Highly Melanated Podcast
Hosted by PJ, Blair & Red A safe space for you to enjoy every bit of your melanin no matter how "melanated" you are in skin tone, we are ALL Highly Melanated.Come enjoy funny and dynamic conversations that people of color face on a day to day basis with various topics such as loving ourselves, knowing who we are as a people and uplifting each other with a mix of class and rachetness (CLATCHETNESS)
Highly Melanated Podcast
Do You Want It All: Recognize, Regulate & Refrain w/ Lakiah
They say laughter is the best medicine, and who better to prescribe a dose than our special guest, Lakiah - a psychotherapist who is helping you stress less and set healthy boundaries without the struggle & guilt. With 7 plus years of experience as a psychotherapist, Be ready to learn how to ditch the burnout and conquer the elusive art of setting boundaries. Lakiah's Blog Selfcare Blogic is your sanctuary for real-talk tips, proven self-care strategies, and empowering vibes—with a sprinkle of humor. She's here to make sure you learn how to prioritize yourself first!
With 20K and growing on Instagram & TikTok bring her methods and lessons into your routine and watch as amazing things are about to happen!
Be sure to follow her and support her Melanated Mental Health Blog
Check out her Self-Care Starter Kit
Beginner’s guide to stressing less, regulating your nervous system, and controlling your emotions
Check out her E-Book, Abundant Mental Health
This e-book will teach you 5 ways to set healthy boundaries & strengthen your mindset to experience abundance in multiple areas of your life.
ALSO
If you need a quick reference guide to reducing your stress that includes a self-care planner and tracker, get your FREE DOWNLOAD in the form of a Stress Less Checklist!
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Ready. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. Okay, I'm just being silly. I just want you to know that he's showing out just for you.
Speaker 2:It's a new year, it is.
Speaker 1:I am showing out just for you, because you know you're, you're our guest.
Speaker 3:Well, thank you. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1:All right, thank you, blair, hold on, this is my agent.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry, hold on.
Speaker 3:Oh my gosh, y'all are so fancy, she's so fancy.
Speaker 1:Look, she puts us a beauty. She puts Catherine, hello, right, it's always the facial expressions that she's like right, right, right, like uh-uh. You better go higher than that.
Speaker 4:We're really not fancy.
Speaker 1:We're really fancy to me.
Speaker 3:Like you all have, like I love the color background you got and I don't know if those are like just individual lights or what, like it's all. And then, do you mind if I call you Christopher? Do you mind something or do you, are you called something else? Yeah, you can call me Christopher, I'm just like. I'm just like are you called something else?
Speaker 4:Yeah, you can call me Chris. I'm red on the show, okay. And we've been calling him Chris ever since, like this I was like to say I was like I've evolved from red to Chris.
Speaker 3:But I mean, you got the really professional microphones and everything. So y'all are fancy to me.
Speaker 4:Well, thank you, we do appreciate it.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry, my apologies, that's okay. That's okay.
Speaker 1:This is what the fuck that I like.
Speaker 2:And you see, it's 745 at night and this is still working. And this, this is what this is why she's my agent. This is precisely why, because she be getting to the money and I'm here for it. Getting to the money he was like hey, I'm putting together a package for a client and just wanted to ask a couple of questions. Do you have updated? I have, I have whatever you need. What do you need? I've updated everything. What do you need?
Speaker 4:What do you need? I need an agent like that. I'm trying to switch management. I need something like that. I'm sorry, we were about to start the show. Let's.
Speaker 3:And I was like ready and everything you were.
Speaker 1:And I threw it all off. My apologies.
Speaker 2:At least she called right before we started and not in the middle, which she has done before.
Speaker 1:And we've watched.
Speaker 4:We've watched Blair go like this Don't play her Right and the freaking be rolling her eyes and upset there's a couple of times, really, yes, not, I mean not, not not terrible, but definitely like that's a stupid deal, unacceptable, come back, I promise you.
Speaker 2:I've never thought that.
Speaker 4:Unacceptable Anyway.
Speaker 2:I said only blue M&Ms.
Speaker 1:First of all, they have the yellow and blue M&Ms. Thank you.
Speaker 2:Thank you, thank you, thank you Before we get started. Where are you from, by the way? I'm originally from New Jersey, but I live in West Virginia right now.
Speaker 3:I was a kid, we moved here. So, it's not like a personal choice. We're part of Jersey, east Orange Come on. South Mun, come on.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, no, you did not say the street I grew up. Every black person who lives in East Orange boo from South Mun.
Speaker 3:So I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that, especially myself.
Speaker 2:I grew up in East Orange, but I moved from South Mun somewhere.
Speaker 1:I used to live on South Harrison. She's like oh my God, are you stalking me? No, no, girls, don't worry, you are very safe here. So, all right. So, um, all right, we're going to get started. Let's do it.
Speaker 2:I don't know what it is, but I just love being black DJ here. What up dough? It's your girl, blair. You know today and it's show enough, gonna be popping tomorrow.
Speaker 4:It's your boy, red, and you're listening to the Highly Melanated podcast.
Speaker 1:Hey guys, hey guys, hey guys. Welcome back to another episode of Highly Melanated podcast, the safe space where it's okay to start out on the wrong key.
Speaker 4:Wow, must you like fire shot in the first sentence.
Speaker 1:It really wasn't originally what I was gonna say, but it just came back.
Speaker 2:You know what this is? Just like black folks to on on the blackest month of the year. We were supposed to be coming together I was about to say coming together in harmony and I realized what I'm saying you just see me. I was like saying saying we're supposed to be coming together as a collective and building each other up. You decide to do the opposite, Anyway collectively.
Speaker 1:the entire nation was looking at that TV like Anyway, PJ is in his drop top at seven o'clock on the dot.
Speaker 4:Red is sitting here. You making me wanna after this past weekend.
Speaker 2:Blair is definitely calling us h? E r a y m o n? D, so I can tell him what I want to do to him.
Speaker 1:Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, I realized. What you can't see is that she literally signed it.
Speaker 2:Let me tell you about that Thank you. Thank you yeah my left hand. Because here's the thing, and this is why usher and I will forever have a cosmic connection with each other that song.
Speaker 4:Interesting.
Speaker 2:That song came out. I'm sorry, the video, the music video for that song, came out either sometime around when I was taking sign language lessons. I was a young girl, I was a girl of about 12 or 13. And I was taking sign language lessons and this nigga signed his name in the music video and I said, oh my God, he said us h e r r a y m o n? D and I knew exactly what he was signing, even though he was saying it as he was signing it. But I recognize sign language and I was like, oh my God, we're meant to be so.
Speaker 1:She walks around just.
Speaker 4:Origin stories.
Speaker 1:And ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, we are joined. We have a very, very special guest, the first guest of 2024. La Kaia, who?
Speaker 3:you be girl? Yes, and La Kaia if I'm, if I'm doing this the right way, la Kaia is just gonna sit here and say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4:I know you better just go right into it.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:So hello, everybody who's listening. My name is La Kaia, I am a psychotherapist, I am a black woman and I am introverted, actually, and I read smut for fun.
Speaker 4:I'm already loving it already. You are a family.
Speaker 2:Well, when you say smut, like, what, like what level of smut are we talking? Are we talking EL Jane's 50 shades, or are we talking Zane?
Speaker 3:Did I read the 50 shades? I don't know. I read a whole. It's on a spectrum, but I got started with Zane when I probably was too young.
Speaker 2:But didn't we?
Speaker 3:all like passing around the books in high school like it's, you know, it's just that's just how I went, so that's that's how I started.
Speaker 1:You know, while we're on the conversation, while we're on the conversation of smut, I want to give a special shout out to a good friend of mine who is also someone that you have seen side by side Well, not side by side, but you saw them probably in the same set together, or seen together, but they weren't here Because, as we all know, our illustrious Blair works on the set of Harlem. And I want to give a shout out to Aisha Lorax, who is what? Who played the, the lesbian couple. Why am I doing air quotations? Please let me in. Couple, when, when she went to, when Jerry Johnson, when her character went to go stay.
