Highly Melanated Podcast
Hosted by PJ, Blair & Red A safe space for you to enjoy every bit of your melanin no matter how "melanated" you are in skin tone, we are ALL Highly Melanated.Come enjoy funny and dynamic conversations that people of color face on a day to day basis with various topics such as loving ourselves, knowing who we are as a people and uplifting each other with a mix of class and rachetness (CLATCHETNESS)
Highly Melanated Podcast
Trust Yet Verify: The Unseen Battles of Love
Relationships often feel like navigating a labyrinth blindfolded, but with each year's wisdom, we're learning to trust the touch of the walls. Joins us to dissect the intricacies of romance, from the excitement of new love to the sobering realities of trust and deception. This episode is about laughing at life's little ironies, embracing the lessons tucked within every shared experience, and why sometimes, you've got to measure twice, cut once, and always trust but verify. So lean in, laugh out loud, and let's navigate this wild ride called life together, with a little help from our friends, naps, and a whole lot of trust.
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I'm ready, sorry.
PJ:I had a PJ is and I just quite grabbed my pen and it disappeared. I had it when I took a nap and I should have got up, but I ain't feel like getting up in the mouth.
Blair:You already knew that was going to be gone before you woke up.
Chris:Yeah, don't be grabbing pens. You know that's when it leaves.
Blair:Hey guys, hey guys, hey guys, it'll come right back to you.
PJ:No, it's going to be something else.
Blair:Oh, okay. Well, I'm sure it'll be just as fabulous. You're going to remember at the end of the episode.
Chris:That's very true.
Blair:You're going to remember right at the end.
PJ:Oh my God, so sad.
Blair:You got it, you got it.
Chris:I see, look at that we believe in you.
Blair:You got it.
PJ:I don't know what it is, but I just love being black PJ here.
Blair:What up dough? It's your girl, blair. You know, mel Melonin was popping yesterday, it's popping today and it's shown up going to be popping tomorrow.
PJ:Hey guys, hey guys, hey guys. Welcome back to another episode of highly melanated podcast, the safe space where it is okay to God damn. I think it was fine. Yeah, it looks so nice, thank you.
Blair:That was a great tangent. Thank you, thank you.
PJ:The safe space where it is okay. You know what? The safe space where it is okay to eat a peppermint patty.
Chris:You better get the sensation. This message has been brought to you by peppermint patties.
Blair:No, it hasn't. They paid us a dime.
PJ:Okay, pj is still trying to push through me a culpa.
Chris:Oh, my God.
PJ:I finally got to an hour and 20 minutes.
Chris:Okay, red, I have still not brought myself up to watching me a culpa. And I've actually watched other things Resident alien, which is actually pretty interesting and funny.
Blair:And Blair made a date, a girls day, with a couple of friends specifically for us to get together and watch me a culpa, because we knew that it was going to be and to quote myself and occasion to key, key and ha ha. And that's literally what we did to the whole key, key and ha ha, and I was like I'm going to watch it.
PJ:I'm going to watch it, I'm going to watch it.
Blair:It was great. So you did, so you did watch it, you watched the whole thing and we key keyed and ha ha, I don't know, I don't know, I just watched it this past Sunday, but watch it. Watch it with somebody. Yeah, watch it by yourself. Yeah, yeah, because if you watch it by yourself you feel like you have to take it seriously and keep it up and keep it up and I'm not going to say anything.
Chris:I'm just going to say no more as he gets his phone.
Blair:You know, you know, I'm calling right now Texas right now Okay, yes. Watch.
PJ:And the gang is here and the gang is back for another episode. But you know what? To be honest with you, PJ, we're going to add another one into this and this deserves a bonus. Pj is so happy and excited that Abbot Elementary is back, because I've been binging that for the past. You know, dang.
Chris:And I tell you I really so far, I really really enjoyed the season. They have some amazing actors. This go-around amazing actors Lineup is nice and I'm not even talking about and when I say that I'm not talking about like, oh my God, they got like A-listers and people who are popping in. They just have really good people who are about their craft. You could see it and that's been. I've been on my, my juj, which is watching people and the way they work in their craft and they're, they're, they're hitting it. So good job, abbot.
Blair:I'm always curious what every people say, the word juj. How do you spell juj?
PJ:Is it actual word?
Chris:J J J Du.
Blair:J.
PJ:Oh it's Is it, DJ you?
Chris:We're all like drudging G-H-G.
Blair:I've seen it spelled a couple of ways. My I would say G-H-U-S-H-G-E.
Chris:That's what do you just spell gouges.
PJ:I don't know. Okay, mind you, mind you, mind you, all you listeners out there. She is jujing up her hair as she's prepared for the night, I sure am.
Blair:The hair is getting juj-tunny.
Chris:So how are you your hair is so beautiful.
PJ:Isn't it? How was your weeks guys?
Blair:It's good. It's just, you know, busy, which I'm extremely grateful for, but busy, you know, I, I, I need to do a lot of things that I've been pending, like this apartment has been looking like. Who shot John and why? For most of 2024 at this point Come on, Seth. And so it needs to be. It needs to be juj-ed. The apartment needs to be juj-ed. How do you wait and I need a nap.
PJ:That's what it's giving her how to get away with it.
Chris:How to get away with it, man.
Blair:I just gotta make the b I just took a nap and clad her like this.
PJ:That is a week before I got to that take a nap when I got to recovery and that's when I becameLEAN2. So I you know that, just that, just you know. Like she like, as I really started to get to the big scene, like when I went down that Hundreds of Like I really started to get out of that life this way with two black women, I still think that's like one of the best things I've ever seen on.
Chris:They're real.
PJ:Yeah.
Chris:They don't get no real.
PJ:She's like, because you are mean. What about you, Chris? How was your week?
Chris:My week has been all right. I'm just, you know, staying busy. I didn't really do much of anything honestly, which is actually tied into my question the week, but we'll go back to that in a minute. I didn't really do much of anything so I just I'm just maintaining and just keeping it low profile.
Blair:Are you PJ? How was your week?
PJ:Oh, in honor of keeping it low, keeping a low profile, I was. I don't know if you guys had saw what I had posted. I had removed it off of my social media, except for my TikTok. I've been having a little anxious and a little anxiety attack because, you know, getting older and I had to do something that you know, when we get older we have to go to the doctors and get checked out and I got blood, blood, blood work done, blood. I got blood work done and my triglycerides were pimp, pimp, pimp, sky high to where they might want to put me on a statin for, like, heart conditions and I've been like up and down, going crazy, thinking about like all the people that I've known has passed away, and I don't mean to start the episode this way, but it just came out, but it was really worrying me and I've now been.
PJ:I threw out everything that I even bought freshly out of my refrigerator.
PJ:I deep cleaned and because I was going to just order a new one instead of being lazy, but I just actually cleaned it my blender, my juicer, and I'm going to go back to like the way that I should be eating as a man who's in like almost his mid 40s to like really take care of what I put in my body, because that was quite scary, only to realize that I forgot to fast.
PJ:So, the truth of it, we'll still have a. I still need to do this because my cholesterol is so high. But wonderful part about getting older, since I didn't fast and I ate the night before, which was a heavy dinner, and then in the morning I also had a heavy breakfast, but I had bacon, but not just any bacon beef bacon, which is extremely, yeah, and extra beef bacon, which is extremely salty, which skewed my numbers, probably because it said it was up in the 600s, and that is like borderline pancreatitis, borderline heart failure, borderline stroke, any moment Like so just imagine the anxiety that was going through. It's still in my TikTok, but but it's okay. I mean I'm better now because I got everything else and we talked, and so I've just been working on this intermittent fasting thing and it's got a. I don't like it.
Blair:It's just something to get used to it.
Chris:Well, I was just going to say I'm glad that you said Debolaire, because I think what a lot of people they get caught up in the fact that they got to make these life changes. And then it's so. It's so jarring and from indifferent from what you normally do in life that you're miserable while doing it. But a lot of these things are just life changes and you just have to kind of just chip away at it and just be conscious that you're just trying to constantly, I guess, eat better or do things better. You know what I mean. Like you know, if you're eating, like you know, five peppermint patties a week which are now conscious about it, you know and you only eat three or four, you did yourself a good service, you really did the right thing.
Chris:It's just that it's not going to happen overnight. I mean, even with me, like I had at one point stopped working out as much only because, like, there was just so much things going on. But I'm slowly getting back into it. But tell me, talk to me about two months ago, when I had to get up and go to the gym, I was fighting, I was struggling. I was struggling to get up because I fell back into my old habit of I don't need to really get up, so don't beat yourself up. I'm just proud that you're actually doing the right thing.
