat it's not safe anywhere.
Speaker 1:Did you know? Did you? Did wait, wait, wait, did you? Speaking of? Speaking of thriller, you know that was supposed to be a completely different song, right, I think I sent it to y'all in the chat. It was something like it. It was supposed to be, it's supposed to be, starlight night and it. It just didn't fit, didn't work, so he changed it to thriller. But yeah, really, so, yeah, so anyway. So PJ is happy because I made it to the end of the witch's road and I'm impressed um, red, I have not made it to the end of the witch's road.
Speaker 2:I am caught in time to the end of the Witch's Road. I am caught in time into the flow of time and things are happening to me over and over again.
Speaker 1:So, red, and once again you just hear our voices. Unfortunately, blair is stuck on the Witch's Road. She will return in November, so we are still having another Melanated Boys Club episode where it's just us guys. We miss you, glare.
Speaker 2:How lucky you guys.
Speaker 1:So how are thou, oh brother of mine?
Speaker 2:I'm actually amazing. I'm amazing but I'm tired. As you know, we was talking before. You know, we always have our powwow before we get on, but just, you know, there's been so much stuff that's gone on this year, so I feel kind of like out of sorts. Feel kind of like out of sorts, I didn't go to, uh, comic-con like I normally do, which is like a thing that I I love to do. You know, I I love going, I love seeing people in their costumes and their get-ups. I I love, um, you know, just being in character, because I've definitely, you know, dressed up as as certain things before, uh and then, and the same thing with halloween, like I'm kind of up here because I, I was working, I thought about going downtown to go deal with, you know, the parade and I'm just not feeling it.
Speaker 1:Just not feeling that spirit?
Speaker 2:yeah, yeah, I just, you know, it's just, I'm just tired, I just did, I just did a whole lot of stuff. I know one of the things that I plan on doing, uh and I would love you to do this with me, pj but, um, one of the things I'm gonna do is, towards the end of the year, I'm just going to go through all the stuff that I like I did and just like. I don't think that I always take inventory. I think I do mentally, but I never been like I did this, I did that and like kind of connect the dots. So it's kind of like. It's kind of like figuring out, like with all the stuff that you did for the year on a vision board, but doing it backwards, if you will, because I am, I have just been tired, but I'm, I'm, I'm still here, okay, okay, shit, listen, listen.
Speaker 1:I mean I, I'm still here. Okay, shit, listen, I feel you on this, because it's like Halloween.
Speaker 1:I feel like if I don't have any children around or, if I'm not around, my nieces or nephews or little cousins, and I'm not like frolicking around the city, which I don't like to do. On halloween, um, because I grew up here in, uh, in the boroughs of the brooklyn, uh, in one of the areas that they used to let us out of school early because they knew that things were popping off. This is, you know, I come from the era of the gunshots as the fireworks um, so, like this year, with with nobody, you um having a holiday party, a christmas, a halloween party, or just like, just not really being in the mood. I think the only thing that's kept me in the mood is agatha all along um and I think, like marvel has done a great job with that show again.
Speaker 1:Once again, guys, if you have not checked out, this is not sponsored by marvel. Um, but I'm, I will always ask, but it could be, but it could be, but it could be.
Speaker 2:Let's speak that okay listen.
Speaker 1:That was a long ass pause to this multiverse okay um, but this week has been pretty, pretty, damn good.
Speaker 1:Like, uh, I started teaching my class. You know the high school that I normally teach at that I'm always stressed out about these kids. Um, and this year, uh, shout out to mr robinson uh, he actually said he handpicked these kids, uh, for this class and I think he did a fucking fantastic job. Because they the first two days. I to the point where I'm excited to actually go back. Let me show you. Hold on a second we have material.
Speaker 2:Ladies and gentlemen, we have material.
Speaker 1:So, like, the first day was just really just for them, to them to get to know me, me get to know them. We talk about, like, films that they like and things of that nature. And then this time, since the program is about anti-gun violence, before you can talk about gun violence you have to really talk about gun ownership. So I did a human barometer thing with them, which is uh, those who are yeses believe that you should, you can own gun. Those that are no's, and then those that are maybes, and so what you hear, guys, is actually the list that they made okay of things, that why you should own a gun.
Speaker 1:Um, you know, and it's our second amendment, right, carrying guns help you be, become more freedom. I'm not going to talk about their English language, but this is what they wrote Um, you can protect your family, you family, from dangers, um, et cetera, et cetera. Then I had this one girl who said no, who came up with this whole list by herself Um, they can be harmful to he, she or others come on for the he, she or others.
Speaker 1:By the way, you know, guns can cause other people to be assimilated. What in the Star Trek is that about? And then there was a maybe. And then the maybes were I can't read this child's handwriting, but if you have a child to protect present at home, you shouldn't own a gun. You should take care of them and break precautions. And they were talking about the law, because I had them go into the computer lab and pull up some. Pull up some facts that backs up their opinions. Um, I've tried doing this before with the other students and I'm just excited that, even though it may not seem like a lot for this school, it's a lot. So I'm excited. You know, ever since my birthday, ever since we for those of you who know Blair just celebrated, her birthday so the queen yeah, we didn't record for my birthday and we didn't record for her birthday.
Speaker 1:So, the queen, yeah, we didn't record for my birthday and we didn't record for her birthday, so we are both going to wish our queen a happy, happy birthday.
Speaker 2:Happy birthday.
Speaker 1:That's what you gotta say. I'm gonna say happy birthday to you. I didn't know if I should sing Right. We're gonna do the church version.
Speaker 2:Happy birthday, happy birthday. Happy birthday, happy birthday.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I actually called her and went. So how was the brunch that you went with her? You went to her brunch, her birthday brunch.
Speaker 2:It was good, it was really amazing. It was nice to see all of Blair's friends from, I guess it would be from childhood up until like the most recent you know group of people that she knows, which I guess that would be, honestly, that would probably be more so the two of us, but it was really amazing. They did a really good job. They. They took pictures that she modeled in, modeled for and she. They blew them up to these like big posters, and one was pink and one was orange, which was the theme of her, of her birthday brunch. The food was great.
Speaker 2:She was very, you know, you know, blair, she's, she's so sweet and so she started crying at one point in time because she said she's like, you know, she was just so happy that people were there to support her and love her and appreciate her, um, and everybody was, and everybody was really, really, really, really cool. So it was a really good time and I'm so happy and so excited, uh, that she would include us in that. I know you, I knew you had to work, but you know she was. She kept bringing you up and said I wish pj was here, I wish you know, and so, but she. It was amazing because I think you were the only guy.
Speaker 2:Happy birthday. No, there was. There was one other guy there, the um, actually the gentleman that is, I think he's the show that she's a part of, the boyfriend came, so I forget his name, apologies in advance, but yes, but yeah, it was just the two of us, the two guys, and everybody else was lovely, lovely young women just embracing and supporting each other. So I loved it.
Speaker 1:That's a beautiful thing. I really wish I could have been there, but you know, we got to make the money when we got to make the money. Listen, like right now, the rent is too damn high. I just got told today that I did not qualify for an apartment, even though I qualify for the apartment, and it was like the way the lady said it over the phone and she was like looking into the paperwork and seeing what covers this and what covers that. She's like you qualify but you don't qualify, and it was just like you know what. Then just get off my phone, okay, because you're wasting my time, because I I got excited, not qualified but not qualified.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean basically I think it was because I'm black. No, no, Listen, right, she could tell when I picked up the phone. Yo, what's up? Good, nah, but you know this week has been awesome. Besides that, I've been really trying to maintain this level of growth that I've been able to be happy to be where I'm at presently.
Speaker 2:I told you I almost got into a fight, right? No, no, getting into fights?
Speaker 1:No, I didn't. I didn't almost get into a fight. Somebody tried to fight me and because I am presently where I'm at in my life, I just looked at him like but if you don't sit down somewhere, ain't nobody scared of you? Ain't nobody trying to fight you.
Speaker 2:You don't want no problem, problem.
Speaker 1:You don't want no problem with me.