Speaker 1:She's doing her fieldwork her fieldwork and the reason why I'm giving her a shout out, because she has a podcast called Smut Girls where they were, her and her friend, go through smut novels and just like break them down together, so you might want to check that out. She's pretty.
Speaker 3:I think I will.
Speaker 1:Yeah, smut girls.
Speaker 4:Oh, the smuddies of them all.
Speaker 1:So guys, so how are you guys?
Speaker 3:I'm doing good, I'm doing really good.
Speaker 2:You know, it's another day, it's another opportunity. The sun is shining today, although it's supposed to get very snowy tomorrow.
Speaker 4:Listen first. I think that's what I'm upset about.
Speaker 2:People started texting me talking about you know it's gonna be 10 inches. I was like. I looked outside. I was like snap.
Speaker 4:Oh, you know what's messed up about it? Because we just had like a, like a warm spell.
Speaker 1:Yeah, which is what's crazy, Right Like it was it was like 70 hours.
Speaker 4:That's really really high, but I think it was like 59.
Speaker 2:Okay, fair, fair Okay.
Speaker 4:But I was outside with just a thin ass jacket. I was like, oh okay, a brother could get used to this. And here we are.
Speaker 2:Well, don't do it, here we are.
Speaker 1:Please, because this, okay, I'm not ready for anymore. You know, snow in New York is just like.
Speaker 4:I hope that you've got. Do you have to do? You have to go out tomorrow?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I have to work, yeah, I have to work. I have to work at funeral, yeah, so right early in the morning.
Speaker 4:Join the club. I'll be there to.
Speaker 3:We have to work a funeral. I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:I do work part timer per DM for different funeral homes funeral homes here in New York City. I drive the hearse as well as in the most for the family cars so and I also have a whole story time that's dedicated on tiktok. Follow me at IMPJ Ryan. You'll see a little bits of those here and there on my Instagram. While we're plugging, you make sure you all follow acting regent Also. Make sure you follow JBT dub also follow self care logic.
Speaker 3:It's just a play on words also self care, and then I have a blog, so that's why it's blog. But I was like, okay, there's blog and logic, let me see how I can put this together. That's.
Speaker 4:That's how to make it. I like it.
Speaker 2:I like it a lot and you did and you put it together Excellent work.
Speaker 3:But that's interesting, pj I. That's why I wanted to interrupt for a second. Like you are with people, like your job is to be with people in their saddest moments.
Speaker 1:Let me tell you it is to be with them in their saddest moments, yes. However, they don't always make it the saddest moment when you are behind the scenes and it's sad. Follow guys. I have stories. But, Blair, how was your week?
Speaker 2:I mean, it's still just getting started.
Speaker 1:I mean, people won't know that it's come, this comes out here we're still early in.
Speaker 2:It's been a productive week so far. This past Sunday was Super Bowl Sunday and you know me, you know I was very much looking forward to it because it's football and I love football. But the game itself was very uninteresting.
Speaker 2:And dragged out the third quarter like it didn't start getting interesting until then, and to that point I spent the first first two quarters of the game doing my taxes. That's how unengaged I was during the game. But I will say that the first points of the game were scored by University of Michigan alumni, just putting that out there.
Speaker 1:All hail to the victors valiant. Go ahead and continue.
Speaker 2:Thank you, yes, indeed, and that's how my week is going.
Speaker 1:My week has been going pretty good so far. I started the process to get my passport renewed, so I feel like a full adult now. I did that today. I actually got to see Blair at the last bit of the game and I have in my possession my light skin T'Challa, so I'm excited. But other than that, the week has been good so far. No big things, just here and ready for whatever this week is going to give.
Speaker 2:Some people want it all. Why would you double down? You already did it once.
Speaker 4:At this point, I think you're personally attacking her.
Speaker 1:Mind you, when I walked in the door and I said Alexa, I said hey, siri play music. She played Alicia Keys.
Speaker 4:Siri knows.
Speaker 2:Siri's a messy bitch. Hey, she knows.
Speaker 4:Siri just stirring that pot. Siri is messy.
Speaker 1:What about you, Lekaiya? How was your week?
Speaker 2:I think I was the best I was doing that because she was listening to everything.
Speaker 4:She started spelling it out.
Speaker 1:Yes, what about you, lekaiya? How was your week?
Speaker 3:It started okay. It wasn't the best. I woke up a little late at it, but I was like, ah, we're not doing this today, so I just kept pushing, went through, I gave myself the time that I needed. I laid down a little bit longer, but it was productive afterwards. So, yeah, okay.
Speaker 1:Come on for a nap. Come on for a day nap Listen.
Speaker 3:I'm just all about. I'm just all about, for for me, 2024 has been this year of doing the things that bring me pleasure, so that's, that's what my, my whole, I guess, focus is, and it's a part of getting my needs met, like it's not like kind of pushing myself when I, you know, really need to sit my butt down, because I've done that before and I was like, ah, we're not doing this today, so it's like back down, and then the rest of the day went okay.
Speaker 4:You are preaching to the choir right now. That was me this morning, though you know I normally get a fight. Get up and go to the gym. I was just like I'm just going to lay down. I was like I don't, I'm not feeling it, so I just sat there and just chill out. My week is going pretty good, though, you know. Besides, you know, just taking it easy, yeah, I, I, I'm just. I think my main thing is just I'm not looking forward to the snow and I'm not looking. You know what I'm not looking forward to. Question of the week. This is how we're going to start this Question of the week. Question of the week your questions as they pertain to you prospectively and introspectively. Why are there so many damn haters?
Speaker 2:So many damn what Haters.
Speaker 4:Do you know why? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, and I want to, I want to. I want to tell you why. I'm asking that. Because there were so many people and I think we kind of touched on this like maybe a couple of weeks ago, with just people and like them, not like liking stuff and like being like super critical. I'm like reading through different blogs, facebook, instagram, and there was a bunch of people that did not like the usher concert.
Speaker 4:The usher, the usher or the I say it like that because you know I enjoyed it. But the Super Bowl performance what? How did y'all feel about the Super Bowl performance?
Speaker 2:I loved it. I thought he was amazing.
Speaker 1:So, as I said this, here's the reason why there are so many haters, because some people included. No, no, no, okay, fun fact.
Speaker 2:What y'all not going to do is continue to play Alicia.
Speaker 1:Because you know why?
Speaker 2:Because it doesn't exist anymore, because fun fact, because guess what she's singing at the Super Bowl, and we are not.
Speaker 1:But no, listen, listen, fun fact If you go watch it now, it doesn't exist, it's cleaned up.
Speaker 2:If you look at it on YouTube, you got to like when you got money, you can rewrite the.
Speaker 1:Super Bowl.
Speaker 3:I think it's just like Beyonce, when she I think when she first did the Super Bowl like she had she paid to get some pictures like removed from the Internet. I think you know, people still get it, but still like it'll still be money you can rewrite.
Speaker 1:Look, you are now officially my favorite, because it was you who brought Beyonce here, not me.
Speaker 2:Let me just let me just point out the fact that they did come over to my house yesterday. He had on his Beyonce merch and made a whole show of taking it off and showing it off and whatnot.
Speaker 3:Point that out, but I enjoyed the half time yesterday, but I am a longtime Beehive member, I can't lie.
Speaker 2:So what were people saying that they did not like about the performance?
Speaker 4:So people were saying a bunch of different things. They were saying stuff, like you know, he just really didn't perform the way that I thought he would and it was what. Which is funny. I think they're looking at him to perform the way that he did when he was younger. This man is now 45 years old and my question to that same gentleman is like well, what are you doing? You know, why don't you get up there and go dance for 15 minutes, while singing in relatively cool, cooler weather?
Speaker 2:I'm still just confused as to what it was that these people are expecting, that they didn't get. This nigga is saying a hundred songs.
Speaker 3:Wow, roller skating.
Speaker 2:He did a less than somebody timed it too. He did a less than 50 second outfit change and put on roller skates. Can you do that in under?
Speaker 4:a minute, but that's not even a question to ask them, and we talk about this all the time. People that don't be having no talent at all be all like why he didn't do backflips with you know what?
Speaker 2:Please immediately. I really would like to see what it is that people are upset about, because I don't understand. What were you expecting that you did not get? Did he give us vocals? Yes. Did he give us visions? Yes. Did he give us other talent? Yes. Like what did he?