Blair:Yeah, and it's. It can definitely be scary and I could understand, like that response. Thankfully, it sounds like that response was to something that isn't necessarily the truth and the whole truth, but maybe it was just the you know all things are orchestrated, you know, on purpose and maybe that was just like the, the shock or the wake up call that you needed to just, you know, make some changes that are going to be for the betterment of you and sometimes, like you have to feel like that level of like shock and and and fear in order for it to really, like, have an effect.
PJ:It's a jolt. It's a jolt to your reality.
Blair:It's like serious, like you know somebody can tell you all day long you need to eat better, but until, like, you really feel like the the repercussions of it, you don't necessarily, you know, do it?
PJ:and I well, for in my case it's. I don't think it necessarily is about eating, it's about the less activity because I've been driving by to my come home I'm sleep or I wanted I don't do anything. I haven't, I haven't been active, physically active enough, so it's actually forced me to get back into the gym and be consistent with it. I would have went today, except for it's. You know, it's a monsoon out there, out of nowhere again. So it was actually really nice to like clean up my round my house and relax and not really stress.
Blair:Why didn't you come and clean up around my house, cuz shit.
PJ:You guys. So you got. Oh, that's why, cuz I'm like she got so much to do and she's in the bed under these covers.
Blair:But this is the only place I could be.
Chris:You feel safe, that's your safe space.
Blair:There's nowhere else to stay.
PJ:No, but I'm in a much better headspace about it. Only because, like you know, I Know that and I we've talked about this before, about like anxiety that we like or things that we trace, we inherit from our parents, and I realized I was going down a Google hole and Webmd myself, and like going through all these things and it ain't it. It ain't it, but at the same time it's still a reality. To you know, as you get older, your body breaks things down differently. You know, and I've been looking at these things, it's just that, because of the driving, I let's say that if I have to be up early, I can't eat around the family, I can't do anything, family.
PJ:So nine times out of ten, which seems to be helping, but the first time I'll eat is a two o'clock pm and so I don't. You know, obviously it's been fasting. You don't eat when you right wake up, and if I'm up at four o'clock, five o'clock in the morning, the next time I'll be available to eat. I try to make it 12, but it's been two, and the last time I'll eat has been six thirty and I'll have a snack here in there, like you saw me eat these little cookies, but I do all the junk. This is the last piece of junk I have.
Chris:I'll take, I'll do the inspection. Yeah, no, you know, I, like I said before, I'm just proud that you're doing what you need to do and Intermittent fasting actually works, really does work wonders, if you can regulate like.
Blair:Yeah, because you saw that.
Chris:Right, because you're, you're, you're, you're Decreasing the window that you eat. I don't think people realize it. If they get, they get up and they're at work and they, they're eating Breakfast eight in the morning and then you're eating all throughout the day until you get home nine at night. You just ate for like 13 hours. You don't need that, you really don't. But that does bring me to my question the week question of week question. Week question week your questions as they pertain to you Prospectively and introspectively. So we're talking about all this old-age stuff, right, things that come along as you get older. I wanted to know what is one thing that you guys are enjoying as you get older, with age, you know something that you do, that you are just loving is that?
PJ:was this your original question of the week. Yes, it's so funny how lately you know we still do it, but we don't, I don't discuss, I didn't discuss what I was gonna say there and you still be able to tie them together. Look at you.
Chris:I'm trying.
PJ:Well, since I already started speaking, I guess I'm just the thing I've enjoyed the most about getting older, being more sure in my decision-making.
Chris:Mmm-hmm, that's certainty.
PJ:Yeah, that's, it is what it is and it is what I made it, and what I said is what I said, and I know what makes sense. And and as I don't ask that question a lot anymore, does that make sense? No, I know it does, and if it doesn't, you'll tell me.
Blair:To piggyback off of that? I think my answer is similar To just kind of have like the confidence in my decision-making skills. But I think the reason for that is because I have the experience to back it up. Like, I think, when I was younger I was more so concerned about the what-ifs and thinking through every scenario and trying to plan for every scenario Before making a decision. But now that I've, you know, lived this amount of life that I've lived, I can feel a little more confident in well, if I do this, it's not gonna be the end of the world because it hasn't been yet Kind of thing. So I think that because of the experience that I've had, it's made me feel more comfortable and more confident with decisions I've made.
Chris:Okay, I Guess, to kind of make it full circle, I'll be the middle of the middle piece, the middle person that kind of ties it together. I do feel more confident these days in the way that I speak, in the way that I approach people and the way that I Discuss my thoughts or even the way that I do things. I see it at work right, because, for those who I guess didn't listen to that particular episode, many episodes ago I got a promotion as a supervisor and my my day job. But I've been a, I've been a manager before, but it's been years since I had been back in that role. In the way that I handle things it's much more succinct, you know, when you look like I wish you guys can, I wish sometimes that we could see each other in the way that we do our daily, you know.
PJ:I saw something. I saw something that said there should be a best friend day that you bring to your job, just so you know that.
Blair:Yeah, I agree, yeah, so that you can go to work is your? Oh, this, this, that motherfucker you be talking. Okay, I got it, I got it, I agree.
Chris:I agree because, like you know you, I think you would really get it inside in terms of, like, what you, what, what all of us go Through. But, like, literally throughout the day, I'm through, going throughout my particular site and everybody's coming up to me. I'm not the only manager, like, but you know the way that I handle stuff. People trust me, people respect my decisions and and yeah, and you know so, I'm more confident. And because I'm more confident, I realize that there's not this Urgency to having to do Do something. Right then and there, like, I could just chill out and relax, right, and you know, I had things that I need to do. They weren't like life or death, so I could just take the moment and just say, alright, you know what, I will eventually get to it. I am, I'm not procrastinating, I'm just making sure that I'm giving myself the time that I need and deserve.
PJ:You know what, let me, before, before we close this part out, let me add something to that question. So, as you've gotten older, now that you said that what's the most thing that we enjoy, what's what's the biggest? When I come to the opposite, but what's the what's the biggest? No, I dammit that. Words, words. Where do they go? Cuz I wrote down the answer but didn't write down the question. Um, what? What seems to mean? What means more to you now than it did before?
Chris:What means more to me now that it did because, as we get older, are what, what, what's important to us?
Blair:changes my peace of mind. My peace of mind I.
Chris:Mean it's funny because that's that. That is the umbrella answer, if I had to be specific, like to me it's like we're how things are placed, like how things are, how things are done, like I think we mentioned this before like I feel like everything has a place and you know, because everything has a place In the, in the junk drawer drawer.
PJ:Right, right, right Draw Draw.
Chris:No, you know, Okay, that that idea, that concept, but apply it to everything. It doesn't necessarily have to be the be tangible items, it's just everything is supposed to be a certain way, you know, in order for there to be a certain like a level of order. And then you know certain like a level of order and I I find myself enjoying that more because you find the answer. Quicker you know where things are at, quicker you can finish your job, quicker you can all of that stuff so.
PJ:Okay, I, I've learned it.
Blair:Come on, you're still waking up, it's okay.
PJ:Okay, I've learned that. I've learned that what I, what I appreciate the most as I get older to is respect.
Blair:And it's okay our.
PJ:ESP, and I find this. I find this and you were talking about, like you know, now that you're in a managerial role again and you know people are coming to you because they respect and they trust you and that you're giving the good answers, I find this now, as I'm not in a managerial role and I refuse to go back into one, because it's just so frustrating and I just Props to the both of you Because I just don't think I have the the patience anymore to deal with in support nation. So I think that what I appreciate when I when I even said that was I just recently did a service and and the funeral director Before, when they pulled up, she was with another, another, her driver, so I was driving the limo and they apparently were just talking about me and when they pulled up, she, she, her eyes lit up. Also, she's the person, one of the people I told you I forwarded over the actors network, because she's also Very, you know, her daughters even told me she's done some things back in the day.
PJ:She's trying to get back into it, but she, you know she was saying all these positive things and the person that the, her server, that she was driving with, you know he, he is an older man and there are sometimes I love to listen to elders who make sense and he was just talking about he was telling me one day about like it's just so important for People don't have to respect you, but if they don't respect you, make sure that you let them know that you, you you're disrespecting me, like stand your ground. And the older he's like, he's like if I can give you one little bit of wisdom the older you get, the less you'll tolerate disrespect and just. And then they hear them both say really positive things about me, like oh, he's such a nice guy, so funny, so better, and even though that I found out just two days prior that the same her driver is. You know he's older, he's in his like 70s, you know, but he's obviously still stuck in the age, so he's very homophobic. Because somebody Gave him a hug and he said do I look like a faggot? And I was like you?