Speaker 1:Yo, for real. If somebody looks at you, if you're like getting like all rowdy with them and they're looking at you, like they're not really bothered by it, sometimes that makes people even more mad. But I need you to pay attention to those people, because those are the people that, um, like, I kept saying to myself this ain't what you want, man, this ain't what you want. Please Like, let's just have fun, you know, and I think that that's, that's what this whole this whole year is's gonna be about just having fun.
Speaker 2:So sometimes what you just that's what you just gotta do. You gotta just find the the humor in it all. It's funny because I was looking at um, well, I'll, I'll start off with this question a week question, a week question week, your questions as they pertain to you prospectively and introspectively. So I wanted to know if was there like a trend that you saw recently, you know, regarding Halloween. You know, and this is what I mean by like you know, making the best out of situations. You know, and this is what I mean by like you know, making the best out of situations. So my, the trend that I saw recently and it just made me like laugh so hard because you know they're making light of the situation.
Speaker 2:I know that a lot of people don't particularly care for Halloween and stuff like that, but you know this family, what they did was they did kind of like a Jason, I guess, challenge where they get out of the car and as soon as they get out of the car, the person in the mask who's supposed to be jason, also gets out of the back of the back seat of the car as well and starts slowly walking after them.
Speaker 2:They have to run towards the door and try and open up the door before jason gets there and he's just taking his time. But when I tell you, I think out of the seven or eight family members that try to do this, only one actually got the key into the door and actually made it into the door. He took his sweet time and, freaking, just like, just went after them Like it does in the movies, but nobody could get in because they was just so like you know, nervous and trying to, you know, rattle and stuff like that. I said that couldn't be me, I would, I wouldn't even run towards the door, I would run past it. But how many times have we tried to like rush to get in?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I think like I've been through the situations like that, terrifying, like it's just kill me now.
Speaker 2:Right, right right. Like I was sitting there, I was like, nah, y'all need some more practice. So that's why I was like looking at that. I wanted my family to do that, but I also I low key. I don't want them to get hurt, because I could just see somebody busting their ass.
Speaker 1:But what I will say is I haven't really seen much, but I will say this maybe contradicts the exact same thing I just said, but I'm hoping that we've gotten away from doing the scare tactic. Like, mind you, that's just what you just said, but with total strangers and you know, like, like that shit is like you, you know you're gonna get shot, like I'm glad.
Speaker 2:I'm glad that you brought that up, because it's one thing to do with your family. You know what the game is and stuff like that. It's another thing to do it with complete strangers and now you don't know if you might harm them, scare them to you know the point of no return, or or have somebody all of a sudden fight back you sitting there now you getting beat up because you decided that it's a prank, it's a prank, it's a prank, it's a prank.
Speaker 1:Nah, bro, I'll show you a prank.
Speaker 2:All right, bust that ass in the face now I'm getting over my life, no, no, but but that's like, listen, that's. That's that, that's a response because you know you just want to protect yourself. That was like the kid who this is an old video he, he was in um the garbage can and he had popped out of the garbage can to scare the, the, the kid in high school, and the kid in high school just like swung on him just straight up bop, and then the dude just dropped and he was like, and he didn't mean it, you could tell. The minute the, the minute that he connected, he was like, oh, I did not mean to do that, but like you scared him and so fucking that this dude is all woozy and shit because he freaking connected on you.
Speaker 1:I don't know I I think that I will say this also.
Speaker 2:Is it that we're just getting old? I will say I don't recall doing that like that.
Speaker 1:No, I don't either.
Speaker 2:Was I always old.
Speaker 1:I will say that I'm glad I've reached past that stage. That's what I think I was about to say. As you were saying, I do know that I know if I go forward with Halloween stuff, it's going to be funny. About to say, as you were saying, because we were getting older, um, I do know that, um, I know, like, if I go forward with halloween stuff it's gonna be funny, more so like how it was last year, because, remember, I was a hotep last year, um, and so I wanted to be. Um, did I say I was gonna be this year? I was going to be. Yeah, remember, I came to you, I was, I was a hotel no, I, I know, I, I remember.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm just laughing and you was a.
Speaker 1:You was a spider lantern, fly um right that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:It's just funny when you go back and think about the things that you dressed up as, because why was you ever a hope tap and why was I ever a fucking pest?
Speaker 1:right, um, but I will say that I want to do that more often, versus like being scandalous and showing skin or doing all that other stuff. I just want to have fun. Life is too short. I just want to have fun. I want to laugh, I want to. You know, remember, I want more of those you had to be there kind of memories you know, and that you just laugh when you're by yourself, thinking about stuff like that you know, or experiences with other people that no one else get because they weren't there.
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, and and I think that's why I wanted to do the halloween party, it's just that I just didn't have the bandwidth because I knew, I knew it's for anybody who's ever hosted anything. It's just like who's ever hosted anything. It's just like you have to have the mental stamina to deal with everything. You got to know that there's enough food for people, there's enough drinks for people, there's enough this, there's enough that you know, and I just didn't have it with everything, especially with everything that's going on. So so I'm going to tell you what I am going to do. I am going to do a game night and I'm going to start doing one on a regular, consistent basis.
Speaker 1:I will come out for a game night. Listen, I'm here for it.
Speaker 2:I'm here for a game night yeah, I think that's going to be really, really, really dope, because I think, um, I think we all just need like an outlet, but like a chill outlet. That's not like, oh my god, there's all these steaks and I gotta you know costume and you know or you know something. I saw.
Speaker 1:I saw a meme party some people come dressed up as memes yeah, because remember, we said we were gonna do that and Blair said she's gonna be that. What was her name? Something, I think Linda Johnson or some shit like that. About the girl who was like when was the last time you were with with the plaintiff? And he was like this morning and she was just like stuck with the plaintiff. And he was like this morning and she was just like stuck. I would love to do more, I would love to host something, but also I still have the anxiety of so many people being up in my house, even though I have the space for it. I haven't hosted a big event since Friendsgiving, and before that was the housewarming party. That was what 12 years ago, jesus, wow don't you ever say that ever again.
Speaker 2:It's been over a decade, bro, not that you just aged the both of us, just because but yeah.
Speaker 1:So that is that. But you know something, I will say this there's a there's a big thing, um and that's so funny that you, you mentioned this um making having these parties and then like not being able to go. Um, there's always this, uh, this little thing that they like to call fomo, like the fear of missing out. Um, I think I'm finally over that stage, like, if I'm not there, I'm not there, I'm there in spirit.
Speaker 1:If I'm not there, or as what did she say? In Got To Be Real. Whitney said thank you for inviting me. I will not be able to be there. I will also not be there in spirit, but like I'm starting to like really not worry about missing out on things because, listen, like it's peaceful in my house, it's quiet, you know. Um, but I am starting to like try to face my fears a little bit more and I figure, since today is technically today, we are actually recording this on halloween. Um, we wanted to get this out before it's november and we're already defrosting.
Speaker 2:Uh, mariah I'm sorry, can you go back a little bit like this, because this thing wasn't working right no, I was just.
Speaker 1:I was just going into, like, um, since we we're we're actually recording this on hallow and right before you get ready to deforce Mariah, I really had a moment the other day where I was thinking about like all the things I overcame and all the things that I'm still afraid of, and I wanted to like have a conversation, especially since these are our Melanated Boys Corner, our Melanated Boys Club, where we talk without the women present, with all respect due, not anything disrespectful, because we love women present Melanated Men.
Speaker 1:Summit, yes, the MMS, mmc. And so, like I was wondering what? Okay, at this young age of 40, for you, welcome, let me ask you what are you afraid of?
Speaker 2:Oh Lord, what am I afraid of I these days? I'm afraid of people's jacked up cooking, you know I mean, I know this is halloween, but we're starting to slowly transition to thanksgiving jesus christ. So I'm still um about that. I'm very, you know, I'm very mindful, but we starting to slowly transition to Thanksgiving Jesus Christ, so I'm still scared about that. I'm very, you know, I'm very mindful about my stomach and my taste buds, so um.
Speaker 1:You're afraid of office potlucks.
Speaker 2:Looks it's cause some people they bring stuff sometimes and I'm like what? Is that, no dude, skip over that. I'll have the salad.