Speaker 3:not do I think the young is looking for Justin, the Oompa Loompa himself.
Speaker 1:Jd shout out to Little Jod Wait wait, wait question what was JD wearing?
Speaker 4:Because that threw me up.
Speaker 2:I'm all, like you know, getting into it Like I said I was like why is your main Dupree and these extra long tuxedo shorts? I didn't even see the socks until later.
Speaker 4:No, the socks was crazy. That made me think like a doll outfit, like he just straight up stole that off of a porcelain doll.
Speaker 1:On behalf of the Libra delegation. We try our best to make everybody happy, and there comes a point in your time, in your life, as Beyonce said, once you turn 40, you start giving a fuck and you do what you've been wanting to do your whole life. And I saw something that he said when he was interviewed by Gail how he's never been on the Grammy stage to actually give his thank yous to everyone, because every Grammy he's ever won has never been televised. I think that people are ungrateful, people are dumb and people need to sit down because they've done this for everybody.
Speaker 1:This is when Rihanna, with her pregnant ass going all the way up three million feet in the air you know they. If it's not, if it's not, I don't know up to whatever these imaginary standards that people have, and don't forget that these are humans, they're actually. This is like the biggest stage and I'm here for it. Now, I will admit it will be me, because I originally watched it with my uncle, my aunt and my aunt's mother, who was hilarious, by the way. This 80, almost 90 year old woman was just like. I just want to see him take his shirt off and put on them.
Speaker 2:And did, and did, and he did Everybody what they wanted.
Speaker 1:I don't know if he gave everybody what he wanted, because my uncle was yo, what's up with all this red man, what's up with all this blue, why he got to take his shirt off. I mean, like my uncle is part of the Libra delegation, but it's just like. Here's the thing, Like I think that us should do an amazing job and shout out to they call me US HER.
Speaker 4:I know that's right. You better mess up that sign language, because I don't know what the hell that was.
Speaker 2:They're throwing up gang signs and they go come at you, do it right, do it right.
Speaker 1:What about you? Look how'd you feel about it.
Speaker 3:I enjoyed it. I'm just that person that if somebody can do something that I can't like and if they've been doing it for a really long time, well, like I just sit back like because, like you said, like listen, everything is doesn't have to be perfect, but I think a lot of people just are very unhappy in them.
Speaker 4:So not every man. Yes, you was right. The first time we go with the first answer.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean a lot of people aren't happy with their lives and it's like there's nothing much going on. So I mean, and like some somebody has said, like they do this every year, every single year, like I don't know what they expected Rihanna to do last year, like she was pregnant. What else did you want with?
Speaker 4:us he had so many. How could we not see your?
Speaker 3:birth yeah.
Speaker 4:I didn't see a birth I just
Speaker 3:came to ask the birth and I was like I don't know what to say about Rihanna's performance, but it was the most watched Super Bowl halftime.
Speaker 2:It was.
Speaker 3:And this man had a whole performance. So like when he came out with the role of Blaze, they did a whole choreography. They wasn't just like skating around like they did, they were dancing a role of Blaze.
Speaker 2:Like I can't do that.
Speaker 1:I was like Vegas residency and dropped it in the middle of the stadium and just so what I was saying was you know, I didn't get to enjoy it the way I wanted to because people were talking and I was just like. You know, we all like be. If you're not going to be like, yeah, I don't want to hear you comment, I don't want to hear your commentary, but I sort of did watch it seven times when I got home and it gave me everything that I needed. Could have given me a little bit more maybe, but what, what, like what?
Speaker 2:What would you want? What were?
Speaker 1:you wanting? I don't know, I don't. I'm not saying this like he didn't do his job. I'm not saying it. I know I'm putting my foot in my mouth. My toes taste great, but I'm just. What I mean by it is. When I say could he give me a little bit more. No, actually he couldn't know.
Speaker 2:I feel like this is exactly what I need people to do before they get online with their X fingers or their Twitter fingers or whatever they're going to call it Think the thought through all the way, just think it all the way.
Speaker 1:Amen, I mean, what was he? That's all. What do I want him to do? Fly in like, like everybody. So what it is? Because they've got so used to people being up in the air, they think everybody needs to be in the air. You know where are people in the air?
Speaker 4:I don't even know I don't even know if it was specifically that I think there's a culture that's out there of people who are very much so like oh, he could have did or she could have did so much better, and you're just sitting there like I mean, the only thing that we can talk about is some people, you know, and that's it, that's the that's it and the oompa loompa that was with him.
Speaker 3:She looks amazing by the way.
Speaker 2:Look at that amazing.
Speaker 1:She looks amazing with her natural body. Yeah, that's all, ladies.
Speaker 2:And then Luda and fucking little John. Yes to all of it.
Speaker 1:First of all, when did little John get on my see there?
Speaker 2:I know John's been in the gym pumping a little weights. Okay, little John with little weights, that's the work of some 10 to some 15s, honey, okay.
Speaker 4:And to this count your motherfucking days.
Speaker 1:And, if I'm not mistaken, that was her right. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:I saw a TikTok earlier today that somebody was watching it and they thought that her was Northwest. Oh no, I was like what.
Speaker 1:That's because no one really knows what her looks like, because she spent whole time, because she looks so young in the face that we talked about before that she.
Speaker 4:And doesn't she? Doesn't she always wear glasses?
Speaker 1:Yes, she does, it was funny.
Speaker 4:Well, it was funny because when she came out on stage I was over. I was over Greg's place. I forget who said it, but there was like, oh, there's her. And never was like who who's her? And it was a whole back and forth who's her?
Speaker 1:That's what I went through with my uncle. That's all. That's her. My uncle was like who Her?
Speaker 2:Who? That's her? You know her. She's playing that damn guitar.
Speaker 3:Yes, honey, but I'm not 74 year old grandmother knows who her is like that she doesn't know somebody. She knows who my name is. She does.
Speaker 2:She says something like for anybody like anybody in the industry, like if my grandmother knows who you are by name.
Speaker 3:The like in my face like Something.
Speaker 2:you do something because you don't know who, anybody got the time of our lives.
Speaker 1:We were all out there pop locking it in our heads if we couldn't do it physically Moving right along. Today we have once again a special guest. We have LaKay here and I'm really really happy that you're here. I'm just happy number one that we have when we bring guests on to Highly Melanated, and I love our format of how we set things up, because for you to be introverted, you seem pretty damn comfortable and that's what we like here. We really want you to really feel like you're welcome at the Highly Melanated manner. Kick your feet up, you know, don't take all the macaroni and cheese, but there's enough for everybody.
Speaker 3:Well, that's exactly how I feel. So y'all, mission accomplished. I am so happy to be here. Thank you all for thank you, pj, for reaching out to me and not being a scammer, but you know, is that?
Speaker 1:happening I started to think that that's what people think.
Speaker 3:No, it happens more than you think. Like people are just like reaching out to you on some basis, you know, trying to ask you something, and then it's just like they're trying to give you their services or something Like let me help you grow your account, or something.
Speaker 1:I don't want to be the ambassador of your store.
Speaker 2:I'm so tired of all these eons. Let me help you grow your account.
Speaker 4:Say it again, say it again.
Speaker 2:Please leave me alone.
Speaker 1:Okay, so, as many of you guys know that our podcast, one of the foundational pieces for our podcast, is about mental health and wellness and about this is a new year. This is our what? Third episode of the new year, or is it the second episode, third episode of the new year, third, third, and because we take look how we take January off for as a self-care for us.
Speaker 3:For reparations, okay, and so we need to reset ourselves.
Speaker 1:Everybody's trying to hit the ground running January 1st and, you know, sometimes it's okay to just take a step back. And what drew me to you was, like this is the part about social media. I do adore that it does bring people or bring certain content to you that you may need to see or hear in the moment. And it was in reference to like the positivity, because I am a positivity warrior, but sometimes that positivity stuff doesn't positive, positive, positive, positive, Pop pop pop.
Speaker 4:Come on titties.
Speaker 1:We're gonna add that to the book the sometimes the positiveness, sometimes it just being happy and happy and shit, thank you.