PJ:know that escalated quickly, right, right, so now I'm with my, and so my uncle is with me and you know, and you know he's gotten better and you know we've talked and I said none of these people know my business, I don't. I mean, if they can't figure it out, they can't figure it out, I don't care. But part of me used to be like, hey, let me tell you something. Don't did it, but I don't have to insert that in my, I don't have to insert myself in that, because it what they were, directing it towards me or anyone that I'm around. It was just somebody else completely. And that goes back to your piece, like I Don't have to speak up for everybody when they got nothing to do with me.
Chris:No.
PJ:But there are moments when you can.
Chris:I don't know, I'm just rambling on and on and on, but no, no, no, it makes sense, though sometimes you don't, sometimes you, sometimes you do because it's necessary and maybe it's a teachable moment for others, and most of the times you don't have to, you just go on teachable moments.
Blair:Speaking of, oh, chris, who's the red? Mind you, I might do it. I'm sorry too. We're talking about teachable moments, so that kind of leads us into today's topic. It seems as though Teachable moments has been hot and heavy in the world of social media lately, namely the risa tisa saga that many, many people are familiar with, and apparently one person is not familiar with.
Chris:Yeah me, what's gonna be guys?
Blair:No idea, have you? Have you? Have you heard anybody say risa tisa, or have you heard anything, anything about Legion?
Chris:No, but maybe if you describe the scenario cuz sometimes Okay, so Very long story.
Blair:As short as I can pass. I'm gonna say long. I mean long, so you know how tiktok has. The has the format where you can do 10 minute videos on tiktok. She had 50 10 minute videos. Is this the one?
Chris:Okay, I think you haven't said. You haven't said.
PJ:You haven't said, you haven't said the phrase yet.
Blair:Um, oh, she names the series. Who the fuck did I marry? And?
Chris:so somebody was talking about a bad even watching. But yeah, it was all the, all the.
Blair:I watched, I watched all 52 parts. I did what during real time.
Blair:In real time. I didn't speed it up or anything. So it was two Saturdays ago when we didn't have SNL and I was home and I literally oh so maybe that was the last time my apartment looks like something. Damn. All of this happened in two weeks, jesus, um, wow, because I put it on Like it was a podcast and I put my headphones in and I just went around my apartment doing stuff. I went, I cleaned my apartment, I cleaned the bathroom, I cleaned the kitchen, I cooked dinner, I went to the gym, all while listening to this saga. It was about Probably a total of about like seven, eight hours altogether. It was intense.
Blair:So basically she Decided that she's going to tell her story on tiktok and basically the story is talking about how she met, met, married and divorced a pathological liar. There are a lot of peaks Well, not very many peaks. There are a lot of valleys in this story and admittedly, she says a lot of the time that, like you know, she believed what she wanted to believe and you know she looked into, you know, she, she, she admitted her compliance and a lot of things. So she admitted, like, where her fault was, but Basically she was telling us about, like how she met this guy on a dating app. Turns out they were on, he was on to. They met. They matched on two different dating apps when he was using a different name on both of them. One was like his name and the other was like a nickname. So, like for me, like I'd be Jessica on one app but Blair on the other kind of red flag.
Chris:Okay.
Blair:Okay, that's good to know. Um, I mean, here's the thing. Anyway, this isn't about me, this is about Legion. We're not talking about me.
Blair:So she walks us through the story of how they met and you know it became kind of like a whirlwind romance and then COVID happened and so they decided to quarantine together and then during quarantine, you know, basically like he was making she got pregnant. She ended up, you know, losing the baby, but essentially, like their relationship, you know, was growing and you know she didn't want to be pregnant and not married, they ended up getting married and basically she was talking about like a lot of the things that they were doing, you know, looks good but at the end of the day ended up not making sense. So she said that he was telling her that like he had all this money in an offshore account, but she never saw the accounts and he was doing things like talking to his brother every morning, but she would only be here in his side of the conversation, come to find out he wasn't talking to anybody. He was just, you know, one side of conversation like held the phone up to his ear and pretended like he was talking to people, but he really wasn't. Um, and they were house hunting and he kept telling her to look at these houses and put in offers on these houses. And he was signing paperwork To put in an offer for like some $700,000 that he was going to pay in cash and the housing deals like kept falling through because he never provided proof of funds and he kept saying he was going to provide proof of funds when the seller agreed to go through with the purchase. So it was like a back and forth.
Blair:There was a stalemate that went around like a few times. She said that they had come to like a couple of different like final terms and houses and like different realtors were dropping them Because they were like we don't know what's going on here. But she didn't write, so they were out. Um, what else did she talk about? So, and then she ended up like finding out like stuff about like his job and this car. He said that he got and he said he's going to get her a car. He's going to get her a brand new BMW, took her to test drive the cars, made her think like, oh, you don't want that, you want a different car. Took her to test drive those cars.
Blair:So basically she's thinking all these things are going to happen and then, like, he'll do everything up until the point when it's really time to actually, like, make some monetary transactions, and then all of a sudden something's wrong or something didn't happen, or an email didn't go through, or a transaction code was wrong or something. There's always some excuse. There's always some excuse. Um, so a lot of these things just kept happening, kept happening, kept happening, and eventually she got to the point where she was like I need to do some research, like who is this that I married, kind of thing. So then she started doing her research, found out that he you know, um, the step kids that he said that he had, you know where. It wasn't really like that story didn't really pan out. He said that one of his he said his stepdaughter had died. He didn't really die.
PJ:When you say really die though, because it's either you are alive or you're dead.
Blair:This did not die. You did not actually die. Sorry, really not the word, actually. Okay, okay, he said that his stepdaughter had died and then, recent, he did her research, come to find out the stepdaughter is alive and well, you know she. She said that you know the divorce. He was divorced. He did tell her that he was divorced. What he didn't tell her is that he was divorced twice. As far as we know, it's at least twice. He was only referring to the one ex wife. Basically, there's just this. It's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot. And all these things she kept uncovering and finding out, and he would have some type of like excuse or lie or something. So this went on and all of this happened over the course of one year, I believe she said, from the time that they met to when she got pregnant, to, you know, when they got married, through when they started divorce proceedings, and then that was like, not the flip book, that was a whole nother you know process. It was like-.
PJ:It's my private detective go ahead. Okay.
Blair:You don't need that. So it was a lot. It was a lot. There was a lot of information, there was a lot of sub stories within the story, but she does such a great job and, like I know people were talking about, oh, she talks so slow, but no, she's really like she took you along in chronological order of like how things like happen, so like things that like, did it make sense, Like in the beginning? It ends up making sense later because of the information that she finds out, you know.
Blair:So she's telling the story to us in chronological order, and the thing that she always kept coming back to was she's telling her story because she wants somebody to be able to benefit from it. She wants to be able to help somebody. She said I was, you know, negligent. What is she? Oh, she went on Good Morning America and she said she wanted to tell her story because she wanted people to be more aware. She said it costs you nothing to verify, but it might cost you everything if you don't verify. Basically, that's what she was saying, and so I thought that that maybe might be a good topic for us to talk about.
Blair:Today was just basically, like, what are you willing to believe, Like how much are you willing to believe? Because the other thing she was saying, you know, she kind of had the rose color goggles on in the beginning because she wanted to be married, she wanted to start a family, and here comes somebody who is essentially promising her those things. Not to mention, it started off with him essentially rescuing her because as they were on their way to their first date, her tire blew out and so she had texted him and was like hey, like basically I'm stranded on the side of the road. My tire blew out. So he was like oh, where are you at? Dropped the pin.
Blair:So she gave him her location. He came to where she was, picked her up, took the car to the auto shop, got a new tire, put the new tire on there. Like he came to her rescue and not for nothing, like as a woman, like it's nice to be rescued sometimes. So you already are like in it, you know, and then from there on everything happened, that happened. But I guess my question is is just at what point do you feel like you take off the rose color goggles and start to try to really face reality? Not you shaking your head, you gotta promise it's a lie.
Chris:No, I mean, I'm processing it all, I'm just. I wish you guys could see.