Speaker 1:This is store bought, great bought, great listen after watching a lot of these videos with people making something and then all of a sudden they turn it with their feet.
Speaker 2:No, oh yeah, no, it was terrible. Um, I know, I guess, seriously, I guess what am I afraid of? I guess I'm afraid of I all right, I'm afraid of not speaking up. I think that it's particularly paramount these days to say something that might be beneficial to the person or the masses in front of you, because they they on it right. So I mean, I'm going to tell you, I guess, the story of what was just only a couple of days ago.
Speaker 2:I recently just did a post on voting and the whole point of the post was not to have people take sides or be biased. I know that's particularly destructive, or can be destructive, because people need to come to their own conclusion and not think that someone's forcing them to pick a side or a candidate, because they need to just be able to see it themselves. There's a lot of value in that. They need to also know that people are not trying to coerce them or trying to tell them, you know, things that that they think they would like to hear, versus what is actually true. It is because I have been, in the past, vocal about voting and the importance of voting about it, and I should say, the importance of voting period, and because of that.
Speaker 2:People have actually reached out to me, still being many undecided voters out there, and they said you know, I just want to ask you a couple of questions regarding voting and what you feel, and how do you get started with learning about voting, um, learning about who's who to pick, and it's simple, because I think everybody had thinks that they have to be this political expert to in order to vote and in order to cast their ballot, and the answer is you don't. You know the the thing is is that you're finding your way and learning about topics, um, and you shouldn't just be someone who's just voting off of somebody just for a single issue. It should be a very well-rounded I'm going to take care ofrounded, I'm going to take care of the community, I'm going to take care of the country perspective, and a lot of people just don't know where to start. So I'm glad that people reached out to me, because it just reinforced that I do need to say something and try and encourage someone, even if it's just one person.
Speaker 1:Yo, but okay. So since you said that I am fearful for the state of this country, I'll tell you that. And you know, ladies and gentlemen, like you know, this, this will come out today and then, by the time we record, I think we're going to record on Election Day. I believe Blair is available that day, but I really just hope that there are some people out there with some sense, and not even just some sense to vote for the right candidate or anything like that, but vote for who the fuck you think is fit to run the country Out of both of them. Do you really believe in the depths of your soul that this man is fit to run the country? Your soul that this man is fit to run the country? You think that this man, uh, can do mental acrobats? Listen, he sounds like me right now. Like do you really think that this man is worth it? Like I, I saw this one video and I posted in the comments and it was a video about you know his old comments about um grabbing by the pussy and that whole like conversation.
Speaker 1:That was recorded and you read the comments and he was like this was eight years ago, who gives a fuck? And I just put a comment. I say hey guys, I just want you to know that we have a new generation of voters out here and these kids, a lot of them, who are, they're not cosigning with this behavior. So, what may be right for you, guess what? You have to still worry about the younger generation that are coming up, and I'm terrified that these, they will not get out and vote and they will not use their voice because they don't either understand or care or to know how important it is to vote.
Speaker 2:But, but that kind of goes back to my original point of like why I mentioned it. Right, they, a lot of people think that you have to like it's so much stuff and you got to like, really know, but a lot of the stuff that me or you or even Blair knows politically is because we just take five, 10 minutes out of our day and we just go well, that's messed up, oh, I don't like that, oh, I think that's great, and you just accumulate it. I think the most powerful thing that I kind of mentioned is that voting is a lifestyle. Your communities don't change overnight. So if you have something that's important to say or you feel like is important, that you want to see happen, you got to just say all right, I'm going to make a point.
Speaker 2:To vote all the time, not just in a general election, but also on local elections and or you know, any type of a pop-up elections. You, you should be involved with your community or community centers. Now, to be fair, like I said before, I'm not and I'm not doing everything Like I'm not, I'm not a part of my community center, but I have been actively thinking about it because you have to say to yourself who's doing or making the right decisions so that you can get the right resources, the right things for the right places at the right time. You can't just leave it up to people. You can't. Everybody has to be involved. You can't just leave it up to people. You can't. Everybody has to be involved.
Speaker 2:So if you want your community to be better, you want your community to improve, you have to go out there and you have to state your reason and state your cause. But it doesn't mean that you got to be an expert, because that's how you become an expert. Correct, you know, yeah, but yeah, I think that's what I'm really. One of the things that I'm fearful of, because you know, things can easily spiral out of control just because a new policy. I think the first thing that I'm doing is going up to my worker and I'm explaining to them guess what I just learned?
Speaker 2:And I start showing them Because the minute that you do, the minute that you show two or three people something, guess what, I don't have to worry about it, because now those two other three people know it and maybe those two other three people will teach somebody else and guess what, and then everybody knows. But a lot of people don't do that. They hoard information, they hold on to it, they keep it to themselves and then so you have a lot of people that are misinformed or have or don't have enough information to make the decisions that they need to. So tell people stuff all the time.
Speaker 1:I want to say, like I think I even like put that into my classrooms, right. So like, when I teach, whatever it is I'm teaching, whether it's the video production, whether it's podcasting, whether it's the theater, whether it's music, or even whether it's drone building and drone flying and passing this drone pilot test, drone building and drone flying and passing this drone uh pilot test. Um, I I like, for if I know, I have a star pupil or a couple of them, I like putting them on the spot as well. So, like, the best way that you could say you've learned something is that you can teach somebody else. So I was like, okay, so, okay, so you know exactly what it is. So here's what I need you to do. I want you to help this group here so they can get to this the same way you got to it.
Speaker 1:Um, because I'm I'm afraid of any kid being left behind. Like, um, I remember Mr Robinson used to tell me and I kind of got him now about it he was like you can't worry about all the students, you know, you have to really worry about the ones that you grab, grasp their attention. Um, but my thing is also like I don't, I'm afraid that that person, that child or even that adult, um, in any given space? Um, if they are, if they're too afraid to ask the questions themselves or they're too afraid to say I don't understand that, they'll just be left behind. And then people won't care, because by the time that you're so far behind, you're just going to give up. And I think that that's the first step of giving up. Not admitting that you don't know what you're doing or talking about is the first step of giving up. Just keeping it to yourself because you've given up already.
Speaker 2:It's like yes, go ahead, zombie, eat me, I don't care, I gave up you know, nobody in the name, no zombie coming over here Eat me, um, but let me all right. So let me ask you this then Um, what are some expectations of manhood then? Like, for example, we're talking about you know what are our fears, but they're kind of abstract in how we're approaching them right now, when we're talking about guys, because this is the guy's corner. What are the expectations of manhood and what are the fears of us not meeting them? What do you think that?
Speaker 1:looks like. So I'll tell you this right now, working with my uncle right. Obviously, we come from two different generations. He's a boomer, I'm an Xer, and he still has that boomer mentality of taking care of your family, which is every generation should be thinking this way. Like taking care of your family, you know, which is every generation should be thinking this way. But like taking care of your family with security, with making sure that you have a job that's going to pay your 401k, that's going to there's going to be put money into your social security. This now whatever.
Speaker 1:Um and my fear is often which has always been um about the future, about how much of the future am I going to see? I don't want to get too deep just yet, but like I always worry about what I didn't worry about when I was younger, coming to me now, if that makes sense. Like I worry about the fact that I'm not going to the gym as much as I should. Right, even though the last time we did this episode like this, we were talking about like aesthetics and things of that and going to the gym and what does that really look like, especially for men? I'm worried about, like my health I'm worried about. I'm afraid that I won't be as secure as I said I always wanted to be and that I'm not doing everything in my power to get there. Does that make sense?
Speaker 2:No, it does, it does. I like the fact that you brought up different generations because I think it slightly changes, not necessarily what, I guess, guess what manhood looks like, but I think the the lens changes because there's different expectations, you know. So, for example I know I think I was who was I talking to this about? I think I was talking to a friend about this. But you know, the expectation going back to boomers back then is to be the man and to take care of your, your, your family, and you know you gotta take care of the kids and stuff like that. And some some will tell you that you know the man has to be the breadwinner winner, so he brings home all the money and so that way you know a woman can stay home and basically just you know rear kids.