Speaker 1:So I really enjoyed and as I, as I scrolled through the rest of your page and saw that number one, you, black power, hey sister, okay, you're a gorgeous sister and you are here and you're you're, you speak so eloquent and you're so well spoken, and no, but not that, but like it was, it was just something about the messes that you were providing. I think it's a message that we don't speak a lot about mental health, but we don't really speak about these certain portions that you really focus on so I really wanted to like get your input and then Add you to the family.
Speaker 3:Oh, I'm honored. I'm honored by that.
Speaker 1:Doing what you are doing. That's what I'll say.
Speaker 3:Thank you, thank you. Well, yeah, I'll just you know, we'll just go the way that you. I'll just follow your all's lead.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, let's start off with just letting our audience get to know a little bit about you and how you even found yourself In this profession. So what was it that kind of was the catalyst for you to Kind of pursue this as more of a as a profession, and like, what is it that motivates you to keep doing it?
Speaker 3:Oh, that's those really good questions I wish I I had. Yes, those are. Those are amazing questions. To start off, I wish I had this like deep, profound, philosophical answer as to why I got into the profession of mental health. But I don't, I do not. So the way I got into, listen, I went to college as a biology major. I wanted I always knew that I wanted to help people in some sort of way. But me and biology, me and math, we did not get along like I didn't like them, they ain't like me. So I had to make some adjustments and you know, as I took different classes, I started learning different things and I was more comfortable with certain things. And that's just how I get. You know, I went from a biology major to a psychology major and I was like, okay, I can do this. And then everybody who gets into psychology, they start self-diagnosing themselves, thinking that that's gonna be the answer to things and it was it.
Speaker 3:Um, so I ended up double majoring in psychology and women's and gender studies. But With that there was this whole, I guess, narrative of, well, you know, just a bachelor's in psychology and women's and gender studies, like what are you gonna do with that? That's not gonna, you know, that's not gonna give you the type of living that they say you should get after you go to college. So I was like, well, let me just keep going. Like what am I good at? Like what's the easiest thing for me to do? And I found I just went into my masters of counseling and that's when I really started learning about myself and learning to be okay with who I really was.
Speaker 3:Um, after like having this whole kind of you know issue of trying to be of you know someone that I was not, um, but yeah, like that's how I got into it. What keeps me going in it? I would say I I do love when I see people have these like realizations for themselves, like when they finally learn something about themselves, that they learn a lesson that they were meant to learn in that moment. I just love that when that happens. That's just so. That's what keeps me going.
Speaker 3:And there's a lot of people in this world, especially, uh, especially black people, like we've been, you know, told to kind of push this stuff off to the side, mental health wise for, like the beginning of time, especially well, I'll just say, for black Americans. But you know, we've been told to kind of like just push that stuff aside, the mental health that does not exist. You don't need to worry about that, um, and it was to our detriment. So there's a lot of people that don't really know the basics of how to take care of yourself mentally and emotionally, and that's why I just took it to social media.
Speaker 1:What does self care mean to you?
Speaker 3:So I think of self care as a way of being like an action, like it's a, it's a verb. So it's like making choices that Basically aligned with what you value, like what's important to you. So you know, that's. That's basically how I think of it. I'm sure there's a webster's dictionary version of it, but I don't know that right now.
Speaker 1:What about the urban baby? Let's bring, let's bring.
Speaker 3:The urban one is doing the shit you need to do to take care of yourself first. Like that. That's how. That's what I would say to people like you know, putting yourself first. And I remember I don't know if I put it on my instagram or not, but I made a video about like Put yourself first. Your kids should not come first, your spouse should not come first, your family should not come first. And that struck a nerve with a lot of people, because when you say that Instantly everybody thinks like, oh, you have to be like really self-absorbed, not care about anybody else. Like I'm not saying damn them kids, I'm saying you are your. When you are your best self, you can show up for the people and in your life that you care about better. You can show up for you know, your career or whatever, better once you take care of yourself first.
Speaker 2:Because if you just Self-care is about giving the best of yourself, not what's left of yourself it's so interesting that people have such an issue with the idea of prioritizing yourself, but then, like when you explain it to them In the means of like, well, you can't take care of others unless you yourself are taken care of. You can't pour from an empty cup, like you, it's, it's interesting that, like, you have to like really like, break it down to people like that in order for people to even like start somewhat getting it. And it was interesting to me, um, before, like when you were saying that you know us historically as black people have been very um Neglectful when it comes to self-care and mental health and how we've always kind of like said that that wasn't something that, like, we should focus on. And I started thinking about like why that is. And a lot of it is connected to like you know, like our grandmothers and our great-grandmothers, oh, you don't need church, you need jesus.
Speaker 2:You know, because for the longest time, that's all we as black people had like was our faith.
Speaker 2:You know, to be able to get us through these difficult, tangible situations, aka a slavery, like that was really like the only thing that people could like be able to call on to get them through like that difficult thing.
Speaker 2:But that difficult thing Was an external thing, like it was something that you could actually like see was the problem. But now that we don't necessarily we have other, you know, tangible obstacles, but now that they're not so like obvious, like that, and a lot of like the battles are internal, like that's why I think, historically, that's why we, as black people, have had issues with being able to like find another Focus or outlet to be able to address those things, and why the default has always been well, you just need jesus. Well, yes, you know, I, I'm, I'm a proud christian woman. Yes, you need jesus, but you need Jesus. And okay, you need Jesus and a therapist. Okay, like there's nothing wrong with that. But I just thought that that was interesting and I appreciate people like you who are really like pushing like the mental health narrative out there, especially to people of color.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I love that the whole. And like why it doesn't have to be either or like and is very good. Like, give it all to me. Like I want it all. Like don't don't, you don't have to choose hey man.
Speaker 4:I cannot leave this woman alone.
Speaker 1:Don't say that in the episode. I won't.
Speaker 2:Come for your ass Okay.
Speaker 1:Hey, Alicia, we would love to have you on.
Speaker 4:She's being attacked by you. You're attacking her.
Speaker 4:Of course People are attacking the fact that hush or hugged her, leave her alone. I didn't bring it, let me. Let me ask you something, though. So, like I, one of my.
Speaker 4:So I was going through your website and I think one of the more interesting articles that I saw, which was a long, kind of like the lines that Blair started to touch on one of the more interesting articles that I was reading was the how to crush your cognitive distortions and reclaim your joy. Can you, can you, talk about that a little bit more? Because I think and I've said this before I think a lot of times when we're in this, when we're in, when we're in our mental headspace and we're trying to seek out, find our way out, only we can do that, and sometimes I feel like we don't know where to start Right, like we have past traumas that we're dealing with. We have, you know, insecurities. We feel like you, feel you could be the prettiest person in the world, but I feel ugly and people, and that takes away from what, like you're, shine. So can you maybe like talk about that a little bit more, like some of the things that people should be looking at when they're talking about self care?
Speaker 3:Yeah, so cognitive distortions is just thoughts, so I call them thought errors. I put that as the title. Cognitive distortions that's like the I guess, the psychological term, I guess, but there's just thought errors. So there are basically ways that everybody has these. So, like you were saying, like everybody has these, that these, these thoughts that just pop up in your head, they're not necessarily true, but they're just.
Speaker 3:You've gotten into the habit of thinking them over and over again, like you've been feeding your brain these, these messages over and over again. So where is you start to believe it, like it becomes you and you start to identify with it? You know, but the thing about our brain is that it likes patterns, it likes consistency and it will create shortcuts for whatever it is we are giving it. So like it'll. That. That's how things become automatic. That's how we, you know, create habits. The thing about it is that we can change that to thoughts that you know are nicer to us, thoughts that are, like, more beneficial and that actually help us get things done, feel better about ourselves. So becoming aware of the thought errors or the cognitive distortions, like that, is like the first step, like you have to become aware of it, because if you don't know there's a problem, like you're not going to do anything about it.