Blair:I didn't even give you, though. I gave you like a sprinkle.
Chris:And so and so. So that's all right. I enjoy spark notes.
PJ:Cause. First of all, I want you to. I appreciate you giving us the cliff notes for this, because I know, I've been told that she's a great storyteller and she leaves, she does cliff hangers very well, and but I ain't got time to watch 52 10 minute videos. Speed.
Blair:Put it on two times speed. I'm just going to go through it Sidebar.
PJ:I just realized that you can do that With podcast too, right?
Chris:Yeah, welcome to the present.
PJ:Yeah, I knew that you can do it, but I wasn't really paying attention cause I don't really like sometimes I won't, I don't do that. But I cut you off, chris, cause I was gonna.
Chris:No, I'm not. My face is turnt up.
PJ:Go ahead, say what you gotta say I appreciate you telling the story, cause I don't fully know this. I don't know anything about like, I just know who the fuck did I marry. I know it's about her being hurt in her, you know, doing something so she doesn't want others to go through what she went through and I can relate to it. I didn't hear this story cause I didn't want to be triggered by it, because I too know what it's like to be with a pathological liar and someone who just lies for no reason and you don't really you believe their lies because you, you want to believe their lies. Even once you realize their lies, you still like there's a glimmer of hope that you know no. So what is?
Blair:that, though, like. What is that that makes you? You logically know that this person is lying, but what is it that like? Is it that you're holding out hope that you, just on the off chance you might be wrong?
PJ:or no, I don't know. I don't know because I know that in my situation, this individual created a whole human being. He had no son, no child, but he created a whole human that is not his child and created such, and I was like a pal. That's that all. So what? All from what I understand of what, like people who lie so much, it is a power struggle and it is something to see how far they can get, how naive you are or how much, how much you are willing to follow whatever it is that they're saying.
Blair:That's kind of what she said. Like she felt like he was getting some sort of pleasure from like with the car and with the house and like these things.
PJ:Like she said that she felt like he was getting something out of like kind of dangling something in front of her and it is a dangle and I can only speak for my situation and I won't speak too much more on it because I don't really talk about that anymore that in this great death, because it's been so long, I'm over the emotion. I don't want to sing like I'm still like harboring on stuff that happened over a decade ago, but it is still the last situation and the last relationship and it's made me. It has helped with the willingness to trust someone again, Not that I have trust issues, but I have trust issues, but I don't have trust issues Like I trust you but you're still capable of putting someone through what you're doing.
Blair:That's a terrifying yeah. I think that's the thing. I think people get offended when you don't trust them outright. But that's the thing. Like maybe you haven't given me any reason not to trust you, but you also haven't given me any reason to trust you. Trust is something that is earned. Like you don't get that just off the bat, off the rip.
Chris:I'm still turning up my face right, because a lot like how you just said, blair, trust is earned, it isn't given. And so shout out to all my people that have trust issues right, because I get it. It's the struggle of knowing if the person is doing the right thing. But I feel like a lot of people just don't do their due diligence with trying to make sure that they're vetting people, and I think that's the issue that I have. Like I know people who they can't maybe like. Their deficiencies, their insecurities, what have you, are too great and because of that it overrides what they should be doing, so they'll hop from one relationship to the next.
Chris:Like a relationship to me and this is my personal view a relationship to me would be if you were dating for a while, you're getting to know each other for a while, you seeing that you're making similar decisions and everything's comfortable, and then you decide to actually make it official and you go into a relationship. But I know people who go, ooh, I really like them, and then it doesn't work out. Ooh, I really like them, and now they're in a relationship with that person. It doesn't work out Like, sit still for a second. And I think that people don't do that.
Chris:So you're telling me this story, blair, you know the abridged version of this story. There you are and I'm like looking at you like you're crazy because, like for me, like your question earlier, like what is that threshold Once you start affecting me negatively? I'm looking at you like you're fucking wild, like you're crazy Because you're not going to sit here and pull me out of my zone, out of my I don't even know if it's a comfort zone, because you want to get out of your comfort zone, especially when you're dealing with new people or a new relationship, but when it becomes so traumatizing, you know how many times are you going to go to the car, to the car dealer, and, ooh, we couldn't get it Cause the money. What is going on? What is happening right now?
Blair:Yeah, how many times can somebody? The word is either like disappoint or let you down, or just basically fail, like fail to some expectation that you had for them. But that also means you have to set realistic expectations.
Chris:But that's part of it, right. Like you want to have a real-ass relationship, then you need to set a realistic I don't know what's happening right now.
Blair:PJ is sleeping up right now.
Chris:I don't know what was happening.
PJ:No, Blair was the same one.
Chris:Oh, okay, I was like you just hold up some lotion. I'm like I don't know what this means. But yeah, no, people don't have realistic expectations and like I don't try and like knock anybody because everybody's different and everybody has a different perspective, but I just think once you do stuff too many times, just that's it. Yeah.
PJ:So that's where I was going to go with that right and because Come on, flip pad of notes. Look at them, they're just all come together. But I wrote it down like when you said everybody has a different experience. What was the last words you said? Do you remember? Because it just disappeared, just that quick Perception.
Chris:Everybody has a different.
PJ:So I want to say how you said it Everybody has a different perception. So when you go through this vetting process and you're vetting through other people, everybody has a different perception of one person. So it's like somebody can tell you oh my God, they're great, they're this and that, whatever Another person can say, no, they're a piece of shit.
Chris:So let me ask.
PJ:And they very well, would be a piece of shit. But that person who do you take from when do you say okay?
Blair:are you a piece of shit? So let me ask you guys this question, then, and let's think about it, because I know there's like a million or one different directions we can take it in, but let's just keep it in the realm of romantic relationships, since that's the whole risotisa thing.
PJ:I don't know you know what this has been so long. Sorry, it's just been eight or four years.
Blair:But what does your vetting process look like? Like, what does that entail? What does that involve? Like what does it look like when you're dating somebody and considering, you know, being in a relationship with them? Because also just tie back to what you said before, Chris it was always so intriguing to me when I would see friends go from relationship to relationship to relationship to relationship to relationship, with no time in between. Like as soon as they break up with somebody, they with the next guy and I'm like wow, but anyway.
Chris:No, but see, all right, just to talk about that piece Once again. I think that is a particular type of insecurity, that's overriding judgment, and so because of that, you kind of push everything else to the side, right, like because you should take a moment to pause so that you can actually figure out and get to know this person. But you're not doing that because you are I don't know, you're scared of being alone, and so you decide that you know you need somebody. So instead of saying let me just wait three months, you go oh no, like they're good and I can really see who they are. Like no, you don't know that motherfucker, you don't know them. And so when you ask about, like what is my vetting process, my vetting process starts at a very, very basic, minimal level. Do you piss me off If you're pissing me off regularly?
PJ:no, it's a fucking no, now find piss you off, because that could be a whole bunch of things.
Blair:I think PJ likes it. It's foreplay to him. Oh, you piss me off, I'm the round two, right round two.
Chris:But see and I think that's funny because it all depends on, I guess, the person as well. But I think pissing me off or like you're stressing me out, is like I guess I don't have a specific term, I guess definition for that Only reason being is because it depends on what it is right, like the thing that pisses me off and I mentioned this before if, like you guys know, we're all busy and you hit me up on a Wednesday and you're like, hey, what are you doing Friday, I'm all like I don't know if I'll be, don't? I don't expect you to get like all like discombobulated because I just don't know, but if it leads to that, then I'm okay with it. Do you do things when we're talking about hygiene, like hygiene and how we view certain things, like you can't have dirty nails with me, like weird stuff like that. So if you're annoying me to the point where I can't deal with it, it's automatically a no.
Blair:That's so funny that that's like the first threshold for you and like the first threshold for me in the vetting process is do I enjoy spending time with you?
Chris:But that's a but to me, all right, all right. So let's talk about this, because this is like semantics, right, and this is why it's hard to get people on the same page, because to me, I look at them very one in the same. If I'm enjoying time with you, you're not stressing me out.
PJ:It's okay. So let me add one word in here, because enjoy is one thing, but do I want to spend time?
Blair:with you, right, do I look forward to spend more time with you.
Chris:I don't enjoy your time. I am not looking for anything, Because like it was a thing.
Blair:you could enjoy spending time with somebody but not care whether or not you see them again. You're like, okay, this is cool, this is great. And if you enjoy spending time with somebody and you look forward to, or you're eager to, or you are in the heat of, spending more time with them, then that's different.