Speaker 2:But I think it's funny because you can't do that in the same way these days, because everything is just so much more complicated and everything is so much more expensive. For you to do that now you would have to make well over whatever the, whatever the median income is. And God forbid, you live in a state that is so expensive to live in, like New York right, that to live in New York is expensive. So, ok, it's going to be you and you're going to take care of yourself and your wife and your two three kids. You've got to be making like $450,000 a year, just to be comfortable, yeah.
Speaker 2:So what? So what are you, you the, you the CEO of a company? Like? There's not that many people that are like that, you know what I mean. And then that means also that your skillset needs to be higher. That means you need to have your, your bachelor's degree and your master's degree and your PhD and whatever other certificates and degrees and certifications that you need to have all of that. And I don't know. I'm not saying that it's not possible, I just wonder how realistic it is to say that.
Speaker 2:So now the family dynamics change. Now it's not just the man being the breadwinner, now it's the man co-partnering with his woman, and maybe they're making about, you know, a similar amount or whatever. It is Helping out in other ways. You know you're not the breadwinner, but maybe you get home a little bit earlier, and so now you're taking care of, you know, making sure that something is ready, whether things are clean, the food is ready, the groceries or whatever it is. And so I just think about it. I always, I always dial it back and try and figure out like, what is the underlying thing of? Like, how do you define manhood?
Speaker 1:And I think no one ever really knows what that, what that is so I wanted to add that in here because, as you were talking, like the first thing that popped up was like okay, so I'll admit this and I think I I think I'm saying this for the first time out loud in a way that hopefully will bring about change, but I do realize that for me, I have a certain aspect that is a fear of commitment. Like I want to commit to someone, but I don't want to commit someone today, you know. Like I want to be in a stable relationship but I also don't want to give up my freedoms. I want to be able to give my all to someone, but I want to be able to keep some things for myself. And I'm afraid that me letting down a lot of these emotional walls that I build up, especially being single all these years, is making it harder for me to allow someone to not just come in my life but to stay in my life after they've made mistakes.
Speaker 1:Um, and so I'm, I'm oftentimes and I'm gonna say this and I'm gonna admit it, you know I used to be afraid of being alone, but now that I'm, I'm somewhat afraid that I'm going to stay alone and it's purely by choice, but it's also like I'm. I'm not, as I'm, more rigid than I've, than I've ever been when it comes to shit. I will tolerate the shit I want, and a lot of this shit I won't tolerate is shit I do myself, like you know. You know I'm the goose and the gander and I gotta stop that.
Speaker 2:so yeah, do you? Do you think that you have a fear? Is it a fear, then, of being hurt?
Speaker 1:so it's I. I wouldn't say it's a fear of being hurt, so to speak, as a fear of the idea of when you let love in it, it opens the the door for heart break.
Speaker 2:So, like that's what it is, that's what love really means, but that's hurt, that's pain to love you know, I think, um, I always, I always like to tell people, like you know, not, not to become jaded because you don't want to stay stagnant or block your blessings, right, but I know it's a lot easier said than done, and so that's what I often hear about. That's often what I hear with a lot of men. They don't do certain things because they don't want to get hurt and for for for men to be quote, unquote, you know, uh, not emotional.
Speaker 1:I find that a lot of men block out a lot of things in order to try and prevent that they wind up hurting themselves a little bit more I've said over and over again the next time I ever get into a relationship and they hurt me, I'm losing my freedom, um, and I don't ever want to put myself in that position, so let's not do it right, right, right, I, I just, I just, I just, you know, I, I just, I just wonder what that, what that means.
Speaker 2:Then on, how do we? I just I just wonder what that, what that means. Then on, how do we tackle that, that particular fear? It sounds like fear of hurt, the fear of insecurities and being then, and then, furthermore, the fear of being hurt. How do we, how do we tackle that then? Because there's plenty of guys that I know that are like that. I mean, look, look, I shouldn't even say I know plenty of guys that are like that, right, because, guess what, hi guys, I'm a guy too and I also feel like that at times. How do you get past that? How do you say to yourself you know, I'm just going to bite the bullet and I'm going to live it?
Speaker 1:So there's something I was looking up and it was just like why do men have a fear of commitment? And it was like because of the strong mothering pressure that some men experience growing up, they may fear of being controlled. Some men have a core unconscious fear that they're not lovable, have a core unconscious fear that they're not lovable. Some men don't like that. They're adults who are ready to take on the responsibilities of a relationship, children, family life and other men just have commitment issues within themselves. Um, and I think I fall under like majority of those categories, except for, like I know I'm lovable. So like I'm, I'm.
Speaker 1:When I say I'm afraid that it's gonna stay this way, in reference to like being, um, being alone, I'm only afraid because I'm not putting myself out there to not be alone as I once did.
Speaker 1:So I I'm starting to, like when I was saying before, how you know and and for all you listeners out there, like we really are trying to when Blair isn't here, we really are trying to, like it's just us guys, right, create spaces where we feel safe enough to talk about these emotions that we have as men and not feel like even as, even as a gay man, I still have these feelings, still have these these things, and I think probably even more so because we're dealing with two men who deal with the same type of commitment issue or the same type of controlling. I know I'm somewhat controlling, but I also do know that I do and I'm learning not to let the fear of rejection of me being me drive like the car in reference to like where we go with this relationship. That was a whole lot of analogies and metaphors and similes and whatever else it is.
Speaker 2:I. It makes sense.
Speaker 1:I was like I was digesting it all yeah, right, but I I will say this, I will say this that what has helped, what has helped me um deal with a lot of that fear, the fear of inadequacy, the fear of um not being enough, the fear of not being lovable, the fear of not being understood, is a lot of alone time. And in that alone time and in those times where I journal or I write down or even I voice memo myself, I can see or read how dumb I sound or like how much I need to. You know what there's. There's something deeper here, you know, because if one more person tells me I have mother issues, um, but I'm like, I'm gay, so what does that matter? Like, still, you can still have mommy issues and it reflects your relationship as a gay man, right, so, like I know, I, I used to have daddy issues and those have quickly dissipated since he has passed on.
Speaker 1:It has just rolled over to my mom issues. And I'm also just trying to be a better understanding human, without trying to control the narrative like everybody else's narrative. Yeah, control the narrative, like everybody else's narrative.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I think I think you, I think that that you are right in saying that and I'm glad that you brought that up, because I think, until you said that, I was also like I don't know how I deal with it either. Um, but I think it is a lot of alone time and a lot of self-reflection and asking yourself. My favorite word on this show introspective. Being introspective, and I think a lot of people don't do that enough, I think a lot of people do.
Speaker 2:A lot of guys try to control a narrative, both internally and externally and I shouldn't even say internally, right, because I don't think a lot of guys are having that inner conversation with themselves. Um, so I think that they're trying to control stuff externally and because of that, they're getting into trouble, because it doesn't always work like that. You know, you can't guys know this. You can't tell one guy, another guy, you're gonna do this, the other guys are gonna look at you like you're crazy, like you're crazy, um, but you can respect, I guess, the way that certain things are, or the way that certain people are and approach the you know their, their boundaries, like that, and then and then have meaning, meaningful conversation as to like what maybe relationships or outcomes look like.
Speaker 1:That way you can try and navigate your space so like so like I had a conversation, um, I wishes, with my therapist. I need a new therapist now because my therapist left the practice Right, um, but it was someone who is a therapist. So, but like he wasn't like really speaking to me, but he was speaking to me man to man and I was telling him about, like the last situation, about the last relationship, and I was like, you know, like the truth of the matter is that, even though it was like long distance and it was, it was fantastic, I realized what really works for me is what works for me, but what I, what I did learn from that is I do still have the capacity to allow someone in. For a long time I thought that was impossible and still now, like I'm slowly like trying I'm trying my best not to get back into that mindset where I just don't want to let anybody in. I know that there are people who have expressed interest in me that are local and I just still like I'm still working on things for myself and I'm afraid that it might take too long and by that time my dick won't work. You know, like I don't know what I'm being honest, shit. I'm like there are there, you know, there are there. There hymns, okay, the blue chip, you know there are.