Speaker 3:So, like one of the there's different ones. So one of them is like jump into conclusions. So that's basically like you're interpreting something, like somebody, something that somebody said, like you just assume what they mean, but you have no like basis of evidence for like that's what they mean. Like you just assume that person, I don't know, got their arms crossed because they got an attitude, but they might just be cold, you don't know, but you're jumping to conclusions. Or what's. Another one like mind reading, like I know what you think and it's like no, you don't, you don't. You may know, you know, you may have known this person for a long time, but we do not know where people are at. You know. So I the reason that I think a lot of people are they think that their minds are like working against them. It's just because they haven't figured out that, first of all, your mind is your, it's your best friend. Actually, it can work. You can, y'all can work together. You and your brain can work together, but you just got to be aware of it again.
Speaker 3:Your mind can be your best friend. It really can. That's why you need to talk to yourself and be like, hey, like, where did I get this from? So, like, if you think you ugly, where did I get this from? Like this, this, this thought, this belief you have is probably not even yours. It's probably something that you've heard other people say, is probably something that you have seen from whoever raised you Like it's, it's not yours, so, like what, you have to start questioning it. So talk to yourself and be like where does this thought come from?
Speaker 1:Ladies, I want you to understand that a psychotherapist has really said it's OK to talk to yourself.
Speaker 4:I was about to say all the, all the people out there right now that talk to yourself.
Speaker 1:I say this like you know, like when people are talking to yourself is when you answer yourself. No, when you answer yourself. That's when the answer is come, because you are actually talking to yourself.
Speaker 3:Yes, as long as you don't think it's coming from somebody else, that's the way they leave that out. That's the problem.
Speaker 4:Oh, really Stop looking at me.
Speaker 1:You know it's so, it's so great about this and I love this conversation and you know even though you know we do have a lot of people in the industry that come on Everybody has different perspectives in different ways that they deal with their clients. You're the first one that I've seen, which I'm grateful for, because I do this and I try to practice this myself. But not a lot of people understand what it really means to try mindfulness. Can you explain a little bit of what that really means, like what, or like a tip for how can people can be mindful and how that can actually help them?
Speaker 3:So everybody is good at mindfulness. Ok, so I will, I will. I'm the type of therapist I'll. I'll give it to you straight. Like you are already very good at mindfulness, if you have worried about anything, you're good at mindfulness and meditation. So the way that I think about mindfulness is just about paying attention on purpose. So mindfulness is just our ability to be fully present and aware of where we are and what we're doing. But when you're doing mindfulness in a way of, like you know, reducing stress and anxiety and all of that, like it's where you're being present, but you're not overly reactive and you're not like overwhelmed by what's going on around you, and, like I said, meditation is like a form of mindfulness, but a lot of people, kind of, you know, are pushed off by it because they think they have to sit still for two hours a day and just like that's, that's not it.
Speaker 3:You can't do that. But yeah, it's just about you really can. But it's just about what you pay, what you focus on, what you pay attention to on purpose. So worrying is the opposite. It's like it's like it's like being mindful in the negative sense, but mindfulness, like when you are, you know, wanting to calm yourself down and you know, create a better mental and emotional space for yourself.
Speaker 3:It's just about being aware of what you're doing. Like what thoughts am I entertaining right now? Like what you know, like what is going on, how am I interpreting what's going on right now and is it benefiting me? And there's like a lot I think you have mentioned like the benefits of it, like when we were, you know, talking through email, like what the benefits of it is. Like I'm I love when somebody tells me that they are into mindfulness, even whether whether they do it or if they just want to learn more about it. Like benefits can go from anything from like, of course, like having better focus and concentration. It improves your memory, of course, reduces stress and anxiety and depression. You know the symptoms associated with that, but it also, especially if we're talking about, you know, black people, and like generational trauma and things like that.
Speaker 1:That's all we're talking about is black people.
Speaker 3:Right, right. So mindfulness can it? Basically, it activates the front part of your brain and that part of your brain is associated with how you adapt to, like, stressful or negative situations, so it can help you to basically be less likely to be triggered by upsetting things. Usually, so, like when you get in the habit of mindfulness, it helps you do that. Yes, physical health benefits to like improving your immune system, and all of that goes into, like, how you reduce cortisol. Cortisol is like one of the stress hormones that we have in our bodies. We need it. I tell people that too. Like you know, don't be shocked that you need stress and anxiety to stay alive. You just don't need it to build up and be chronically, you know, secreted in your body. That's when it becomes a problem, because you know we need, like that stress response so we can, like you know, push on the brakes when we need to real fast to avoid an accident, basically. So I don't want to cut you off.
Speaker 1:Yeah, go ahead so when you like. Listen, we're not going to tell your clients business. You know there's patient client confidentiality, but when you have a client who is in constant fight or flight mode, in constant like worry mode, they're, they're anxious, they're, they're, they're, you know they're not taking a moment to take a step back. What are some of the tips that you may say to them that might help them just say, hey, shut the fuck up. No, not sure, but don't say that.
Speaker 2:Be nice In a more productive way.
Speaker 4:There's a therapeutic way to say everything.
Speaker 3:It's basically what you said, like pause. You were saying it when you were tripping over your words, but literally pause.
Speaker 1:I don't know what you're talking about. I never tripped over.
Speaker 2:I felt whole good I don't want to say let's not get to lying here, proceed.
Speaker 3:But it's just pausing and breath work, so taking deep breaths. So one of the the tips that I give anybody is to just stop, like please, just stop, and then take a breath, because when we breathe in like doing like deep, diaphragmatic breathing, it's basically it sends a message to our brain that we are safe. So that's just the basic way that I, you know, understand it. So when you take long, deep breaths. So one of one of my favorite breath works exercises is box breathing. Yeah, we can do it, we can do it.
Speaker 4:So, it's box breathing All right.
Speaker 3:What you're doing is you're visualizing a box, kind of you know being completed and for you can close your eyes. If you can open, it doesn't matter.
Speaker 1:Every listener out there.
Speaker 4:Close your eyes at this moment. Close your eyes now.
Speaker 3:And what you're going to do is you are going to just scan your body really quick, start from your feet. Just notice the feeling from your feet up your legs, your stomach, shoulders, arms, neck, jaw. Try and release anything that you feel kind of tense. We're going to take a deep breath in through the nose, hold it and then breathe out through the mouth and then hold that breath out. So you're going to take I'm going to count to four when we're breathing in through our nose, and then while we're holding, I'm going to cancel for, and then when we're breathing out through our mouth, I'm going to count to six, okay, and then we're going to hold that breath out for another count of four. So four, four, six, four, just so everybody stays with me, okay? So take a long deep breath in through your nose one, two, three, four. Hold that breath in one, two, three, four. Slowly. Breathe it out. One, two, three, four, five, six. Now hold that breath out. One, two, three, four.
Speaker 3:Take one more deep breath in through your nose one, two, three, four. Hold one, two, three, four. Slowly. Breathe out through your mouth two, three, four, five, six. Hold that breath out. One, two, three, four. Now one last deep breath in through your nose two, three, four. Hold that breath. One, two, three, four. Slowly breathe out through your mouth two, three, four, five, six. Hold that breath out. One, two, three, four. Now breathe normally. It's an exercise, it is.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry for everybody who I just breathed all up in your ear yeah, that's what it does.
Speaker 3:That's what it does.
Speaker 3:It just relaxes you because it tells your brain, because that's the type of breathing we do when we're asleep, so, like when we're in like a deep sleep, we breathe really, really slowly.
Speaker 3:So when people do breath work or deep breathing in general, and they just say like, oh well, it didn't work, it's usually because they're breathing too fast or they didn't do it as consistently.
Speaker 3:So I tell people, like if you are somebody who, just like you, are just always stressed out and everything is always just, you know, just feeling overwhelmed and you feel like you can't stop, just tune into your breath, like, get out of your head, get into your body, you know, or another thing I do, I call it, I spy, or some people call it the five, four, three, two, one method. So you're looking around your environment, five think, notice five things. You can see four things, you can feel three things, you can hear two things, you can smell, one thing, you can taste. So when we're anxious, we're basically just kind of just stuck in our heads, but we have to get our attention off of the thoughts for a second in order to like regulate our nervous system and calm ourselves down, get out of your head, get into your body and pay attention to your environment that's great.