Chris:Forward and eager to is Leo. I think it's you see, and you always bring it back to Leo. Ain't? Nobody mentioned nothing about? No, goddamn Leo, I will.
Blair:I know you will First of all. First of all, I was like who Leo? And then I was like who is Leo, and why is he? Is he a white lighter, why?
PJ:is he? I was like no.
Blair:They didn't prove. Are we charmed up in there?
PJ:But OK, so Chris is more is more eligible to answer this question than I am, and so are I, think so. Well, so are you as well, because I don't date. I haven't dated in a while, and I mean, the last person wasn't did live in the state, so technically it wasn't the same as.
Blair:That's not dated. Didn't live in the state either.
PJ:So, but you guys saw each other. It's a difference. So you had the opportunity to see each other, or you spent more time, or you still had a history prior to. So I don't know. But for me I'm only speaking for PJ what's the original question?
Blair:What's your vetting process?
PJ:My vet. So so for me, my my well, I don't really have a vetting process.
Blair:And we're besides an opportunity to create one for you, but no but listen.
PJ:But my mind is somewhat in the in the vein of what Chris was saying. But it's not about and like, do you annoy me Because I don't want you to. I don't even want to like start you at 100 and just start knocking shit down just because you went up, there you go.
Blair:He smacks his teeth when he, when he eats, but that's also the thing about that's the same thing with like trust, like it's not, it's not an automatic thing that people get you know. So I mean like I feel like when I meet somebody like we're all starting at zero. You know, now you can either put points in your basket or you could take points out of your basket, depending on where we go from here.
PJ:So what I'm going to start doing and what I'm going to do is you know how, when they do fundraisers and they have like the thermometer and they like put little, this is we hit the goal and you just add more, take it away. That's what I'm going to start doing when I, when I go, I'm going to like have a little thermometer. This is the our human barometer.
Blair:This is like a scale instead, though it started at zero and see as a Libra. So negative or it's going to go positive.
Chris:So, so, so funny, I like the thermometer idea actually yeah so we have to wait $10,000, but we only did raise 50.
PJ:It's. It's weird, because If I like you, I'm all in Right.
Blair:But why? Why does that automatically get all of you just because you like them? Well that's hence like what you've seen, but you don't know them. Talk about it.
PJ:Hence I have not dated in 10. It's like you know, mine is the last one.
Blair:That's that I was going to say stop. Because I think that last relationship like it wasn't a relationship.
PJ:Fine, um, she's only do this because she liked them. I don't, I don't. I wish I could, wish I could explain it better in words. All I know is that for so long is I have not had to depend on anyone or want to be around anyone. I want to be around everyone. I want to Do, I need to, has been the deciding factor, like, do I need this, do I do I really need this? And and and I may like it, I may enjoy it, and my good with or without it, and if I'm good with or without it and without it and they're not, I don't think. I don't think these words are coming out right, because I'm sure people listening are like what the fuck is wrong with you? That's why you've been single for all this time.
Chris:Well, what can? Can I maybe like give you a hand? I think I think you give me a little please.
PJ:Oh, aly那个 like, like basketball.
Chris:I didn't hear what you said, so I think what's really interesting about the way that you're trying to describe what are your, I guess, indicators? Yeah vetting process or whatever, and you're saying that you don't have any. I think maybe the problem that a lot of people have, of people have, and maybe this is why the young lady I actually do have some.
PJ:I'm sorry I cut you off, Go ahead.
Chris:OK, but I mean, but the fact that you brought it up before and said that you didn't I think a lot of people don't, and so they often don't know what they're looking for, the things that they should be looking for.
Blair:Right.
Chris:You know, so you know. This is why she probably got caught up in the way that she she did.
Blair:I into further expound on that. One of the things that she was saying, like, for example, like the stuff at the house, when he said that he was going to pay seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars in cash for the house that they were looking at and he was signing paperwork that that indicated as such, like she said, she watched him sign the paperwork and send it off, and so to her, she's just like I, just why would I ever think that somebody would sign their name to something if they didn't really mean it? And I think that that's the other thing that we're kind of leading into here is we.
Blair:Look at people In a way that I mean like we see them through our own perspective, like I mean like I don't have any malicious intention. So they don't have any malicious intention, right, you know, like I don't lie there. So why would I even think to myself that that person could be lying or is a liar? And that's who they are? Because, like we think about like, that's the other thing. Because, like we think about like, that's the old adage. You know you treat other people like the way that you want to be treated. You know, you know how you are. So why would you even, why would it even enter into your mind that somebody, the person that you're dealing with, is not how you are? I mean like, obviously, like I, like I'm saying that in the sense of like you're not expecting Wild and crazy things from them unless you yourself are wild and crazy. So therefore it's not outside of your realm of like belief.
PJ:So there was this thing that you said before, chris, about like your insecurity or writing your judgment. There comes a certain point, and maybe this is and I'm speaking for myself Um, my insecurity lied in the fact of and here's my Libra stepping in. A lot of us don't like to be alone and a lot of us are afraid to be alone because we don't know what we're like when we're alone. I have grown very fond of myself when I'm alone. I've actually started preferring to be alone because it's just, you know, it's peace, protects my peace, and I don't. I also don't have to compromise who I am for the sake of someone else. So that's, that's a big part of it. That's a. I'm not discrediting that, I understand it, um, but realizing before, for to be too used to be with me, be one of those people who would be in relationship after relationship. Hello, when, when, when, when, when.
PJ:When junior first passed away, I immediately jumped into another relationship and I didn't want to grieve at that time. So that was different, but that became a pattern. And so now, since the last, um, long-term relationship, is that better player? Okay, since the last long-term relationship, which was over over six to eight years, um and the dash is just because, legally, we were still together, according to the government, cause I was paying taxes on them. Um, after, after that period, you know, since 2012, I've I've enjoyed being by myself, mostly because I can make my own choices, do what I want, do what I want, do what I want, what I want with my body and who I want to do it with and be in charge of it. And have someone tell me what you can and can do. Lie to me and say what they will and won't do, and disappoint me because of what they did or did not do.
PJ:Um, after they said they would, as I would always be the same person to say I'm only going to be here for as long as I'm not going. I'm not going to force myself to be here, but found myself in patterns where I was forcing myself to be some place that I was obviously being shown, like you know. You say God, send me a sign. And then, as soon as you walk in the door, there's a fight. That was your sign, but you kept it up and you kept pushing through and that's it.
PJ:And finally, now and I think that now, where I'm at a point is, I would love to be in a relationship with someone I would love to. I would, I would, I would adore it, but I'm okay with if it doesn't happen. Um, I just get lonely and that that loneliness used to make me run into like casual situations, a casual encounters from Craigslist. But not do that. But but we, we talked about Craigslist before. That's obviously why I said it, I brought it up, but it would bring me to those points. But now I I, you know, I realized that those are just fleeting moments that can be handled with one or two, um, good strokes with my left or my right and then that's gone. So I don't even need. But here's the truth about it, because I don't ocean, ladies and gentlemen, but I don't need that and how I learned that was through celibacy.
PJ:So and so when you talk about how, what are the vetting processes? My main vetting process is if you really just want me for my body, then you don't want me at all and I still am very much the type that will not say wait. But I'm not in a rush to have sex, I'm not. I want to get to know who you are. I want to listen to you lie and know when you lie. You know and hoping that you don't lie. But I want to pay attention and before I offer up something to you that used to be sacred, but if I keep giving it away, who's sick? Who's who's a sacred? For so did she.
Chris:before you say something, did she say how long she was with this individual?
Blair:About a year.
Chris:About a year. Okay, I was just curious. Okay, yeah, before she married him.
Blair:No the whole, like the whole courtship, baby house hunting, bmws, marriage. Now you see, I'm glad that BMW is the baby.
Chris:I'm glad that you that you asked that PJ because, like that, whole thing a year right. So it's a whole house hunting everything and a baby, a pregnancy, excuse me, a pregnancy.
Blair:So she lost the baby, right, she had a miscarriage. He told his aunt that. He told his aunt that he was pregnant, that she had the baby, and so every time the aunt and he would go and visit his aunt, and every time the aunt would be like oh, please bring the baby, I want to see the baby, I want to meet the baby. He'd always have an excuse as to why he didn't bring the baby with him. Meanwhile there is no baby. It was, it was a lot. It was a lot.
PJ:He's still trying to get it.
Blair:Yeah, there's nothing to make.