Speaker 1:There are things that, like I, I was talking to my cousin's grandmother and you, you know she was asking me about him and she was asking me about my last relationship, you know, about the other one, him who has no name. You know she was asking me, like what, what's different then than what's different now? To like when I was with them or when I was getting to know the other one or any even one from the past, and I said I think it's because I have a I. Right now I have a much stronger sense of self. And I think that before I was letting that fear of, I didn't know who I was and I just wanted to be whoever they wanted me to be Drive, the truck, the, the, the Ford F one 50, the truck, the, the, the ford f150, the truck okay, the manly man truck. But no, I was just trying to be something else and it just wasn't. It wasn't what I wanted. And then it's like I'm afraid that I don't even know what it is I want, but then I know what I want. It's, it's weird. And so he helped me. Wait, wait, hold on before I let this before I hold that thought. He helped me see, just by listening.
Speaker 1:He was like you are still dealing with the fear of what it means to lose love, and not lose love like a breakup, because my situation is really different.
Speaker 1:My, I mean dealing with a lover who has passed on. I'm always afraid that, like even with Charlie, when Charlie died, I'm always afraid I'm come home and Wilson's gonna be dead, you know, because he can't hear me when I walk in and he doesn't, you know, I I gotta look at him to see if he's still breathing. I don't want to put myself in that situation in a relationship and deal with either that part like, let's say, I'm the person who passes away, have that person's family treat them the way their family treated me, which I know my mother would, and I still want to have this conversation with her. I need to and or just this emptiness that holds onto you for decades and decades and decades to come, like I don't want to put somebody through that but at the same time, like I want to put somebody through knowing me and loving me. So it was just like how do I break down that fear? This fear conversation is translated into something completely different. We're not talking about love. Okay, but that's what these conversations are supposed to do, Right?
Speaker 2:I was like, well, um, that's what these conversations are supposed to do, right? I was like, well, um, I guess, what do you think are? Oh, my gosh, where was I gonna go with? This thought gave me a lot to like process and think about. Where do do you think what do you think are the expectations? I was gonna say, what do you think the expectations are of other people when it comes to you as a man? But that's not exactly where I wanna go shoot.
Speaker 1:I can tell you this, as you still think about that it is my biggest hope that when people hear me speak, they hear me speak and not hear what they want to hear.
Speaker 2:Okay, okay, hold that right there. Do you think that happens a lot? Yes, feel that people often look at you and you.
Speaker 1:You feel like they're trying to mold whatever they think that you are or should be no, I don't think that people I I don't know what people's agendas are um, when it comes down to things like that, because I don't necessarily have an agenda, but everybody doesn't think the same way as I do, as far as as they do, so, like, I think that for me and this is me walking in my shoes I have, I have had a tendency to drop everything and change everything about me to suit someone else's benefit, um, and I'm afraid of doing that again, because you lose more of yourself as time goes on and you don't like you're afraid of it.
Speaker 2:Okay, but you're afraid of that. I'm sorry to like the way you feel.
Speaker 1:I don't like the way you're I don't like, I'm not even, I'm not even looking at you and I don't like the way your finger is pointing at me. Go ahead?
Speaker 2:What are you doing? No, you said that you're afraid of changing for other people, but there has to be another fear that's there in order for you to even have the inkling to change for other people.
Speaker 1:Right, I'm not afraid of changing. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Did I say I was afraid of changing for people? Yes, I don't think I said those words.
Speaker 2:OK, clarify what you said.
Speaker 1:I don't know. Go ahead with your thought. Go ahead with your thought because I'm not afraid of changing for anybody. Oh, ok, ok, I see what you're saying. Thought because I'm not afraid of changing for anybody. Oh, okay, okay, I see what you're saying, because I'm afraid of changing who I am to suit their need is what you mean Right, right, you're going off of that comment.
Speaker 2:Okay, go ahead, gotcha, right, but but? But what I'm saying is is that you, you, there has to be something there that you, why you do change Right. And so there's a. There must be another intrinsic fear that's there as to why you do it Like. I'll give you a prime example.
Speaker 2:Right, I find that there's times where I will do something like okay, for example, let's just say I'm dating somebody and I say that I am going to. They now want to make it official Right, and instead of it just being a natural progression, it now seems forced, and so I want to change for them, because the fear is to lose them. But I also don't want to change for them because then it's no longer the natural progression that it should be to change for them, because then it's no longer the natural progression that it should be. So now it's a fear of I'm doing it just because you brought it up and I might lose you. You see what I mean. So there's a fear on both sides, and I just wonder sometimes where we land with that, because we do stuff and sometimes we go too far.
Speaker 1:I think that fear lands on the level of respect that you have for yourself and the other person, Because what I wrote down was kind of what I wrote down was kind of because because I?
Speaker 1:I I said because I because I would feel I wasn't good enough as I was, so therefore I have to be something else and I never want someone else to feel that they have to do that same thing, because we're all constantly going through like is this person like this? Is this person like this when it should be fuck it? I like this. Does this person like this when it should be fuck it? I like it, do you like it? And if you don't, does that like I don't like this, hinder what you got going on right, you know, and I, I think all, right.
Speaker 1:So let me ask you a question, because I'm gonna get you. I want you to get off of my motherfucking back right now. Okay, like, okay, when?
Speaker 2:you wish upon a star look in the mirror.
Speaker 1:I will tell you my fears are when you look in the mirror, um, and you see. You see, do you see yourself, well, first of all? What do you see when you look in the mirror? And you see, do you see yourself, well, first of all? What do you see when you look in the mirror?
Speaker 2:My face, nigga, what do I see? Okay, what do I see in the mirror? It depends, it changes constantly. There's some days that I wake up in the mirror I see this very tired, worn person that is doing 800 things and sometimes I ask myself why am I doing all of this stuff? Then there's days where I wake up and I look at myself in the mirror and I'm all like damn, I'm doing this damn thing. I think it's often very, um, indicative of how my previous day went and maybe some whatever conversations that I've had, um, but it constantly, it constantly morphs and changes and I try and I try and always make sure that if, even, if it, even if I wake up and I look in the mirror and it's not necessarily something that's positive that I change it to be positive, like, all right, I know I feel like shit right now, but let me go to the gym and let me lift something and you know whatever, and make myself feel better that way.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay. So when you because that sounds like internal self-doubt, right, no, you're not doubting yourself. When you because that sounds like internal self-doubt, right, no, you're not doubting yourself You're not looking at yourself and seeing one thing that's a completely different thing.
Speaker 2:No, no, I was, I wasn't disagreeing, I think. I think it think it does what it morphs into.
Speaker 1:What do you think it comes from? Where do you think it comes from?
Speaker 2:into. What do you think it comes from? Where do you think it comes from? Um, all right, so it depends on what it is, once again, or what I'm, what I'm, what I'm focusing on, like. So, for example, if I'm getting up and you know I'm typically I don't have a shirt on when I'm sleeping, so like I get up and I'm looking at my chest and I'll go shut up, my body looks gross, right, and maybe that's um, maybe that's uh, something that was triggered by the fact that, instead of sticking to my my meal prep, like I should have last night, I ate two donuts when I probably shouldn't have. I ate them. I didn't even eat them at a reasonable time. I ate them at like 1222 and then 1223 AM, I went into bed and I went to sleep, and so sometimes it's indicative of what was what happened before. Then there's other times that I will wake up and I'll look at my face and I will not particularly care about it, because there was something about, maybe something that is pertaining to my craft.
Speaker 2:I should have been up at five in the morning so that way I can run lines and I can really get this down pat. But instead I woke up at six and now I don't have the hour that I said that I was going to utilize. And it's so funny because going back only a few years ago I would not be able to articulate why I am fucking pissed off at myself. But it's constantly me kind of like going inside and reassessing and it takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of work. I, when I was at, when I was at work recently, as a matter of fact, somebody had I'll take it as a compliment Somebody said you, you know, you're always so positive and you know happy, and stuff like that. And I, and I part of me wants to tell them like this this is. It takes work to kind of put up this facade and say I'm right. Well, yeah, it takes work to be this fake it really does, it does.