Speaker 1:That teaches you how to be present in the moment correct and how to be observant about your surroundings maybe listen. You better be observing here in New York, but that's, that's actually really good, I'm glad that you did that exercise with us.
Speaker 4:I think, just speaking from experience, from from the anxiety that I have had in my 39 years of life, I I noticed that sometimes we want to give answers faster than we are thinking, and so that's where, sometimes, where we trip on our own words because we're trying to satisfy or meet a need or a want to whatever it is.
Speaker 4:And as I get older, I see that I take those couple of extra seconds to do some of that breathing, maybe not as formal as what we just did just now, but instead of just giving an answer immediately, it's more of a thought for two seconds, breathe out. It's not life changing in terms of the immediate, in terms of what you need to do, but it is a difference because now you can give an answer that is distinct, that is more on par with what the topic is. I know that I do it more so when I'm at work because I'm a manager, so I have to kind of make sure that everybody's on the same page, and I'm applying that to the entertainment world as well, because it's not that big of a difference. So I think if we just take that time, you know you are better for it.
Speaker 3:Right and taking a minute to say, instead of like what do I need to do right now? Like what do I need? What do I need right now? Like just making that little change helped me a lot with my anxiety. Like I've had panic attacks before, you know, like, so, like that it's not fun, but it does happen, you know. I think that in another reason why I talk a lot about this on social media is because we have to get to a place where we accept that we will become anxious, that we will become frustrated, that we will become angry, we will become embarrassed or, I don't know, ashamed, disappointed.
Speaker 3:Like every emotion that we have, it has a purpose, like there's a message that is trying to send us and there's a need that's not getting met. So if we spend our entire lives just like oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, positive vibes only, like I can't, I can't deal with this, like you're not letting the emotion do what it needs to do, that can probably lead you towards whatever you know answer you need or the solution to whatever problem that you're having, it's because you're not paying attention to the message that your emotion is sending you. So, yeah, like, just make little changes. That's what helps you to. You know, not become overwhelmed.
Speaker 1:You better. You better set up a segue. Okay, you've done this before, so like it's, it's, it's. You know, we do this. All, all of us do this and we have all experienced those who do it, probably more than others, and I think that, in my opinion, I feel like you're cheating yourself out of life If you're only focused and only worried about, like, positive energy, positive energy, positive energy, that negative energy. We're all still batteries. We need the positive as well as the negative. It's just what. Would you pay attention?
Speaker 2:to Okay, come on, Duracell.
Speaker 1:Actually I'm an energizer bunny. I keep going and going. I'm going to go.
Speaker 2:Energizer Sorry wait, wait, wait.
Speaker 1:I can't how many minutes in the episode, okay, good, but I mean, like when you deal with people, who, who deal with and only want positive vibes now I'm doing air quotations what how do you feel in your professional opinion that is, that is, is it serving a disservice to you? And if it is, what are what? What are the reasons why? Why? Why should people keep? Why do people mix this up?
Speaker 3:Yeah. So positivity in itself is not wrong. There's nothing wrong with positivity. What is the problem is when we are I don't know, like I don't know what the word would be it's basically when we're neglecting all of the other emotions, emotions that we naturally have. That's, that's the issue. That's what I think is a detriment to us. When we're ignoring all of the other emotions that we have.
Speaker 3:Positivity has its place because it can help us to like reprogram or basically like reframe. So, when we were talking about cognitive distortions, the thought errors like yeah, like you can be, you can be positive to you know, reprogram the habit of thought that you usually have that causes you the stress of the anxiety. Like that's, yeah, positivity, use that. But like, when you are in a moment of frustration or a moment of fear or a moment of whatever it is like that's saying something to you. Like anger, for example, it pushes you to fight back and protect yourself. Fear, it brings you to energy and the motivation to protect yourself. When you are feeling I don't know. Let's just say anxiety, for example. Like anxiety is built to you know, like energize you enough to prepare or manage or handle something. So we can think of this in a literal way, like you know, running away from a bear, or we can think about this in a way of oh, this is going to make me so anxious to be around all these people, because small talk, you know, like. So your brain will respond in the same way to try and handle it. You know, if you're feeling frustrated like that, that emotion is telling you to try something different. But again, if you don't give all of those emotions a chance to lead you in the in the direction that you need to go, like that is when you get emotionally constipated. You know that. And also what I mean by emotionally constipated is that, like it will again stress you out.
Speaker 3:Like stress builds up in our body in a way that it has to express itself. It has to express itself in some sort of way when we, when we get stressed, right, so our body goes to work, doing a whole bunch of things, whether we're running away from a bear, trying to avoid a car accident or getting into an argument with someone. Like our body will have these natural reactions, a whole bunch of things. Like our lungs will expand so we can breathe better. Our eyes dilate so we can see better. Like you know, blood goes to certain places, so we can, you know, be able to move. Adrenaline and cortisol get flooded, you know, so we can have all that energy to either fight or flight, you know, run away from something, and that does, you know, it just works in that way.
Speaker 3:So when it comes to using positivity, like you got to get that that system basically shut down that whole stress response first and then use positivity. So, whether you want to use the after, you want to use the affirmations or not, that's fine. But if you are, you know, really, really anxious and you just instantly jump into like, oh no, I am the happiest I have ever been, like everything is just going great and fine, when it's obviously not like you, you just down in yourself, like you gaslighting yourself, you're bullying yourself, and it doesn't mean that you have to, you know, sit and wallow in the anxiety.
Speaker 3:I think that's what a lot of people, a lot of people, are afraid of thinking. They mistake accepting that your emotion is happening, for you know, suffering with it, and that's those two totally different things. Those are not the same thing, you know. So when you process an emotion, like you, just letting it release, you got to let it go through a cycle. Like we human beings, we have an emotional cycle. But again, if you just want to smother it with positivity without processing it, it'll just cause you more problems. So when you do use positivity, like, don't jump to the far right or far left with it, pick something that's more realistic. And like when you have less resistance to it, like you don't have to lie to yourself to be positive, you really don't.
Speaker 2:Exactly so. It's, and I think it's so. God's timing and the way that things just kind of come together is just so amazing. So I have a friend who's very big in the motivational speaking realm and he actually is an organizational psychologist and he talks a lot about like motivation and how it can help us like lead, like better lives, and so he has a newsletter, and the newsletter that I just got from him I think it was either yesterday, the day before yesterday is about toxic positivity, which is essentially what we're talking about right now, and I'll just read a part of it. It says in hard times, urging people to be positive doesn't boost their resilience. It denies their reality. People in pain don't need good vibes, only they need a hand to steady them through all the vibrations. Strength doesn't come through force smiles. It comes from feeling supported.
Speaker 2:And so he talks about like, how, like this concept or like this act of like, toxic positivity, and how like everything is great, everything is great, everything is great. When, literally, the world is on fire serves nobody. And so he gave like, a couple of examples of like, things that like or like he. He posted somebody else's examples of like along with it from this Instagram quote and the. I want to make sure I give credit where credit is due. But the person who posted this Instagram picture was at Ava Marie Doodles and it just gives like a couple of like things to like say or do, instead of like being like toxically positive.
Speaker 2:So like, instead of somebody saying like oh, everything happens for a reason, like you can just say I'm sorry you're going through this. Like you can acknowledge that like a situation is like difficult and you don't have to like like oh, you know, the sun shines in the morning. Like it's okay to like understand and feel that there are like bad things happening right now that you don't have to like deny it. Another one that they gave was instead of things will work out. Look on the bright side, you can say you know this really sucks right now. Is there anything I can do to support you? Like I think we're so caught up in like this whole you know, like I got to be positive all the time mentality, but like what is that really doing for us? Because we're denying what's actually like reality, what's actually happening like in front of us, and avoidance is just as bad, so it is.
Speaker 3:it is and it's based on people not wanting to feel uncomfortable and not knowing what to do with it. You know, we don't. We don't like this comfort, we don't like that. So it's easier to think that any emotion other than happiness, excitement or joy is just wrong or bad in some way. We can probably even trace this back to childhood, you know, like even when we were little, like how many of y'all, like you know, heard the phrase like stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about?
Speaker 1:Every night pressing on man oh boy, you know like.