Chris:Anything, I'm just kind of like sitting here. I'm just, you know, older and so typical math memes where you just sit in there with a Crazy look on her face with them, with the math numbers going all over the place yes, I Mean I was gonna, I was gonna, I'm not gonna, you know, because his statement was like really fucked up.
PJ:Was what Charlemagne said about it in reference to like Lord Jesus.
Blair:He said, big backs need to stop being so desperate for love Something.
Chris:Big back problem. That's a everybody problem. Everybody have issues.
PJ:Yeah, so I. Just saying big backs in particular he was, he was bringing out so desperate for love They'll believe anything, yeah, which is problematic altogether. Just like, just like.
Blair:Apology, but no all I had to say was Charlemagne been doing a lot of apologizing lately.
PJ:I forgot. I'm sorry, not okay, leonard.
Chris:He can apologize to the ass right off that goddamn show now that's around, I you know.
PJ:I just I Don't know If I could, because you know, here's the thing the last person I really liked Came after the last one, right though the short term, the, the one when it comes to about a year. After a year, there needs to be like, before we really go any further, and this is like one of my things in my head, which is another reason why you know it ended the way. No, well, it ended in general was Progress. Where are we moving to? What do we see happening? Is our it? Does this make sense? Is this making sense? Is it working for you? Is it working for me?
PJ:Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The next person I actually Involved myself with, that I actually kind of liked, but I didn't go any further because you know I've knew him way before, like maybe for like the last six years or so. You know which one I'm talking about. It's Once you, once, once you put your foot in your mouth is not my job or responsibility to take it out for you, and so I love feet.
Blair:I do not.
PJ:Sidebar. Fyi, whenever I watch or look at somebody on Social media and they have like a nice body or they're in a beach, I like I will scroll through your profile first to see if there's a foot picture why Don't do that?
Blair:Hashtag foot no I know, wait, wait, sidebar.
PJ:I think you remember American Horror Story coven.
Blair:I'm familiar with it.
PJ:With Angela Bassett, that's. That's the one where she first came on right.
Chris:I think okay.
PJ:So remember there was a portion of it where they had to pass their tests. So, in order to be calm, the next supreme and one of the tests was they had to go to hell and come back out. So, like Gabrielle Sotabay end up, I'm pretty sure I butchered that Gabrielle. She, her hell, was at a working at a chicken place, madison hers was working at a department store and I think Blair's yours will be working in the shoe department.
Blair:I will bring you shoes all day long.
PJ:I'm touching your feet and a line of people with their shoes.
Blair:You should tell me from over there, whether or not they.
Chris:What if you get like a nail salon and all you?
PJ:you are the resident pedicure person now you know that's your hell, sorry. So back the best, so back. So let me. Let me ask you so, based on her experience, and since you're the one who, like, listened to everything, what it's not the what would you have done? Because all we all can say what we're gonna do, but let's say that you were in those shoes what would have been the first response after the first red flag?
Blair:So this is essentially what I was getting at before was like how much are you willing to believe or let slide or whatever? Um, obviously it's a different situation with them because they were married, you know, like they were married when she started seeing all these things kind of go weird. You know that didn't happen there, as far as I can tell, that didn't happen during, like, the dating process. So it's different when you're married, you know, because this isn't somebody who you're just just gonna Break up with all of a sudden, yes and no, yes and no. But like a marriage carries a different covenant than oh, that's my boyfriend, you know there's. I just feel like it's, it holds more weight. But, pj, you were saying earlier, you were talking, you were going into talking about like what some of your vetting process was and you gave the example of you know, we'll ask God for a sign and then you'll walk in and then the fight happening and that's your sign. But you still steady, you know, over here just trying to explain stuff away, you're still kind of going down that road.
Blair:And that's kind of what I was talking about before was like how much are you willing to kind of like Let, let slide, or like let happen and I kind of answered my own question specifically, like for myself because First you can see when things aren't, you know, right, or when things aren't great, or when things aren't ideal. You can see that, you can experience it. But I don't think that it's until you finally get sick and tired of being sick and tired that you actually make a move to change things. You know what I mean, because that, at least for me, that was my experience and the relationship that I had to end, because I was in that relationship for Quite a long time, not wanting to be in the relationship, but for a multitude of reasons, didn't get out of it until I had reached my wit's end. But like, what is it about that? Like, what is it about Waiting to reach your wit's end before Finalizing things?
Blair:like, why does it have to get to that point and that's not always the case but like for me, for example, like I know why it was for me, but like there were so many other opportunities To Get out of that relationship and I didn't, like I waited until I felt like I had no other Choice. And what is it about us as humans? Why do we do that?
Chris:Because I think, I think, I think, I think we Try to give the benefit of the doubt In all of the scenarios. So I think that we try and play out a lot of the scenarios and I think when we finally say no is when we have exhausted Everything that in our mind. You know, because there's, I also feel, like you know, definition of insanity is doing the same thing and not achieving results. I do feel like there's people who are in those relationships and or situations where they're doing the same thing and it's not working. I'm not talking about those people. I'm talking about people who have, like, really gave it the college, the old college.
Chris:Try, I did this, I went to therapy, I tried something else, I, you know, approached him differently, whatever it is, and I think once that becomes, once you've done that, then I think the veil comes down to show that you really are not happy or you really are losing your mind because you've done it, you've done everything that you could. I just think, unfortunately, some people just take a lot longer Because, like I said before, they they repeat things. Yeah, I think, I think it calls for a lot of people to be able to do that.
PJ:Yeah, I think. I think it also comes from if you can recognize and realize what your character is like, things that are bringing you outside of your character or making you do things that are outside of your norm, if you realize that this, this me stepping this far out, is so far fetched from who I am as an individual and what I'm willing to put up with there. There's going to come a time when it's just like that's it I can't and I can. And you know and again I think we were all three of us are only speaking. We're not really generalizing people. We're speaking for my own, based on my own Experiences, our own experiences. That's the word. Speaking for my own experiences and for me.
PJ:I know that there became a point where I began to act out when I knew I didn't want to be in this relationship anymore. So I started flirting with people, getting their attention, but never going any further than that, just letting that be. At least I know if I stepped out, I can, if I left him, I can get somebody else right, or that was like whatever the child just thought I was thinking of back then. The person would always think that whenever I tell the story of us. I'm never telling me as a villain. I've been a villain before and I appreciate those lessons I've learned when I was a villain, but that villain has an origin story, and that origin story is based in constantly trying to see the light at the end of a tunnel that seems to never end. You keep trying to think that this person is going to change, you know, and then all you end up being is one of Destiny's Children.
PJ:Shout out to Kelly Rowland that is now entered in the chat. You enter being in the song girl. I know you've been, I know he's been hurting and you tied. How does it work, though? And you know, you end up putting yourself through it and not realizing that you had this power this whole entire time, and what lessons did you learn from that? So, like now going forward, I know for me, which is probably why it's so hard for people to get close to me is because I can. I can do without. I don't need it anymore. I need it before I, oh my God, I need it, I need it. I need it now. I don't. You know, I would love it.
Blair:So let me ask my last question, just because I again this is just, I love this conversation, just because it's quenching a lot of curiosity for me say, you have a friend who has who's in a really again, we're just keeping this in the realm of relationship because that's where the whole Reese teased thing sprouted from. But they're in a relationship and they're telling you the relationship isn't working, they don't, they don't think it's going to work. Do you feel like there's you as a spectator, have any thoughts on? This person tells you that you know, this relationship isn't working out. They don't, they don't think that it's going to work. They leave that relationship at that point.
Blair:Or say they really the relationship at that point, versus, they do everything that we were talking about. They do the counseling, they do the, the, the figuring out the different options, they try this, they try that, they try this, they try that. They go through all of the different scenarios and they stay and they try to make it work. They try to make it work, they try to make it work and then they get to their wits and and then they're like nope, I can't do this anymore, I've got nothing left and they go what?
Blair:It seems to me that one of those scenarios holds more weight than the other. Maybe we give that latter person a little more lack of a better word respect, because we saw all of the energy and efforts and they really put their all into it and we know that they had nothing left and they gave it every chance. But why does that person get more quote unquote respect than the person who then the version of themselves that was like you know what. This isn't going to work. I don't want to waste any more of my time. I'm out.
Chris:I don't. So I hate saying it like this, because it always seems like I don't. I don't have a like a definitive answer, but it is a great area, right, that latter person receives that level of respect because they have at least gone through the gauntlet trying.