Speaker 1:It does. It does like I, I, you know, even though it takes work, it takes the effort that it takes to um be positive-minded and um be hopeful, um actually is less energy than it does to be angry, be negative, to be you know, you know, because you have to force yourself to, no matter how angry you are, like I think, like we live in moments and we let moments that have passed hold us hostage, as I was just saying earlier, because I'm still.
Speaker 1:I'm still held hostage a little bit by certain things that I've been through and seen, and that's probably why I'm still afraid of certain things. Like I'm still afraid of having certain conversations I need to have with my mother. I'm still afraid of having certain conversations I need to have with my mother. I'm so afraid of having certain conversations I need to have, even with friends, even like, like, even like to this day. You know, kareem and I have never had that conversation that we, we, we, I thought that we needed to have. I'll be about his name, but I it's not like he listens or cares anyway, but so I will not be by his name, but so it.
Speaker 1:And it was because I was afraid, possibly, and I still am afraid to hear something about myself that I'm not willing to like, adjust, change, or you know, like you both, blaring yourself, have put me on a very straight and narrow path to a better version of me, which I appreciate the both of you for, and like, in Blair's absence, you know she's, she's. She's taught me to see a lot of the brighter sides that I would have never looked at. And in from from your perspective, you've taught me to the, you've taught me the value of what it is that I may be projecting outward, because you're seeing it and seeing something completely different than what I'm putting out, and it's inspiring in a way. Right. So, like to know that I'm talking in circles, um, to know that, um, to know that we were talking before about and we talked about this when we had an episode about fear, about how fear is made up, like we, we, we make up all these things uh, fear is about is about something that has yet to happen, the anxiety that it builds up to create this fear, and then we feed off of it and we live off of it.
Speaker 1:Um, and I spent a lot of my years afraid. I spent a lot of my years afraid of friendship. I spent a lot of my years afraid of me walking around, being myself. I know I got a big ass and I know I switch when I walk. I know it and I would be afraid that when I'm walking going something's going.
Speaker 1:I know, um, I know that in certain spaces I'm somewhat afraid that, like I will be looked down based on my sexuality, and I'm starting to. I've. You know, these past couple of years, um, which has been because of working within community, um has made that fear like something to laugh at. Like I can't believe I was afraid of that. Like I'm loving who I am right, I'm loving the fact that I can blend in both of these environments. I love how I can, you know, switch it on, switch it off. I love how I can just be myself but still be afraid that someone else won't accept me. Why, you know so.
Speaker 2:No, and I mean I mean you, you, you you're making some, some points about how to try and kind of goes back to my favorite word, like I said before interest, be introspective and just ask those questions. Because I said before, be introspective and just ask those questions because I think that we just don't do it enough and I think then we become, we project outwards and we become too worried about certain things. There's guys, for example, like it's funny that there's some guys that will worry about something and I always catch it. I always like, look at, like or not even on purpose. I don't try and eavesdrop, I just I'm just tend to be very observant sometimes, and sometimes you hear nosy, you know talk about stuff and I'm just all like, why the fuck do you even care about that shit?
Speaker 2:Like what, what, what does that matter? But like that's, that's a, that's an outward projection of the way you might feel to something or towards someone. And then you find yourself that you're centering around, centering your emotion around with everything. So, going back to what I was saying before, with with that word, people always say you know, has always had such a like an amazing personality, but that, but that. That's because I I try and work on it, because I know how important it is that if you don't, then you essentially create dissension, and people love dissension because it's their excuse to then vent and talk about things, the problems that they have they now can talk about, talk to someone else that is kind of vibrationally on their level and it's therapeutic to them. Oh, that, that motherfucker, they're just that. And you just say, and I'm just sitting there like I don't, I don't care about none of that shit none of this shit.
Speaker 1:I'm sitting here eating a chicken wing, right?
Speaker 2:I don't care about none of that shit. None of this shit. I'm sitting here eating a chicken wing, right? I don't care about none of that. And you talk about vibrations. You have to vibrationally bring people up and it doesn't happen immediately. It's a. It's a. It's a long. It's a long road and battle to get people to that point. Battle to get people to that point. And I see it with some of my guy coworkers, some of my guy employees, some of my other friends, and I just always like, look on the other side, like you got out of that situation, like, why are we worrying about this? Oh, you know, because you know that chick she was like, but you're not even talking to her anymore. So what is? Why are we? Why are we still there? And I think you want to live in that realm because it's comfortable.
Speaker 1:I did want to bring up something of like what fear does too, and I so I did a little research and it was like basically saying like what fear does to men and fear A lot of these emotions and things have different effects on men and women, right? So for fear in men, it weakens our immune system. It can cause cardiovascular damage, gastrointestinal problems such as ulcers, irritable bowel syndrome, ibs. You want?
Speaker 2:that IBS.
Speaker 1:Or decrease in fertility. You know, and you know, I'm sure it can do the same for women, but in different ways. And so I can remember just recently I was in Target and I was listening, you know, being nosy, acting like I'm listening to music, bopping my head like music is playing, but I'm really listening to this conversation that's going on behind me, my head like music is playing, but I'm really listening to this conversation that's going on behind me. And he was telling his friend how he's afraid to tell his girlfriend that he's not feeling her anymore. And he's like, because every single time they they're with each other, he's, they're arguing so much and he's afraid of her. He's like yo, she's, she's wild, like I'm really terrified. And the guy was laughing at him and he was like, see, this is why I can't tell you or my friends how I feel, because y'all are you, you know you, the first thing you do is clown. And so the guy like I, I think, because I didn't want to turn around and look at him and say something, because I probably would have um, but I think it, I hope it registered with that guy because I don't know what kind of conversation that they had after they left Target.
Speaker 1:But I really think that we do need to open up a little bit more about our fears when it comes to, like, what it is that we're each facing. Like you know, I'm still dealing with this fear. I, like Blair was saying before, like I'm afraid one day I'm gonna have a heart attack and nobody's gonna be around to know that I died, like I'm going to be in this apartment and stinking up, you know, and those are things that I live with Right, and I don't want to. I don't mean to make it so glum, but those are, like my biggest fears and that I'm just going to be a constant disappointment to everybody and everybody that knows me, because they have such a different, high, high expectation without realizing that we're human and we all make mistakes and we everybody has their vices and we have to get through them and work through whatever it is that we're working on.
Speaker 2:Do you think that the stakes is high for men to like? The expectations are high for men Like we have to do certain, meet certain requirements, but but somehow we always fall short because the lens of manhood is not well tuned and not well defined I think like for example yeah huh go ahead, go ahead okay well, I was gonna say I was like right, no.
Speaker 2:I was gonna say, for example, like you know, the the thing that you hear now these days is like you know, you can't do that because you'd be gay. It was like, and it's like breathing, okay, I can't breathe, no more, you better not breathe, otherwise you want that fucking shit I can't scratch my lower back. You know the fuck right, you're scratching your lower back like a woman okay, because you gotta put that little arch in it.
Speaker 1:You know you're trying to get somebody to poke you up there, like and that's the definition of like, being afraid because you're um, you're being perceived as weak for being fucking human. You know, and I think that I don't know where this shit came from and who was the first um person to say unga, unga, we men, we don't do this, but you know we do like. A lot of us deal with anxiety. A lot of us deal with depression. A lot of us deal with depression. A lot of us wake up in the morning. I woke up today feeling okay, and then I took a shower and I I like shaped up my, what I could shape up, um, and I just looked at myself and I was just like, oh god.
Speaker 2:God, and that was it.
Speaker 1:No, but in all seriousness, it was a long, deep sigh and I had nothing to back it up and nothing in my mind. It was just I looked at myself and let out this long sigh and I didn't know what that was about. And I still don't know what it's about. But it's also, like you know, the season, so the season still does it for me. So, like, I try to make sure that I'm putting myself in situations and being around people, but a lot of times, like you know, I can't be around people because there's nobody to be around.
Speaker 1:You're far, um, you're not that far, but I'm not even including, just get on the plane and, just like I don't want to hear nothing, I know, you know I'm about to do that and I think that's going to be one of the things when I'm going to actually, I'm traveling in the next couple of weeks. Anyway, I'm going to DC, but I just want to not be living in this fear as much as I which which I don't anymore, as much as I used to still a level of it you know, so you, so you would say that the expectations are really high for men and and, and that maybe because of that, we're not dealing with the fear well enough.