Speaker 3:so we, we're socially conditioned to like if I don't, you know, show that I am okay to these people, then that's wrong somehow. So we kind of develop that into, you know, our adult years. That shows up in our adult years, you know. I think I think go ahead go ahead, go ahead.
Speaker 1:You started talking before I did.
Speaker 4:I was. I was just going to say I think people are also concerned about worsening it. I think I think I have felt that before in the past where I said I didn't want to say the wrong things because I didn't want to make a situation worse than what it already is. But I find myself these days doing kind of some of the examples that you said there, like just being realistic, because there's nothing that you can do to kind of reverse the way that certain things have transpired right At work.
Speaker 4:There's quite a few people who recently lost a few loved ones and you know they're there at work and I just hug them. I'm like we were just talking about this blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Let me know if you need anything, because what do you say? And it's not to say that it's going to be okay when somebody just, for example, lost their mother. That's not a. You can never, you'll never really be fully okay with that right, because that's somebody that you love, that you grew up with, that raised you. So but saying that you're gonna be there for them and help them out will help kind of like dim that feeling or numb that feeling and you grow bigger and you grow around that.
Speaker 3:So around it. I love that you said that, because it's not our job to save people from their feelings. Like you're not helping those people by trying to, like I don't know, get them out of their grief, you know, or let's hurry up and get you out of this grief. Like that's not helping them at all. Like support them, like ask them. If you don't know, just ask, like how can I support you? Like, what do you need? Like what do you need from me? And if they say I don't know, that's okay. Like when it comes up, let me know I'm here for you. That's it, you know. Like get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable, it passes. Like all emotions are temporary, all of them are. You know, that's just the ones that we hold on to.
Speaker 1:It's so interesting because it is like. That's why I glad you went first, because you tied it into what I was gonna say and like for myself personally and I think that a lot of people do say these things in reference to, like, let's say, music. Music is therapy, Music is very therapeutic and you know, I'm the type of person where I'm not going to play happy music if I'm feeling sad. I'm not gonna force, I'm not gonna force a false emotion out of myself, because I'm not. I live by the creed of in order to heal, you have to be triggered, and in order to be triggered, you have to experience Right Now.
Speaker 1:I'm not purposely triggering myself, but sometimes I kind of am. If I need a good hearty cry, I know what song to play, but then, once I've gone through these emotions, I can disassociate myself from that song or that time. But that comes with time with me. So I just love the part of this conversation. But the last thing I wanted to ask you and we talked about this briefly because you used the word, my favorite word toxicity, and not for like, I want toxic people. Y'all toxic, motherfucking. Stay the fuck away from me.
Speaker 2:I mean y'all can come.
Speaker 1:Y'all gonna be sitting outside.
Speaker 2:The funny thing is is toxic. People don't know that they're toxic.
Speaker 1:You know Never, and each one of us have our own level of toxicity. I can say toxicity, but I can't say positivity. Bitch.
Speaker 3:I just always say, everybody has their blind spots.
Speaker 4:Yeah, okay, can I add to that?
Speaker 2:And that's the mental health of being on it.
Speaker 4:thank you, Can I just add onto that Some people with blind spots are bigger than others. I'm gonna add there you go, I'm gonna stop looking.
Speaker 1:I said it. Look at it.
Speaker 4:Look at it, be as he said I ain't even looking at you.
Speaker 1:So okay, so we don't have much time, but I did want to like one of the other things I wanted to see, because you've talked about this in your blog, but in reference to toxic people, and of course, we're going through these emotions and you're dealing with people, but they're toxic and you have to set your boundaries to get away from these people. Yeah, get away from me. How do you, as a mental health professional, suggest that people set these boundaries while being in the moment and still experiencing whatever a feeling, emotion or whatever it is that they have to experience?
Speaker 3:Yeah, the first way I would say is listen to your emotions first, because we were already talking about that. A really important one is to know who you are, because if you don't, if you're used to kind of trying to fit into somebody else's ideal of you, like who people think you are, whatever mask you have put up, like that's not going to help you to keep the boundaries that you set. But a really, really important so listen. So boundaries if you want to set healthy boundaries that stick long-term, you need communication and action.
Speaker 3:A lot of people miss the action part because they don't want to be uncomfortable, they don't want to hurt the other person or they don't want to burn bridges and things like that. But you have to put action to it. So what I mean by action is you have to enforce the boundary that you set. So constantly telling somebody something like, yeah, I've told you that I don't like this and when you do this, I don't like that or whatever it is, whatever you have told them and they're still doing, it is because there hasn't been a consequence attached to it, that you weren't standing on business about it, so they didn't take it seriously Damn business, mm Breach.
Speaker 2:Breach up.
Speaker 3:And then now and it's not because all people like we're just talking about toxic people, so toxic people, we'll just keep it with that example A toxic person most likely isn't gonna care that you said you would rather them not do this or you'd rather them do that. They're obviously not going to care. So the action part is what is most important with them. So it can be as simple as just saying like no, like I've already said, no, that answer is not gonna change. You can stop asking, you know, and being assertive instead of aggressive. So when you're being assertive, like you're, being really straightforward, saying what you mean and meaning what you say With your chest, which is whole chest, which is a whole chest, and have an understanding that boundaries are to protect you, they're not to hurt the other person.
Speaker 3:So you know, get that out of your head. A lot of people feel a lot of guilt around setting boundaries, especially with you. Know people that they've known for a long time. But let's be honest, we all got toxic. You know there's people with toxic traits that are really close to us, like family. You know so, and sometimes you can't necessarily get away from them but you can limit their access to you. But again, that all comes with your commitment to enforcing it. Like your boundary is only as good as your willingness to enforce it. So if you don't enforce it, then you won't see a change.
Speaker 2:It's very interesting that, like we, I know I have issues with like setting boundaries, but then I think that, like other people have, people take boundaries offensively. You know, Like they feel like why do you have to set up a boundary with me? Or like, and they take them offensively and they take them personally. I hate that Like this could just be a boundary that I have. This that's in general, applies to everybody and I'm sorry if you feel like you should be accepted from the rule, but you're not.
Speaker 1:I hate that so.
Speaker 4:Especially when they don't listen. They continue. I hate that so much for everybody. But now that you just said it, Blair, because people want to have access and I hate that. And they want to get the exceptions for them Right, and that's what the door boils down to. Why can't? Well, I'm different. No, you're not. The circle is full. Thank you, the server is full.
Speaker 2:And even if you are different, you don't automatically get that access to me. You need to prove to me that you deserve to have that kind of access. If I feel like you have proven to me that I can make an exception for you, then I can consider making an exception for you. But for you to think that you just like get that like off the riff, like you a special would you?
Speaker 4:do. But I've told you before that people have said stuff like that to me before, where it's like oh, but I saw you hanging out with your friends. You mean my best friends, you mean my family, you mean them.
Speaker 1:You mean my choice, my friend, my time, yeah yeah, yeah, weirdness, weirdness.
Speaker 3:Right, and there's a lot of different responses, that from which mostly, which all we're talking about, that's the questioning response. So people, they react to your boundaries in a variety of ways. So just so you're aware, like some people, they will accept them. Some people will give you a little pushback, like how we're talking about, like you know me, like some people even test your limits, like they'll, you know, keep doing it just to see, like if you want to fold or not. Some people will just ignore them. Some people do the whole questioning part. Some people will get really defensive. Some people will just ghost you. You know, like they, just you know they'll just leave, like there's a, there's a different, there's different responses that people have that's okay, that's okay, don't take that.
Speaker 2:That's that's problematic. People just excuse themselves from the chat. That's, that's the ideal thing to do. Come on, Go ahead and just remove yourself.
Speaker 1:Goodbye, you know. But I think that the great thing about this and I will say the especially the great thing about this podcast, especially like, as we've done this for so long and we each have gotten closer and we each funny story LaKyah. So the three of us originally four didn't know each other the first day we started recording this podcast.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, and so everyone is an extension of myself. They're friends of mine or people I've met externally. And then we just grew closer and closer and closer. You, you, you would never tell if you could never tell if you could say it first time or something.
Speaker 3:No, I could not, so.