Blair:And what I worry about with the why is that like a badge of honor, like why do we give?
Chris:them no, no, no, no, no, no no.
Blair:I'm sorry.
Chris:We, I think a lot of people by default give them like more props because they actually did. They actually are trying to do the work where the former situation that you're trying to that you mentioned they don't really get any of that because so many people give up for no reason, like it's not necessarily those reasons are not necessarily founded in something that's always like oh yeah, this is a legitimate excuse, like this person is crazy or this person has issues or this person needs to mature, and I think that's where the problem lies. I've met a lot of people who they'll say stuff like kind of like what PJ he said earlier. I don't like the fact that they, you know, chew with their mouth open, which could be valid you don't like people with dirty nails.
Chris:I don't think means it is absolutely alright, I'll use me but like you know, dirty nails or whatever it is, but like, sometimes I feel like those certain things are very surface level, very superficial, and I think that's why it's defaulted like that is not necessarily wrong. Right because or right I should say it's not necessarily right. Right because if you don't like something, you just don't like something and you should be afforded to just be okay with that.
Blair:That's the thing with this whole recites, a thing like she has captured the hearts of America and social media and tick tock because everybody feels for her, everybody feels sympathy, everybody feels you know. But that's because, like, we heard the whole story, like we saw how long she had to endure what she was enduring and we feel, you know, a sympathetic bond or connection with her. We wouldn't have that if her story was just, yeah, my ex husband was low key, kind of shady. I didn't get a good vibe from him from the beginning so I divorced him.
PJ:So here's the thing, and I'll say this there's a saying that you know you can tell someone that the stove is hot until they got attached to themselves. Like you have to go through this, you have to. There's nothing that's gonna stop you. I can tell that this is gonna be one of those episodes that, when I listen back to it, I'm like damn, I should have said this, because I have all these thoughts that's running through my head. I'm trying to write them down, but as the conversation is changing, it's changing. But I do know that it's not about I don't think it's about giving you talking about giving the person who said you should leave more respect. Is that what you were saying?
Blair:I'm just saying that we tend to have more and that's just. Maybe it's because we're more emotionally involved with the person who stayed longer because of time and tribulation and all that. But if somebody knows from the beginning, hey, this isn't gonna work, versus somebody who stays in it and tries to work through it and does all the things and then gets to the very end of the bottom.
Chris:I just thought of something.
PJ:You have to realize that the reason what is the reason that you're trying to stay? And the reason that you're trying to stay is the reason that you will leave. And the reason why I say this is that if the reason that you're trying to stay is because you don't want to be alone, if the reason that you're trying to stay is that you don't want to get hurt, if the reason that you're trying to stay is that you want to try to believe everything that they're saying, it is the reason that you're going to leave, because here you might need to be alone, you might need to be hurt, you might need it's not every scenario, though.
PJ:It's not in every scenario, speaking about individually, and I still this whole recent thing is beyond me because I can empathize with her, because I've been in that shoe and I've been in the shoes where everyone and their mama I'm sorry everyone and their daddy, their father, say why are you with this person? This is not whatever X, y and Z, but you would still try to push it through and figure it out and make it work, because you wanna not prove people wrong, you wanna not be alone and you wanna say that yeah, I did that until that breaking point hits and for me it's security. For me, I need to make sure that I feel that where I live is secure. I feel like you can lie to me about everything under the sun. Don't lie to me about everything under the sun. I will break your legs, but you had it in the past. I won't break the legs, you won't. I won't break the legs.
Chris:You won't have any legs, I won't break the legs, I won't break them.
PJ:I, me, don't check my bank account, see who I paid to do it. But what I will and here's the thing, here's what I will say is that I think we all have to extend a little grace to some people when it comes down to that, because everyone does have a breaking point and everyone does do. Unless you're the type of person and this is what I wanted to say before, because you said this the first time, chris and my first partner said this same thing to me that I always dig in my head when I'm trying to get to know someone, whether it's platonic or whatever, or if it's a relationship and we're sticking with relationship in this conversation Are you the type of person to stick it out in fight or are you the type of person to run at the first side of trouble? And when you run at the first side of trouble, you cheat yourself out of learning from that, like if you can't effectively communicate what your issues are, but you just say you know what blocked, you know what, delete it. You know I don't need this. Nope, they're liar. You know not this, not whatever, but you don't confront it, you're just gonna keep.
PJ:It's just gonna keep happening because you don't step up, you don't open, you don't admit to yourself that you are flawed yourself because you fell for it. You saw something that wasn't there and it was clearly. I can think back to so many times I would have been like bitch, you, stupid. I say that to myself sometimes when I was watching this and you know how you have those arguments. That'll pop in your head like years later and you was like damn, I was dumb, you know, because really like, and you let that slide because you were blinded by the possibility that this person could love me because I have such a need and a desire to be loved, based on whatever your situation is. So I think it just it all boils down to is to how healed are you as an individual and how much are you expecting them to help you get to that point, if that makes sense. I literally said earlier, I'm not gonna say if that makes sense, and here I go because I don't think it makes sense.
Chris:But so what I'll say is this and I just thought about this as I was thinking about your question from before, blair I actually don't think. I actually don't think people who I don't think that people who stick it out get more props versus the people who say that is not working out early on. What I'm thinking is it's actually the people that are slightly in between, because the conflict is whether or not that person has done their due diligence, like, for example, blair, like if I introduce you to somebody hey, this is my friend Jason, you know.
Blair:I don't use that name. It's my brother's name, Ew.
Chris:Okay, Andre and.
PJ:I don't use that name either. I was like never mind.
Blair:I can not tell anybody what not to use. Fine for me. That's fine. Okay, go ahead.
Chris:But let's just say I introduce you to somebody named Andre. I was like he's a great guy, blah blah, blah, blah and you go no, I'm not feeling it. You going that first date no, I'm not feeling it. I don't think anybody's faulting you for that. You know what I mean, because your due diligence, what you want, is very succinct, it's very straightforward. The people that I find that have issues are the people that go. Well, I don't know if, like you know, the mouth smacking really bothers me, which you don't know. It's really that if you don't really know, then it's probably not that big of a deal. And I think that's where the conflicts arises. I just thought about it, because if you don't like somebody, ain't nobody going to fault you for that.
PJ:Here's the top, here's the better question to add onto that If it bothers you, are you in a safe enough space where you can express that to that person? And if you can't express it, or if you don't feel safe enough to express it to that person that I don't like it when you do this, or I don't like this and that or that annoys me, then are you with someone that you should be with?
Chris:But sometimes it's not even a matter of expression. Sometimes it's. I don't feel it.
PJ:It's the, it's the aggression, it's the.
Blair:I just All that to say. I just thought it was very interesting, like one. That's the reason why this story got to be as popular as it was was because there was so much that happened, because she stayed past all of the red flags and telling us her story and we got an emotional attachment to her. I'm weak An emotional attachment to her. Pj is brushing his non-existent hair just for our no, not the bayang.
Blair:The bayang. He did a little side swoop, a little swoop, adieu. But yes, again, it really does go back to what she was saying was her main motivation for putting her story out there was for people to be able to learn from it, and I think that the thing that I learned from it was to be comfortable with questioning things.
Blair:Don't feel like you have to just go along with the process, especially when the process don't look so streamlined to you, like you're allowed to ask questions along the way. You're allowed to, cause like that was the thing, like she just kind of like went along with like so much and then, like the second time around, like she tried to do things differently. So like with the house, like he was handling all the stuff with the house the first time and then the first time, the second time, whatever. By the third time she was like uh-uh, I'm doing all the house stuff, cause clearly something ain't right. But it's just, everybody has like their different levels of what they're able to take on and endure and pass through. But I think that's the thing that I took away from her story was feeling more comfortable or feeling more assured that you don't have to go along with somebody else's tale, just because that's the story that they're telling you.
Chris:Amen.
PJ:And that's the thing I was saying about safety and I could understand that idea and I could understand what it means to like just go along with somebody just because they said it, because you trust them, air quotations, and because why would you not trust them? Because you wouldn't do this to them. So, therefore, they think the same way you do and do things the same way you do, when in fact, they are a demon, or they just don't do that, you know, and it's I bet you were gonna say when in fact they are a those are the only options, right.
PJ:The only options. But it's okay, I you know, and history is its greatest teacher. I wish, I wish, I wish you know me blowing out my candle. I wish that there was a way for you to really be able to tell, when you immediately meet someone, that this is gonna work, this is it, this is going to be the it. There's no way to tell. You have to go through it and then, once you're through going through it, you have to physically open your mouth and say hey, stop, what do you mean?