Speaker 2:So you would say that you never answered my question my question I want you to really clarify, because I think I think men, I think we, we sometimes feel like whatever we're saying is falling on deaf ears, and so you have, you have the, the whatever we're saying is falling on deaf ears, but then also the. Then you have the men out there that go and that. You know that ain't it, ain't nothing.
Speaker 2:Like you know, I'm gonna just shake that shit off, shake that shit off, yeah, yeah right and I'm just all like no, you freaking, you sick and tired of that shit, or you, you, you need to talk to somebody or you need therapy. We here at highly melanated podcast, we promote and actually encourage that you go to therapy, therapy.
Speaker 1:Men Men Therapy, yes and so okay. So I'm glad you said that, because I looked up how can a man overcome fear, and it said 10 ways to fight your fears, and right. So let's see, let's take a look at these things. All right, number one, number one Should we go from 10 to 1 or 1 to 10?
Speaker 2:well, do they get, do they get better?
Speaker 1:yeah, they do all right, so let's go to number 10, okay. So number 10 is reward yourself. Like, which is something that I think that I think I need to start doing more of like. Okay, reward yourself you know, finally give yourself a treat when you achieve something that you've been afraid of, that you thought you never could treat yourself out to a meal to a massage, buy another book, you know, jerk off to that film that you've always been wanting to. You know, like do the?
Speaker 1:little things do the little things that'll make you feel better number nine you saved I gotta get.
Speaker 2:What did you save?
Speaker 1:but you never went back to the one that you bookmarked on twitter that you never went back to. Um. Number nine take, take care of yourself. Living a healthier lifestyle can be very helpful for your mental well-being. If you feel healthier, you may find yourself less anxious and afraid, which is like you referenced, like you know, exercise. If you looked in the mirror and you was like, oh, maybe I should just go to the gym and I would feel better. Number eight Number eight Talk about it.
Speaker 1:Sharing your fears can make them less scary. Try talking to someone about what you're feeling. Talk about it. Sharing your fears can make them less scary. Try talking to someone about what you're feeling. And if not, you could also try a helpline. There's a helpline called the Breathing Space. I don't know if this is in America, because this has completely different digits here, okay, but there's talk space. There's, there's, uh, better help. There's, like you know, not beyond your pastor and beyond your family and friends. There's like, just talk to someone about it, even like how we're having this conversation right now, like have a conversation with your male friends, and like you know why. Y'all just kicking it like you know, just out of the blue. If you are feeling something. Let that be the day that you actually say something.
Speaker 1:All right yep this is one of my favorites, number seven visualize a happy place. What's your happy place?
Speaker 2:I actually have a couple of them, um one one happy place is just being here at home. I think I work very hard to make this place comfortable to where I'm like. I feel good about being here. I think that was my whole point, One of my points of moving. Being with family is happy for me sometimes and um nature makes me very happy yes, yeah, being in.
Speaker 1:You know it's crazy, because I want to be in the mountains like I don't I don't want to be on a beach, I don't want to be in, but sand and I don't. You know, I don't I want to be. I want to be yeah, I know, I know I'm saying but I want to be like in the woods, like I want to be mountains. I want to see mist, I want to see like mooses and shit, like I want to see nature.
Speaker 2:I don't want to see me all right number six number six don't try to be perfect now.
Speaker 1:This is something that I struggle a lot with, um, and and it says many people, many people struggle with the must or should thoughts, meaning this means that you believe in thoughts. Your belief in thoughts should be always be perfect, that they should. You should always be calm and strong for other people without struggling.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I, I, I'm tired of striving for perfection all the time, but I always like I know, that's like in my libra nature to be liked, um, and to be liked by a lot of people, um, I don't have to be liked by everyone anymore so I'm happy about that I, I want to, I want to, um, add to that Taking the word perfection and then adding in maybe bound to correct me, especially if they listen to this there's times that I feel like I'm a perfectionist, but I don't view it as perfection. Being a perfectionist, a lot of times I'm just like let me just do one more case, because I'm going to complete it.
Speaker 2:No, because now you should have been, it's five o'clock, it was, it was five o'clock on the you should have left three hours ago and you didn't, because it's always one more, one more, one more, one more, one more, and and that can take, that can drain you as well okay, the next one number five. Look at him keeping track challenge I almost did. I thought I was gonna be wrong challenge unhelpful thoughts.
Speaker 1:It can sometimes help to challenge these unhelpful thoughts. If you ask yourself the right questions, you can show yourself that there's really nothing to worry about. For example, if you're scared of getting trapped in a lift, you could ask yourself questions like does this lift break down? Um, have you ever heard anybody ever getting trapped in it? I don't know why the lift is there, like I guess it's trying to be men manly? Um, yeah, I don't construction. Um, is there any reason why I would get stuck? And if I do, how long does it take for someone to arrive?
Speaker 1:Challenge yourself with these like okay, so, for example, for you, right your unhelpful thoughts about, like your content that you're you're creating and that you want to put out? Like, um, is there anything that if you were to put what you put out now that you think it would be incomplete or it would be um, unliked? Of course there's like this. There's like 300 different projects. Yes, okay, exactly so then, uh, challenge yourself to just like go ahead, go ahead, honey, take a chance you know and try it all right.
Speaker 1:Next one number four shout out to uh, the movie Inside Out, to remember that anxiety isn't harmful unless you let it become harmful. So anxiety can be an overwhelming feeling. You worry about anything. You start to have panic attacks like a fast heartbeat. These concerns can make anxiety feel worse and fear worse. So it's important that your body, you know that your body's response to fear is normal because it's designed to protect you from danger, and anything that does not seem normal would seem dangerous. So anxiety isn't harmful, like it's actually something that you should feel anxious. Just don't let that anxiety take control of you. That's what I took from that yeah, I think that's the um.
Speaker 2:It's funny because we're going back, uh, almost, damn almost two years ago. I don't know if you remember when I was doing that, um, that theater uh play blurring Shine at the Hudson Guild.
Speaker 1:That's been two years already. Damn, it's been two years already. I literally feel like that was last year.
Speaker 2:Holy cow, it's been two years already because I was doing the math in my head. But it was like when I was doing that and I was so nervous not because I've never done a production or I've never done a production like that before, but just simple like you get in your headspace and for the life of me I was like why am I anxious? Why am I this nervous? I was like you act like you're going to do something on stage and then people are going to be so upset that they're going to storm the stage. They're not. They're just going to stare at you and just be like is this part of the play? They're not. They're just gonna stare at you and just be like is this part of the play. So, yeah, definitely try not to to actualize your anxiety.
Speaker 1:Right, right, right okay, the next one we're winding down three.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he got it. Ladies and gentlemen, face your fears. Avoiding fears can only make them worse. So by gradually exposing yourself to the one thing that you're scared of can help you maintain control over your fear. I'm terrified of heights. Terrified, that's all I can say. I don't even just the thought. There's a train station here in Brooklyn. It's at Atlantic Avenue, but it's the L train where the L meets the. It's like right by the L and the j train somewhere over there, by borough way junction, and the steps that go down oh, my god, I literally they're super, no, but they're not even.
Speaker 1:They're super steep, but it's like it's outside. So I'm above, you're above highways, you're above the street, but it's really high and if enough people are walking on it, it shakes and I'm always thinking that one of these days it's gonna be the day that I'm walking on this bitch, that the fucking screws are gonna come loose and it's just gonna be, you know, downhill from here. That's the way my anxiety works, um and so, like I have to like constantly whenever I'm walking down there, I've, as of recently, have been really looking down when I walk, versus just like holding on and trying to run straight forward. I've been trying to face that. I don't know if that's the best example I can give about facing your fears, but I'm terribly afraid of heights.
Speaker 2:I think I'll say this. Um, I'll say this I think it's fair to say that it's okay to have a healthy amount of fear, because the fear and the anxieties are there to help, try and protect you, right? So if you have a fear of heights, I can't see it being this thing where it's all like, oh, this is completely unreasonable, and now I need to go skydiving to kind of get rid of it. I ain't doing that, I'm just. I'm just saying, like you know, just to kind of give the example, like you're afraid of heights because you don't, you don't, you're not, you know, don't normally belong up there. I don't have wings.