Speaker 1:But, but also the thing is is that we each had to learn our individual boundaries. Like you know, I'm the one who pushes boundaries, I admit it, and I've done a much better because I've learned to as I've gotten older. I've learned how to respect people's boundaries if I want them to respect mine, and I used to be the person that that Chris was saying I'm different. No, you ain't nigger, you. You a different person, but you ain't different from what I'm trying to say, you know. So I think that there is growth that comes from people who can take the time, growth, you know, all of my friends are thriving abundantly, you know there's. There's so many different things that can come from when people take the time to actually learn your boundaries, learn how to respect your boundaries, and then give you the time that you need to deal with all of this stuff, because they've been mindful, okay, about your self care routines and and let me try to throw anything else we talked about, no, but, and you know, because some people want it all but they can't have it.
Speaker 4:Okay, I knew you. I knew you was a liar. I always knew you were a liar.
Speaker 1:But is there anything else anybody wants to bring up or touch on or were pressed for time?
Speaker 2:No, I just, I guess, to begin to wrap it up, I would just love, for I mean, like anytime we have a guest, there's just so much information that just comes across and, like you know, we try to keep it like service level, but then we find things that we just kind of like go deep on, but we always end up covering just such like an array of topics. But just speaking, you know, from from your perspective, if you want the listening audience to walk away like with one thought or something that you want them to continue to think about and maybe have like a conversation with, with their therapist on, or just something for them to continue to keep present in their mind, like what would you want them to walk away from, this conversation with?
Speaker 3:I would say I'll just leave them with the three Rs.
Speaker 2:That and I mentioned this in my See and I'm gonna have something prophetic guess.
Speaker 3:Sorry, I was gonna do the three Rs Cause a lot of people like this for some reason, especially on a video that kind of went viral. I didn't know why people connected with this so much, but everybody likes it Because people do.
Speaker 2:Stop it.
Speaker 4:For me what they need. And you're here to give it to us, give it to us, give it to us.
Speaker 3:So the three Rs is recognize, regulate, reframe Okay. So recognize the emotion that you're having. Recognize what it's trying to tell you, okay. Regulate your nervous system with mindfulness, breath, work, dancing, I don't know. Have an orgasm, something like-.
Speaker 1:Baby, you talking about language there, you done brought it you done, opened up the box now.
Speaker 4:Well, hello, hey guys, hey guys, hey guys, hey guys we always talk about here on the Highly Melanated Podcast. We always talk about orgasms.
Speaker 2:This woman's finished, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done. Y'all kill me. I love it, I love it.
Speaker 1:Wait, what does Samira say before back? One thing you better have an orgasm.
Speaker 2:So do you I mean, it's helpful. It helps to clear the mind. It helps to clear the mind it does. Don't give me started.
Speaker 3:We could be on here a whole another hour talking about the science behind it.
Speaker 1:We can, but we can't we can.
Speaker 2:We can, we can't. The last one is reframe.
Speaker 3:Last one is reframe. Oh, yes, part two. Yes, reframe, change the negative thoughts. I say kill the ants. So an ant is an automatic negative thought, so a lot of letters. Ok, there's basically like shifting your perspective on the situation. What am I putting my attention into? Just start thinking of your attention as money. That shit's expensive, so be careful what you spend it on. So, yeah, recognize, regulate, reframe.
Speaker 1:I love it. I love it. Wow, you know, I just do it. I just there was something in my spirit. You know I had woke up that morning, I was taking a boo boo and I said let's go ahead and scroll and I said, oh, this is just helping me, just this is oh, this is released, this is good, Amen.
Speaker 2:I love you all.
Speaker 1:That was amazing. Look, Haya, do you have any social media or anything that you would like to share or anything you want to promote?
Speaker 3:I'm sure I mean y'all. Can I mean I've couple?
Speaker 1:you already, I can everybody find you.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so you all kind of mentioned my blog is selfcareblogic B-L-O-G-I-C dot com. I just made a new blog on there today, actually about how to practice self-love in this season. I also have a free guide, like it's called the Stress Less Checklist, so that I go over like how stress shows up in your body. There's a self-care tracker in there. There's some reflection questions, so like when it comes to like reframing your thoughts and like just pausing, like there's questions to ask yourself in there. So you all can get that. The easiest way is on social media. So I'm on IG and TikTok as self-careblogic, so you can find me there, and I have a self-care starter kit that basically gives you the basics of how to regulate your nervous system.
Speaker 3:I have an abundant mental health ebook that tells you about that's mostly about the boundaries, but also about how to improve your wellness in different areas. Like there's different types of boundaries that you need to set. And we talk about therapy, like what to expect from a therapy session so you get the best results. Like you know questions you need to ask and consider for a therapist that you have, because not every therapist is going to be for you and that's okay. So, yeah, I'll talk about that and you can get all of that and it's all in the link in my bio, so on my you can get to it from my blog but also on my social media pages, the link that's in the bio there.
Speaker 1:Where can people get the ebook?
Speaker 3:So it's all in the same link. So the link it'll say standstore slash mental abundance. But the easiest way is just to. That's why I says, like just go into my IG page or my TikTok page and then at the top where my bio is, that the link will be there and you can just click on it and you can get all of the stuff the free guide. There's a link to show you to my blog and the self care starter kit, the ebook, the abundant mental health ebook, all of that.
Speaker 1:If it's for free, it's for me, it's for me. But we still need to support, okay. So not everything needs to be free. Well, here's the thing.
Speaker 2:If it's for free, it's for me, but you also get what you pay for. So Amen, amen For the statement. Sometimes, you need to put some doubt. Sometimes you need to invest in yourself.
Speaker 1:I have just you know, purchased a whole place, as I'm purchasing it right now. No, we support here at Highly Melanated. That's what we do.
Speaker 3:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much. No, for real. I really appreciate. Hold on, Hold on, not me doing it while I'm doing it. Let's be the moment for a second Hold on, let's be,
Speaker 4:in the moment. Take a breath.
Speaker 2:Be meant to be in, I meant.
Speaker 4:Breathe out, hold it, breathe in.
Speaker 1:Thank you again for coming. Thank you for being a guest. You are welcome. What's your favorite number, from one to 10?
Speaker 3:Oh geez Seven.
Speaker 1:All right, so you are on the seven floor. Here is your key. I'm just letting you know. Okay, we're getting it cut, but your key, your floor, is waiting for you. You have your own wing of the Melanated Manner. It's for you, it's freshly furnished, so you're all good. If you need to do some color changes, reach out to Chris, because he'll do that for you. You know, and you know that's what it is. I'll set up the music and Blair will set up, like the aroma, the food, the snacks and all the great things that will happen there for you, but we.
Speaker 1:This is an open invitation. Whenever you want to come back on and speak about anything else you want to, or I reach out to you or one of us will reach out to you, but you are more than welcome to come back here.
Speaker 3:Yes, absolutely. Thank you all, so, so much. I really enjoyed myself. Thank you all for this.
Speaker 2:Good. Thank you. Self-care is the best care so much.
Speaker 1:And on that note, guys, thank you for taking the time to listen to another episode of highly motherfucking malignated. The safe space where it's okay.
Speaker 2:Don't do it To what at all.
Speaker 1:I'll just say it the safe space where it is okay to recognize, regulate and reframe. You fill in the blanks. You take care of yourself and stop pushing your shit on other people. And no, I don't want to be your ambassador for your clothing line, thank you. You can follow us on all forms of social media that we are a part of, such as Instagram and TikTok. That is highly malignated podcast.
Speaker 2:You can always email us at highly malignatedpodcast at gmailcom.
Speaker 4:Or you can come on over to Twitter, now known as X. I'm really stuck on this. Come on over and have some orgasms at h underscore malignatedpod.
Speaker 2:I mean, they do work wonders I was about to say they work.
Speaker 1:Okay, hopefully.
Speaker 4:Why ruin the formula?
Speaker 1:On that note, guys, thank you. Peace, love and.
Speaker 2:Some people All right right.
Speaker 4:On it all that's fine.
Speaker 2:No, no, it's fine, it's fine.
Speaker 1:No, it is not. Because I want to say love in this club, in this club, hey, hey, yes, yes.