PJ:Show me some facts, show me the car facts you know, to back up what it is you're saying, because I can't take your words for just for just for face value, because you've never lied to me before. I don't know what you've done to me before. You possibly could have lied to me, but I didn't question it. So therefore, you told me the truth air quotation, you know. And then, when you realized later down the road that this motherfucker ain't had no child and this motherfucker ain't never lived with no person and this motherfucker ain't so you know so what I was gonna say real quick that I just remembered this is also.
Chris:I don't know how people feel about this, because I know as we get older, we feel like we could do better all by ourselves kind of thing. We could do better all by ourselves. But this is why it's so important to have your circle of people and family and friends right, because something that my mother always says all the time she one of the things that she was mentioning was that people, when they're being manipulative, that One of the things that they try and do is try and isolate people so that way they don't have the outside help and understanding of other people in that perspective to show that people are doing them wrong. So maybe if she was a little bit I mean, I don't know her situation but for other people, even if they're a little bit more in touch with their friends, your friends are also a resource. If they're truly your friends I'm talking about your rider dies, your ABCs they will let you know.
Chris:I don't think this person is right for you because while you're sitting there swooning over them and thinking that they're dope, they did this when you went inside and left the table, or they do this or say this, and they're on the phone and they do. You know what I mean. They see stuff, because those manipulative people let their guard down and so they're not there. They're not there, 100% lying selves, and they can help you, help, guide you, and that's why it's so important to have those people that I guess are around you and you trust, because I'm going to tell you something right now. If it's not my circle or it's not my family, or if they, or if my circle or my family tells me something, you are out of the game. You are out, you're gone. There's no if, ands or buts.
PJ:I think if it's like a multiple of people are saying the same thing, then it's something that's just also a little bit different. Everybody's not saying bye, so wait, no, no, no we're right.
Chris:Right, but typically and I'm not just talking about one person right.
Blair:No, you have trusted people.
PJ:Correct.
Blair:That are telling you something. There's something to that, correct.
PJ:And so I and you know I want to. I want to say this because, god forbid, anyone doesn't get over their past and what they do is bring their their past into their future. It's so funny that this is the acronym for it, because I look at friends as ADPs, right, when it comes to relationships, right? So your friends are your assistant Dean of Pledge's. They are there.
Chris:They're there to tell people that what that means. They say they're like ADP, the security system. Like what?
PJ:So they're your ADPs, right? You are your Dean of Pledge's. Your relationship is your pledge. Your ADPs are the ones who they're to assist you, like with seeing things. Obviously, that you know if they're really there for you and they love you. They're there for you.
PJ:I say it's interesting because my ADPs are Alma, des and Prissy that's their initials as well. It's just so funny, and I went through this with them and I remember you talk about isolation that one tried their best and almost one with isolating me completely, to the point where I responded to one of my friends saying you're out of bounds, I no longer can speak to you, when, in fact, if you look back at the story or what actually happened, you'd be like they should never speak to me again. Thank God, we're still friends 25 years later. I mean not 25 years later, but we're still friends for 25 plus years. I think that, when it comes down to it, are you able to make your decision, stand firm in your decision? And if you can't make a decision stand firm in your decision, do you have, like you said, people in your corner that you can trust, and trust those people to actually look out for what's best for you, not because they're jealous, not because they're going through what they're going through and they're, you know, whatever they enjoy seeing you go through it, or whatever the other people feel that they are. Their friends are not there to support them, then those aren't your friends. But I wish I could tell anybody who is like learning how to go through a better vetting process.
PJ:Now is when I say I don't have one is because no one is approaching me, and no one is approaching me because I'm not leaving my house, so it's safer here. And then when I go outside, then I act like I've never been anywhere before and then I'm like too much and I'm bouncing off the walls and y'all both were telling me, pj, calm down. So but you know, shut up PJ. I know right, because I just I also. I also like I struggle with this part of conversation based on where I am now with it, like I don't, you know, heartbreak, and since I'm not getting my heart broken anymore, I do. This is where I was going to say before I did like someone. I really did like them and I've known them for a while, but they lied to me and I realized when they did it and how it affected me. It's not a safe space for people to be in. Once you lied to me because your legs are going to get broken.
Chris:And I don't know by me.
PJ:I'll admit that I've never wanted to be. I've always said I'm, you know, I'm not afraid to lose my freedom.
Blair:Okay, on that note I say yes, on that note. I'm gonna need that to not be the truth.
PJ:That's not the truth. No no no, no, no, I'm afraid to lose it, but here's the thing. I just hope that Risa Tisa number one I hope that she is has. This will be the one time that I'll approve. She needs to have a little round table conversation with Tyler Perry because he can make some great content with with what she has, what she's been through, because it basically sounds like the rest of me and culpa Facts.
PJ:It is Well not me and culpa, but like every other family they praise whatever other, the daddy's girls, whatever other movie that he's made. It sounds like something he would be really interested in and I would be. I think that the world would be like okay, where one does got to play Risa Tisa.
Blair:No, no, out the the movie. And who's gonna play who?
PJ:Oh, and then her ex husband, uh.
Blair:Legion what's the name? Again, there's a whole nother plot line with Legion, though, because he's apparently got non social media and is disputing everything that she says, and he said that. Mind you, she put the video out like two weeks ago, on Sunday, or something like that. Is she still banned?
PJ:She was banned because she started to re upload the videos that she's already upload, and tick talk has a banable offense against that.
Blair:Like you, can't use banned, or I guess. I guess not, because as far as I know she's still on tick tock.
PJ:Well, not banned suspended. Not banned Suspended.
Blair:I don't know, but this is on tick tock telling his side of the story and doing interviews, and just you could, you could just look at it, you could. He's lying. I'm just like my God. He was talking about he's in negotiations with Netflix to tell his side of the story and he's been in negotiations with them for 16 days. Mind you reset. He's video had just come out, maybe like seven days ago, and he's talking about we've been in negotiations for 16 days. This story hadn't even come out yet and then when everybody called him out on it, he put up this fake ass Photoshopped picture of him with at Netflix headquarters. You could just look at the picture and tell that it was like completely Photoshopped. It's holy.
PJ:I've been just asked to what he's been. He's been this person two weeks. Ah, now we see it. Hold on, I'm sending that to you guys, so I put it in the car.
Blair:The moral of the story here is exactly exactly what Risa and Tisa said, and that's what I started off this episode with. So now we're full circle. It costs you nothing to verify, but it might cost you everything if you don't verify.
Chris:So lesson.
PJ:That, that's, and that's it, folks on that note, guys, thank you for taking time to listen to another episode of highly mother fucking melanated Say space where it is OK to trust but verify.
Chris:Measure twice that once.
Blair:Big facts Okay.
PJ:As always, you know where to follow us, you know where to find us, you know where to contact us. All the good stuff, tick, tock, um. Oh my God, I was supposed to be setting up my phone live while we were on this to do it, and then I realized, blair, you're in a bonnet and I know that you would not approve of the.
Blair:Ask me, I would have been all right with it.
PJ:I didn't want to. I didn't want to put you out here for the listeners Now you know she's looking at face.
Chris:She was like what the fuck she's?
PJ:like you know, it's ever since you know, because I don't, I don't want to represent times I'm OK with this, other times I'm not.
Blair:I'm not. I appreciate that.
PJ:Yeah so, but I was like damn, I was supposed to log into the highly melanated tick tock and go live with us. We're doing it, but you know you can find us there Highly melanated podcast or tick tock and Instagram.
Blair:You can also email us highly melanated podcast at gmailcom.
Chris:And simply go Some nonchalant about everything you know. It's Twitter, now formerly known as X H underscore melanated pod. Motherfuckers, motherfuckers, motherfuckers, motherfuckers, oh yeah.
Blair:Oh, yeah, and.
PJ:Samuel L Jackson should play her daddy Lord.
Blair:Oh no.
Chris:That would be nonsense. I was like he walks in. Look here, motherfucker, my God, help us OK.
PJ:On that note, guys peace, love and trust and believe yourself. That's it. Trust and believe how you first feel. That's it what Kisha Cole said, Another Libra trust and believe, no.
Blair:Is that what she said?
PJ:That's what she said.
Chris:Oh, the faces that we have.
PJ:We were like right I was. When you know what the master says, you have that Football on.