Speaker 1:I like the fact. I like the fact that you're trying to face your fear.
Speaker 2:I'm like what am I name? Or I don't have wings on my feet, right, right, exactly. So like I, I I get you being concerned, but it is to just be, I guess realize like the fears that you know you should be facing, because it's a part of your everyday life, function, things that you do.
Speaker 1:I will say this and I, you know, this is a better one, um, which is oddly enough, and we've talked about this numerous times, you and I individually, as well as on the show possibly, but for those who were just listening for the first time, like I have like really bad social anxiety and I'm afraid sometimes to talk to people, even though I do it so naturally. So it's like the other day when I was just sitting here and I was just like know what? I'm gonna go out and I'm just, I'm just gonna just see where the, where the wind takes me, which was my birthday, and I was afraid of spending my birthday alone. So I didn't, I faced it and I went out and I had a fucking amazing time, just because I just didn't want to sit here by myself. And what did it make me do that? This next one?
Speaker 1:number two you have to breathe through the panic. If you feel that your heartbeat is getting faster, your, your palms are getting sweaty, um, mom, spaghetti, um, I couldn't help it. If you feel that your your heartbeat is getting fast, your palms sweaty, try not to fight it. Stay where you are and let yourself feel the fear, even though it's uncomfortable. Place one palm in one hand, place one palm on your stomach and breathe slowly. The aim is to get your mind to get used to coping with this panic I think that's, I think that's amazing advice.
Speaker 2:Um, I think a lot of people panic because they start spiraling out of control and start making assumptions as to what could happen, and that that kind of goes back to the other questions. Before with the anxiety, right, you know, you have this anxiety and these unreasonable fears. You're kind of creating things in your head that might not necessarily happen. It's okay for you to be on alert, it's okay for you to be concerned, but it's not okay for you to spiral out of control and for things to happen because then, depending on whatever the situation is, you might severely make it worse. You know, um, that's like. That's like, um, I'm sorry, I just thought about it.
Speaker 2:That's like when I'm dealing with with clients, sometimes, I mean sometimes, you know people, sometimes people get unruly, both, both clients and friends and situations. And when you're out and I can't tell you how many times I'm like you can be nervous about something I just go right up to people and I'm like, hey, what's the deal? How can I help? How can we get past this together? What's going on with you? And I think people really appreciate that because you bring you you now, being this person of focus and calm help bring down their anxiety and their fear and their whatever problems that they're having.
Speaker 1:So okay and you ready for the? For the most important one according to this list, number one, one, one, one, number one take a timeout. That's it. Take a timeout.
Speaker 1:It's difficult to think clearly when you're scared or anxious. If you can take time out to physically calm down, try to get away and from what's upsetting you, for example, you can do another activity for for 15 minutes walk down a block, make a cup of tea, make a bath, do an exercise, drink some water, watch a funny video, get lost in social media. You know, takes take some time away, and I think that's actually been really helpful, especially when it's like dealing with like anxiety, like social anxiety, but like when it in this conversation about like what we do to face our fears and our daily fears. Like if, let's say that you have a presentation due at work, right, and you're afraid of it, but like you constantly going over your cars, you know, whatever you're, however, you're presenting, this isn't going to make it any better.
Speaker 1:You have to clear your mind, take a time out, take a a breath, smoke a blunt or something. If you have to shit, if you need some hennessy, go drink some hennessy. Don't. Don't give any to me because it's not going to be good, but I think that we need to like figure out what works for us and those. The only time that those works is when we take those moments for ourselves absolutely, and it kind of goes back to what we were saying before.
Speaker 2:Right, just, it's just taking a moment that that alone changes everything. Um, I think sometimes we think of ourselves as machines and that, um, we can just go non-stop with something. Sometimes your brain just needs a break, it needs to just cool off. Even when I was doing, when I do projects and I'm doing that commercial that I recently sent out or that other piece that I just put out about voting, there was several breaks in between that, where I stopped. I went to go play video games. I was just all like because I just couldn't think about anything, and the minute that I gave myself an hour, I was able to refresh and start thinking about other things that would actually help improve that particular project. Um, so we need to give ourselves more grace. Yeah, we need to give ourselves more grace. We need to definitely take the time to not be so caught up in our thoughts, which is where I think the fear stems from and you know something.
Speaker 1:I was going to say this for another day but, um, going forward, I'm going to start. You know how. You have question of the week. I have quote of the week, so I was going to lead off with this with another day, but I think it fits perfectly.
Speaker 1:As we close this out, I saw this quote that says what you are not changing, you are choosing. And if you are not trying to find. And so that's the quote. So like what you? If you are, if you don't want to overcome this fear, but you keep facing, you, keep dealing with it, if you're not doing anything to change it, then you are choosing to live in fear. You're not doing anything better about it. If you are tired of where your life is, but you're afraid to make the next step, you are choosing to stay stagnant where you are, as opposed to moving on to the next phase of your life.
Speaker 1:Um, so, for all of all you listeners out there, I know that we've just been rambling our minds off and I really hope that a lot of y'all have stayed to the end um, and for those of you who haven't, I'll be back um. For those of you, this is your first time listening to Highly Melanated, remember that we do have a third. She is booked and busy. She will be returning in November. I want you all to wish her a happy belated birthday, as you have wished me a happy belated birthday, but more so her, because she is our queen. She's our queen to be Anyway, she's our queen to be anyway. Is there any final takeaway you want to give?
Speaker 2:um no, I think. I just, I just, no I don't have anything. I'm like I don't think I have anything it was the way you said no, no, no.
Speaker 2:I think I just want you guys out there to just look within yourself a lot more. I think we don't ask ourselves enough questions. I don't feel enough people do that and it doesn't go unnoticed to me that the way that I ask myself questions, I know for a fact that other people probably don't do that, and I think it's important to so that we can improve ourselves, and that's part of it. That's part of that's part of it that's part of facing the fear.
Speaker 2:Fear is not external right fear doesn't harm you, you know it. It's just the idea and the thought of to kind of protect yourself. So ask yourself more questions. I think that will will get away from the fear of okay, because fear is a is a what.
Speaker 1:What is it? Fear is a normal reaction. It's fear is normal. What's abnormal is to constantly live in fear. I mean, depending on your situation, everybody's situation in life is different. How dare I tell you how to live your life?
Speaker 1:but just trying to help you out, you know fear is just pain, leaving the body or something like that fear is like fear is being constipated, and then and then trying to find a toilet when you really got to go and there's no toilet around. You know, I'm gonna always bring it back to poop that's a terrible analogy on that note, guys, thank you for taking the time to listen to another episode of highly motherfucking melanated fucking melanated.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay, the safe space where it is okay to be afraid, but just know that um success is on the other side of fear. Yeah, that's a good one I think I'm gonna leave it there side of fear.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a good one. I think I'm gonna leave it there, remember I I have one, remember guys. Fear backwards is reif all right guys.
Speaker 1:Uh, you can email us at highlymelanatedpodcast at gmailcom.
Speaker 2:And yeah, all the others or you can come to our social media. Highlymelanatedpodcast or twitter, now known as x, at h underscore melanatedpod all right reef anymore again, guys, we pod.
Speaker 1:All right, reef Anymore Again, guys. We Blair will. We will be returning when we might take another week off. It just depends on her schedule, but she will be returning in the month of November. Tuesday is Election Day. We are hoping that you are all registered to vote and you guys will be voting, because the next conversation we will have will probably be about the election and everything that transpired.
Speaker 2:Hopefully most people get out there and vote.
Speaker 1:Men, if you are serious about this country, if you are serious about protecting black women, if you are serious about your next generation, your children vote and vote blue. But if you do, if you vote red, you, you don't belong here. Um, we don't do trump supporters over here. I'm so sorry to tell you that I don't give a fuck. I said it I?
Speaker 2:I don't even have anything to say. Um, on that note, peace, love and vote exactly. Thank you Bye.